Self Improvement … Mental Health … Abuse

Stop the Unacknowledged Legacy of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Your History Does Not Define You … Your Choices Do.

In 1984 Something About Amelia premiered as a TV film about the sexual molestation of a young girl by her father.

I sobbed as I watched it. In many ways it was my story. That was less than 40 years ago and yet it is the first time I can recall the subject of incest or child sexual molestation being mentioned in a public forum.

The sexual abuse of children has gone on for centuries and it continues to this day. During the dark ages of childhood sexual abuse it was not talked about. It was hidden away so society could pretend it didn’t exist. That left its victims feeling isolated, guilty and somehow responsible for something they never chose and which hurt them deeply on multiple levels.

Today it is frequently addressed in the public square yet all too often its victims are constrained from speaking and getting help because the family silences them or because they are encouraged to live in a never ending cycle of victimization.

Both of these are highly destructive cycles that are detrimental to your ability to become who you want to become and accomplish what you want to accomplish.

In a perfect world all of our families would be perfect and abuse of any kind within the family wouldn’t exist.

Unfortunately that is not the case.

Even when families appear to be picture perfect too often that is not the case.

Most sexual abusers of children are family members, including extended family, or family friends.

They are trusted.

When a child is abused they are frequently threatened to keep them silent. When they finally reveal it to a family member all too often they are not believed. They may be blamed for seducing …

If law enforcement gets involved they are blamed for breaking up the family. It is the proverbial no win situation for an innocent child.

Other times they are welcomed into the world of victimization. In this world when you are a victim it absolves you from responsibility for your choices going forward.

Being a victim does not mean you must continue as a victim. The idea that your past defines your present and your future is 100% bogus. You cannot change the past. When you change your choices today you change your reality tomorrow.

Choice is the Most Powerful Freedom We Will Ever Enjoy

Destructive childhood legacies include abuse of any kind, physical or emotional abandonment , parental addiction and more. For our purposes here I will focus on sexual abuse. The same principles I discuss her are applicable to other emotional trauma.

So often when a child is sexually abused they try and put the memory and the pain in a box, seal the box up with lots of tape and hide it on the top shelf of the closet and shove it back into the deepest corner. They are tired of being told to get over it. Their idea of self protection is to pretend it never happened.

The problem is it did happen and until it is dealt with it is the 800 lb. elephant in the room even if it is an invisible elephant.

How can something that happened 20–30–40 years ago stymie your progress today?

It is not the abuse per se, it is the emotions that are attached to it and the voices that are a part of the legacy that cause you to feel stuck.

Common ones include

If you hadn’t done X then I wouldn’t have had to do Y.

Nobody but me will ever love you the way I do.

You are so cute I can’t resist being with you.

You belong to me, you can’t say no.

It is my role as your father to teach you how to pleasure a man.

The list is endless.

Everyone of these utterances devalues the child.

They feel demeaned.

They feel worthless.

They feel guilty.

The tapes play over and over in the back of the child’s head even when they become an adult. Sometimes it is the perpetrator’s voice and sometimes it has become so embedded in their psyche they hear it in their own voice.

These voices and the emotions they evoke are the unacknowledged legacy of childhood sexual abuse. It is that feeling of unworthiness that ultimately pops up and keeps us stuck. We don’t feel worthy to have more or accomplish more so we simply don’t.

The Unspoken Truth

We know girls are abused by fathers, brothers and other trusted males.

We know, while less common, but way too prevalent boys are abused by fathers, brothers and other trusted males.

The reality is girls are also sexually abused by mothers, sisters and other trusted females.

The reality is that boys are also sexually abused by mothers, sisters and other trusted females.

Shame and embarrassment are issues for all victims of abuse. It is difficult to talk about.

Societal attitudes make it even more difficult for men to acknowledge their abuse than it is for women, but neither is exempt.

A couple of years ago I was talking with a friend of mine who you could describe as being a real “macho man”. He is retired special forces. As I was telling him about what I do I could see him getting emotional. He has always been very stoic and matter of fact about things. He spoke quietly and with his voice cracking and said “I’ve never told anyone”.

A couple of weeks ago I was speaking with a woman who has been a friend for more than 10 years. She has known what I do for years. At one point in our conversation she looked at me and said: “I have so much respect for you because of how open you are about your experiences and your desire to help people.” Even then she didn’t say that it was her story also, but looking at the pain in her eyes I knew and it broke my heart that she couldn’t say it, and that over these many years she has never reached out to me.

Truth -There is No Reason to Be in Pain When There is a Proven Path to Hope & Healing

Why is it human nature to prefer to live with the pain that we know rather than risk stepping into the unknown and embrace our potential to heal?

That is the question that keeps me up at night because it makes no sense to me.

The path from pain to the freedom to live with passion & purpose has 3 steps.

Step 1 -Is what I call the pre-foundation. It is all about breaking the chains of your past that continue to bind you.

Step 2 -Is the foundation … this is The 7 Pillars of a Happy & Successful Life where you get clear about where you are going and who you are becoming now that the chains aren’t holding you back.

Step 3 -Dream Catchers … this is about creating your personal roadmap to build momentum in becoming the you that you have always know you could be. As a part of that you learn to say no to good things & good people so you can say yes to great things and maximize your impact in your life, your circle and the world.

Bonus Tip

Always remember your future is not determined by your history, it is determined by your choices today.

Choose to step up and choose hope and healing.

Would you like to learn 10 strategies to move beyond childhood sexual abuse?