Stop With the Expectations

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”-Neil Strauss-

“Expect nothing appreciate everything.”- Zen proverb-

Today one of my clients came into the office mumbling that he was having a bad day. I could see from his mannerisms that indeed he believed he was having an awful day.

Not wanting to be the target of his frustration, I reached out and offered an idol ear.

Mr. Richardson, is there something that I can do to help turn your day around? I’m always looking for a positive solution.

“I’m just so frustrated. My son just told me he does not want to be on the varsity baseball team anymore. I was a starting pitcher in college and had been grooming Jr. to play ever since he was a toddler, and now he tells me he doesn’t even like the game.

And then my wife bought me a fitness watch for my birthday. It is nice and all, but I thought she would surprise me with a new set of golf clubs. “- Roy Richardson Sr.-

Slightly clearing my throat, I was ready to engage in a conversation with him. But instead, I gave the space about thirty seconds of silence. I then explained to him that my experience had taken me down similar paths at the start of my career, so I understood where he was coming from, and I even knew why he was at this stage of disappointment today.

I call it transference of expectations. I explained to Mr. Richardson his disappointment was ironically self-induced. His expectation for his son to place baseball was just that “his expectation,” not that of Roy Jr.

And that trendy fitness watch Lydia bought you for your birthday is another disappointment only because you had a different idea. Your expectation was not the same as Lydia’s.

So, the common denominator here is the expectations you put on others. As a result, you inadvertently have been disappointing yourself. Mr. Richardson quickly nodded and chuckled in agreement.

“What’s up with that? I have to stop expecting so much from others and myself because when the pieces fall apart so do I.”— Roy Richardson Sr.

We all have expectations in our lives. We expect our spouses to love us unconditionally, our children to obey us without question, and our friends to be there for us through thick and thin. But what happens when these expectations fall short? When someone we thought we could count on lets us down? You’ve guessed it — we experience disappointment.

We have all been there at some point, right? Somebody you thought you could count on let you down — and it was the last person you expected to drop the ball. However, the real problem here is that you had expectations in the first place. But that’s not what you wanted to hear.

How it plays out

It’s our expectations that get us hurt. So, yes, sorry to be the bearer of bad news; we create these situations all by ourselves, a concept that is a hard pill for most to swallow but essentially the truth.

I know, I know- you’re angry, and you want to blame them but let’s look at this realistically:

● You had an expectation. (Yours not theirs) ● They didn’t meet it. ● Now you’re angry, hurt, or disappointed. ● You feel aggrieved. ● You blame them.

But what if we took the time to see things from another perspective?

● Humans are deeply flawed individuals. ● Life gets in the way. ● The intention is sincere, but circumstances take over and promise break. ● They may feel wrong about this or perhaps not. ● You have also disappointed someone at some point in your life- haven’t you?

Why do expectations hurt so much?

So now that we know where the problem lies, let’s explore this expectation thing in a little more detail. If we can learn to avoid having expectations, we can ultimately lead happier lives.

Expectations are frequently a source of pain in our lives precisely because they often lead to disappointment. Sometimes our partners don’t love us the way we want them to. Our children decide they’d rather be a this than a that, or our friends let us down.

It’s hard because we want the people in our lives to be a certain way. We want them to conform to our standards, values, and viewpoints. And with shock-horror, they don’t; we take it personally.

“Expectations are premeditated resentments.”-Neil Strauss-

Professor of psychology John A. Johnson explains an implicit, unspoken social contract that we enter into when we communicate with others. So, without verbalizing our expectations, we assume that the other person knows what those needs are.

It’s akin to making a deal with someone without ever specifying what that deal entails. And then we get upset because the individual failed to deliver what we expected. We inadvertently create and self-inflict our pain.

Ah, the importance of excellent communication.

What’s the solution?

Now, it’s easy to go all spiritual on this. I could tell you to love and forgive your brethren. After all, that’s what society, religion, and sanctimonious love tell us. But we both know it’s a little trickier than that.

The dictionary defines expectation as the act or state of looking forward to some occurrence. Synonyms for expectation include anticipation, contemplation, expectancy, prospect. So, you can see now how we set ourselves up for suffering.

We want people to love and respect us. But instead of expecting love, have you ever considered offering it instead with no expectation of anything in return?

According to BK Shivani, a renowned spiritual guide and mentor, we should learn to accept without expectation. Shivani asserts that we need to know to give first what we seek in return. What you desire from another, you must first learn to share. With over 5.5 million followers on social media, it’s fair to say her advice holds some weight.

Judging

We have one negative thought towards someone, which then triggers resistance within us and ultimately the rejection of that person. Then, finally, we decide that we are correct, and they have wronged us, and then the questions begin.

● Why are they like this? ● Why can’t they change? ● How can they think in such a way? ● How can they do that?

Conversations like this are precisely how not to offer love. Instead, we must learn to accept people, which is easier said than done. No judgment, questioning, just plain old acceptance — “I see you and accept you as you are.”

We do not necessarily have to agree with everything they do, but it does mean that we should respect their decisions and not try to control them. Failing to let go of our need to control others will ultimately only backfire.

The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates hypothesized that all humans are essentially flawed. It’s true — we are. None of us have yet to claim perfection. He also argued that virtually nobody willingly chooses to do wrong, including their level of expectation. However, somewhere along the line, we do. (I guess that’s called being human?)

You want the best for people.

Perhaps your expectations are well-meaning- you want your children to do well in life. However, your definition of “well” is what you are applying here? Your description of doing well may be very different from theirs. And in the end, what makes one interpretation right or wrong?

A commonplace where we experience pain from expectations is our relationships with our children. We expect them to follow our lead unquestioningly, and when they don’t, we’re left feeling angry and frustrated.

We forget that children have individual personalities that are theirs. Trying to control them will only backfire in the long run. They may not be perfect, but they are perfectly themselves. Our guidance supersedes domination.

Dreams unlived

Another way we experience pain from expectations is when we try to live out our unfulfilled dreams through our children. We demand because we expect them to be successful in school or sports, perhaps because we were or were not. We yearn for them to share the same interests as us, but often they don’t, and why should they? Just because Papas’ a football fanatic doesn’t mean little Johnny will be too. When they don’t meet our expectations, we can feel disappointed and resentful.

We need to remember that our children are unique. They should be allowed to pursue their dreams, not ours; as we let go of our expectations and enable them to be themselves, we will avoid unnecessary conflicts in our relationships.

How about channeling that energy into pursuing our dreams? (No, you’re never too old to start something new.) When we choose to focus inward, life becomes more fulfilling in ways we could never have imagined.

Final thoughts

Expectations are somewhat like flowers. Some expect an extravagant bouquet, and others are happy with a simple garden plucked rose. Perhaps you prefer only red roses, like my friend Maria, whereas I adore all bright and colorful blooms.

It boils down to the indisputable fact that we have varying tastes and preferences, much in the same way we do with our expectations.

Perhaps today, we might take a moment to re-think our expectations of others. Some folks can’t reach them, others want to exceed them, but most have their own ideas.

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” -Alexander Pope-