Stop the Screen Wars: How to Make Screen Transitions a Little Less Painful
As parents, we struggle to get a moment to ourselves. Quietly, we drift away upstairs. We sneak behind basement shelves under the guise of looking for that one thing we need. Yes, we even take to hiding in bathrooms. I am a strong advocate for modeling good technology boundaries for our kids. And I also know the do-whatever-it-takes desperation to have a couple of minutes to myself. I want to read that article that’s been in my queue for three days. I want to scroll through social media mindlessly. I want to have a few minutes in a room alone. I, too, am not above hiding in the bathroom.
Give my child her tablet or Nintendo Switch and watch her run full steam into her favorite device. Ah, peace. I can drink my coffee and read a book. Imagine that!
Yet all good things come to an end. Eventually, kids need to transition off the screen. As evil, no-good parents we have to tell them to turn off their game and come to dinner. It’s time to put their phone away and go to bed. Enter in arguments, tantrums, and power struggles.
Why Your Kid Can’t Get Off the Screen
Screen transitions can be exhausting. In my clinical work, parents are often quick to conclude that their cranky, irritable, and angry child must be struggling with screen addiction. I understand where they are coming from. The inability to stop a behavior despite continued negative consequences is a Hallmark of addictive behavior.
What parents need to understand, however, is that children lack the self-regulating skills to know when enough is enough. It is completely developmentally appropriate that children, especially those under the age of 12, struggle to know when to stop. Self-regulation skills are developed over time with some children still developing these skills well into their teenage years.
Making Screen Transitions Less Painful
We see the change in our kid’s mood after too much screen time. They get irritable, agitated, anxious, or just flat-out cranky after they’ve crossed their own limit. We are also exhausted. We’ve also been on screens all day (oh, Zoom life…) and feeling irritable and burned out. It may take every last ounce of energy we can muster to remain calm in the face of Screen Wars. How can we make these transitions less painful for all involved? The following are three tips to try and ease the agony of endless screen struggles.
1. Be Explicit with Screen Parameters. Cutting your 10-year-old off from their iPad after 30 minutes when they assumed they could use it all afternoon will end poorly. We often think our children know our boundaries. We think what is common sense to us will be equally sensical to them. Of course, they know they’ll need to put away their iPad after 30 minutes, we think, they know we never let them use it all day. Resist the urge to make such assumptions.
When giving permission around screens, provide explicit verbal parameters about time. For example, “You can use the iPad for 30 minutes, after which we need to plug it in and put it away. I’ll give you a 5-minute warning so you can finish what you’re doing.”
For younger children, ask that they make eye contact with you while you state time limits. Ask them to repeat back to you what you said to make sure they both heard and understood you.
Consider getting your child their own timer just to use for screen time. Have them collaborate on the process of setting time limits by having them set the timer themselves. Occasionally, be open to negotiating the amount of screen time. Collaborating with your kids can help them be more invested in the process and potentially ease the struggle when it comes time to turn off the screen.
2. Press Pause. When we lose track of time on screens, we can neglect basic bodily functions. Help your child practice taking a break and check-in with themselves. The Press Pause intervention is simple. When you, the parent, tell them to “press pause” they must pause what they are doing on their device, get up and do something to take care of themselves. Get a snack, some water, go to the restroom, walk around or stretch their legs.
The pressing pause can help your child develop those much-needed self-regulation skills. It also reinforces the importance of taking a moment to check in with their body, note how they are feeling, and take care of what they need. Remember this is a learned skill that needs to be practiced. Like any new skill, the more you do it the easier it can get.
Don’t surprise your child with Press Pause when you first introduce it. Be explicit in explaining to your child in advance that you’re going to try something new. With younger children, do it with them. Below is an example script for introducing Press Pause.
“Okay, you can play your video game for a few hours but today but I want us to try something new. It’s important that we practice taking care of ourselves when we’re using screens. The new thing is called Press Pause. Twice during your game, I will come in and tell you to press pause on your game so we can check-in. We’ll take a 5-minute break to stretch and get some water or a snack. Then you can go back to your game. I have a lot of computer work to do this afternoon too so this will help me as well.”
3. When on the Go, Screens are a Treat, Not an Expectation. The car is fertile ground for screen wars. A tablet in the car can work wonders when you want to listen to that podcast or, god forbid, listen to anything other than the Encanto soundtrack ad infinitum. Or, better yet, have an adult conversation at a restaurant without being interrupted numerous times. It can also be a nightmare when your child refuses to stop and eat because they are frozen to their screen. Or they scream for just one more minute when they’re already 10 minutes late for school.
The thing about screens is that they are a tool. They are a tool that works really well when you need it. Too much frequency, however, and what was once a perfectly fine hammer is now an out-of-control wrecking ball.
Save screens in cars for those times you really need them. Make it a general rule that your child not bring a tablet or a hand-held video game on car rides that are under a certain amount of time that seems reasonable to you, your family, and your needs.
Set similar boundaries around bringing screens into restaurants or other public places and social events. Remember, you can always make exceptions to this rule when you need to. By all means, please save your sanity by allowing your child to bring their Switch on the car ride to grandma’s. Think of screens in such situations as breaks in case of emergency. If screens are seen as a treat rather than an expectation, your kids may develop a greater appreciation for those long, indulgent, screen-filled car rides.
Oxygen Masks & Final Thoughts
Always remember the first rule of air travel: In case of emergency, secure your own oxygen mask before helping others. Even with the most well-thought-out, compassionate, and caring approach to negotiating screen transitions with our kids, some days will still be a struggle. No plan is air-tight and no intervention works 100% of the time.
In those moments of struggle, do your best to remain calm and present. Take care of yourself as best you can when days are difficult. Do your best to practice good boundaries with your own use of screens to mitigate screen-induced physical and emotional stress.
Stick to your boundaries and be flexible when it’s needed. Most importantly, be ongoing support for your kids as they grow into developing their own healthy relationships with screens.
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