Stop Trying to “Find Yourself” — It’s Not the Key to a Fulfilling Life.

Here’s a better idea.

A man I worked with was on a self-improvement bender.

He’d been through a devastating marriage breakup, moved to a new country and wanted a fresh start.

He had enough money that he didn’t need to work immediately so he’d given himself six months for the project that was Him.

First stop, the gym.

Second stop, therapy.

Now, I always applaud people who want to understand more about who they are — why they think, feel and act in the ways they do. That, after all, is the essence of therapy.

But it makes me nervous when someone puts their life on hold to work on themselves. Mostly because it loads the process with expectation, it holds it to an outcome.

And therapy — just like life — doesn’t work that way.

Too much self-focus? Hmmmm.

My client had been left emotionally ragged by his breakup.

It was smart for him to invest some time in unpacking what went wrong, his role in it, what he did — and absolutely did not — do. To understand his baggage before hauling it into another relationship.

But six months of intense self-focus? Too much introspection tends to spin people in circles. It’s unsettling. It’s anxiety-provoking. And it’s very hard on anyone in their orbit. Aside from the self-absorption it’s, well, boring.

Therapists work in mysterious ways.

That is, we all have our own — hopefully evidence-based — ways of getting alongside our clients and helping them.

I like to take a practical route to shifting thoughts and behaviours, to helping someone figure out who they are.

I like to hook therapy to how they go about real life.

So these words, by poet Mary Sarton, ring true to me.

“One does not ‘find oneself’ by pursuing one’s self, but on the contrary by pursuing something else and learning through some discipline or routine … who one is and wants to be.”

Why unsexy routines rock

Routines are like that best friend you have but you’d never date.

Solid, reliable, great company but lacking the overt magnetism you think you need in a partner (frequently a bad idea, by the way).

But, don’t be fooled, routines are the quiet star of the show.

Here’s why:

• They are a great early step in helping someone to settle their mental health struggles. They provide structure and predictability in a world that is frequently the opposite — uncertain, even chaotic.
• They anchor you in where you are now.
• They take you out of your head and into your body. (Excellent for anyone who has a tendency to overthink.)
• They help you overrule your feelings (when your feelings need to be overruled). While it’s good to “feel”, it’s unhelpful to allow them to dictate how you spend your time. Because...see the next point.
• They help you develop discipline — which is your rock in a raging sea.
• They get you back on track when you have a bad day — or go through a tough time.
• They are a boost to productivity because they just keep you going.
• They enable you to grow and learn at a steady pace. Almost without noticing.
• So they are an essential step on the road to whatever your particular brand of Greatness is.

But that’s not the (really) interesting bit

Routines are only one aspect of your identity, certainly not the whole story.

But they can reveal aspects of your personality, priorities, and values by reflecting how you spend your time, what you enjoy doing, what you’re good at — and what you want to be better at.

In other words, they reflect how you show up in the world.

They’re a window into who you are.

So take a look at the things you do regularly, the things you make time for, your healthy habits (and all your not so healthy ones). What do they tell you about yourself? Do you like what you discover — or could they do with a tweak?

Living life in freefall — going with the flow — is good and healthy sometimes, it can help you take advantage of the moment. It keeps you open to new experiences.

But all the time? Be careful. It’ll hold you back.

If you don’t use routines at all — consider introducing some. Not an exhaustive list of them, which make your days feel like scaling a mountain before you’ve even had breakfast. Just one or two things to give your day a little shape.

Begin by thinking how you want to spend your time, what you want to learn and achieve, and wrap some routines around that. As you show up, day after day, you’ll begin to discover who you are.

“Most of life is routine — dull and grubby, but routine is the momentum that keeps a man going. If you wait for inspiration you’ll be standing on the corner after the parade is a mile down the street.” — Ben Nicholas

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