Stop Taking Pride in Overachieving
Instead, look into what makes you overachieve
I am writing this during the holiday season, because for these two weeks I’m basically doing nothing, just drifting. And for the first time in my life, I don’t feel good about it.
Yes, you read it 100% correct. I used to feel bad for not working because there was always work to be done. Always. I was afraid of falling behind.
Growing up with overly critical parents only added to that pressure of achieving more. If I went home with a test score of 99 out of 100, my Dad would never acknowledge the 99 points achieved — only focusing on the 1 point missing.
The one point missing became a hallmark of my growth. I was always chasing the missing point. I was always on the lookout for “should”s.
And I was great. I was always one of the top achievers from K to grad school, which was 18 years in my case. If I knew one thing really well, that would be what it felt like to be “good” my entire life.
Except that it didn’t really feel that good. My happiness outgrew my achievements, and I stopped feeling happy, no matter what.
When I was finally brave enough to get to the bottom of it, I made a horrifying realization: All my life I was seeking external validation.
I labeled my self-worth with achievements. Whenever I felt I wasn’t achieving enough, I’d put in more effort to make myself feel worthy. I was putting layer after layer on my poor self-esteem, trying to make it look better than what it was.
Until it stopped working. Or until someone who was always behind me suddenly got ahead. Or until a major life event happened. Or until someone pinpointed it for me. Then it dawned on me.
There is nothing wrong with overachieving. Self-actualization is what human beings are always after, but you have to be clear about what it comes from.
Check Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and see if there’s a missing part on that pyramid. Fill in the missing part first. Otherwise, you’re not building your pyramid to achieve your goals — you’re doing it to run away from the lack and the pain.
For the overachievers out there, your mantra is likely: “What else can I do today?” Consider replacing that for a week with: “What can I do less of today?” And see what happens. — -Tad Hargrave.
For those overachievers who are doing it to run away from pain and shame (like me), the above conversation with yourself is probably one of the best things you can do before anything else.
I can do less of worry. I can do less of people-pleasing. I can do less self-criticizing. I can do less of controlling. I can do less thinking and planning. And just be.
Subscribe for a Free Nourishment