A Valentine’s Day quickie

Strange Love: Bizarre Mating Rituals in the Animal Kingdom — 3 Scenes

Want a quickie? Darwin wouldn’t have it any other way

You thought your ex was weird? You might change your mind when you learn about some of the bizarre mating rituals in the animal kingdom. Here are three romantic scenes starring weirdo lovers from the wild to inspire your Valentine’s Day.

Giraffes

The bull drinks pee straight from the source and smells the urine — sensing pheromones — to determine whether the cow is in heat.

Savannah — day

BULL: Wanna neck? COW: Don’t you need to get to know me better? BULL: Wannta take a gallop across the savannah together? COW: Can you keep up? BULL: We’ll be neck and neck. COW: Are you sure? I got legs for days. BULL: Yeah, you do. But we have the right chemistry. COW: How do you know? (He leans in and nudges her with his nose.) BULL: I may be sticking my neck out here, but call it sixth sense. COW: Mm, you’re a tall glass of water. BULL: Uh, yeah, about that …

Deep-sea anglerfish

The male is much smaller and finds his mate by her smell or seeing her luminescent display (esca). He will bite her stomach and eventually dissolve and fuse into her skin for the rest of his life. He’s now a parasite who delivers sperm on demand.

Bar — night

(Male and female deep-sea anglerfish are drunk and in the middle of a fight.) FEMALE: I wish I would have never turned on my luminescent esca to lure you in all those months ago. MALE: Fine, there are plenty more fish in the sea. FEMALE: Why don’t you leave? MALE: Sure, could I have my lips and blood vessels back? FEMALE: You’re such a parasite. MALE: You can say that after all I gave you? (The male fish tries to swim away, but his face is fused to her.)

Bedroom — Morning

(They are sprawled across the bed, hung over.) FEMALE: Sorry. MALE #2: Hey, what? (She turns her head… revealing another small male fish fused to her back.) FEMALE: I wasn’t talking to you. (She rolls over and crushes him.) FEMALE: I am glad my adaptive immune system gave way to you. We were fated to be together. MALE: I may be tiny, but I will always be by your side. FEMALE: You complete me. Let’s not ever fight again. (Her esca glows… It’s a brand-new day.)

Bed bugs

Male bed bugs mate by stabbing females in the abdomen with their sharp genitalia (traumatic insemination) to deposit sperm directly into their circulatory system. This process may be an adaptation due to female reluctance to mate.

Trader Joe’s — day

(A male bed bug runs into a female — an old friend — at Trader Joe’s.) MALE: Hey, you, you look great. FEMALE: What’s up, needle dick? (He smiles and moves closer.) MALE: You really came out of your shell. FEMALE: You look bloated. MALE: Yeah, you like? (She bites her lip and nods.) MALE: Wanna grab dinner sometime? FEMALE: Nah. MALE: Are you playing hard to get? (Female shakes her head coyly) FEMALE: I had something else in mind. MALE: Hmmm? I am not the sharpest tool in the shed, but let me take a stab in the dark. FEMALE: You’re getting warmer. And I always feel sexier in the summer. MALE: A quickie? FEMALE: Darwin would have it no other way. (She starts putting her groceries back on the shelves.) FEMALE: I gotta catch an upholstered suitcase out of the city after dinner.

Fleabag hotel

(They are under the covers, post-deed. On the TV in the background: Princess Bride swordfight scene.) MALE: I know, I know, you gotta go. FEMALE: I got a few minutes. That must have been some feeding frenzy you were on yesterday. (She slips down under the covers.) MALE: Hey, what are you — where are you — FEMALE: You know what they say … let the bed bugs bite.