FOR OVERTHINKERS

Stories Are Essential to Have a Better Understanding of Human Behavior

Positive feelings can be a burden, too.

Recently, I was thinking a lot about my life and my possible future. I started questioning myself, all my beliefs, and the values I developed over the years. It’s a scary thing to do because you don’t know where it might lead you, and change some aspects of your personality. And, after all, beliefs and values are all we have.

“Our values aren’t just collections of feelings. Our values are stories.” — Mark Manson

I’m a person with strong opinions. To change my mind in something particular that I have knowledge and experience with is a difficult task to accomplish. It’s not impossible, although I’m stubborn, I listen to reason.

However, this time it was something else, an unexpected confession from my girlfriend about her past, that led me to self-reflection and introspection.

Stories are powerful. They can make you see the world differently. They can provoke your thoughts, change your mind, and force you to take a hard look at your life. Stories are essential to have a better understanding of human behavior. To get to know someone, you need to hear their stories, feel their joy and pain, and try to understand all the decisions they made without judgment.

“The stories of our past define our identity. The stories of our future define our hopes. And our ability to step into those narratives and live them, to make them reality, is what gives our lives meaning.” — Mark Manson

It’s not as easy as it sounds because you make judgments according to your values, subconsciously. We judge people; you and me, we say we don’t, but it’s a natural human instinct. We all do it, but some of us manage to contain them well.

I judge people all the time. I’m not proud of it, but I accepted to live with it, and that doesn’t make me a bad or a good person. I’m not one of those people who remain opinion-less after they heard a story that completely goes against their values. However, like in great films, novels, and TV shows, I can comprehend certain decisions, even if I don’t approve of them, if there are strong and meaningful motives behind them.

“The only way to change our values is to have experiences contrary to our values.” — Mark Manson

For instance, adultery is a negative thing. You judge people who mess around, lie, and deceive their spouse. Unless you’re a cheater yourself, you condemn those persons. My Dad cheated on my mom. Did I condemn him for that? Yes, I did. Did I forgive him for that? Yes, I did. Did I justify what he did later on? No, I didn’t.

I still think it was a horrible thing to do to my mom, however, I understand that there are certain life situations when you feel you need to do a bad thing. There are circumstances and feelings that make you crave to find a way out of your current life. And often, you’re too weak to do it the right way. You find yourself in a web of lies accompanied by horrible acts that you could never imagine you’d do to someone you love. None of us are innocents. People ask themselves after years, decades, why they did it, and they can’t find any explanation.

No one wants to be one of those people, but sometimes we are blinded by our feelings, which take over and push us to commit regretful deeds. Because feelings are stronger than reasons. Our Feeling Brain is always in the driver seat, and the Thinking Brain is always just the navigator. The Thinking Brain can only suggest where to go, which turn to take, but can never decide itself. That’s just our programming and we are helpless to fight against it. That’s why we must find a way to carefully navigate the Feeling Brain, and not letting it speed towards a disaster that can cause irreparable damage.

Currently, I struggle to find a way to communicate with my Feeling Brain. Believe it or not, it’s more stubborn than I am. Love is like the absolute best fuel that burns fast and makes you speed at 220km/h. It gives you a false sense that you can never drift off the road, however, if you’re not careful, and that fuel runs out, you might end up like Ayrton Senna in that deadly turn in San Marino in 1994.

I know I need to slow down and find a way to prevent myself from a rant about the emotions that I have no control over. My feelings can make me irrational, jealous, and unfair, which will only hurt the people I love and adore. And ultimately, that’s the last thing I want to do.

I’m in a constant battle with my feelings, sometimes even with the positive ones such as love, and I’m aware I can’t win the fight. My only option is to calm down and negotiate with my Feeling Brain to find a solution. “Emotion is not the enemy of reason” if you learn how to use it for your advantage rather than make your (and others) life miserable.

It’s easier said than done, but it’s worth the struggle if you want to make peace with yourself and live a happier life.

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