Advice

Stop Squeezing Lady Parts

The Cuomo Era is over

I’m a woman, married to a man and we don’t come to the same conclusion when we watch the news. When we talk about Cuomo’s behavior, my husband said, “Trump wouldn’t resign.”

“Wow,” I said.

My hubby has the uncanny ability to say the ex-prez’s name without ranting.

“I mean. Trump’d reframe it,” my hubby said. “He’d blame the victim, and he would laugh at the concept of resigning.”

I appreciate the male perspective. I don’t always agree with it, but I am grateful for it. I wasn’t looking for my twin when I got married. I don’t know if I was looking for anything specific, but I do know, with absolute certainty, that I didn’t want to live with a male version of me.

I’ve met the male version of me. He was delightful, but at some point, we’d be like “Ew. I feel like we’re related. And stop interrupting.”

When I was in my 20s, I would yell at my husband about not agreeing with me until he threw the white flag into the field. I’m too old for that now. It makes me tired. I need to conserve my energy for non-political fights, like who’s taking out the dog at 4 am.

Our differing opinions, particularly during quarantime, are welcomed. Life is dull. How much more boring would it be if I said, “Cuomo should resign,” and my husband said, “Yes.” Then, what would talk about? Remote education? Vaccines? Where we’re not going on vacation? No thanks. I’d rather fight about the arrested development of male political figures.

“Why don’t you think he should resign?” I asked.

“Innocent until proven guilty,” he said.

“But he’s guilty.”

“If a man resigned every time a woman accused him of something,” he said. “There would be no men in office.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“There has to be some sort of inquiry,” he said.

“Like when women were being accused of being witches?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “We should bring Cuomo to the Hudson, see if he floats or sinks to the bottom.”

“Can we put rocks in his pockets?”

“Yes,” he said. “We just can’t have accusation then resignation. Something has to happen in between.”

“But what about the toxic work environment he created? You’ve never been a woman. You don’t know how terrorizing that can be.”

“Maybe he should be judged by how he behaved before he was in-office, versus how he behaved while he was in office.”

“So punish him based on how much power be had?” I asked.

“Exactly,” he said. “Make the degree of the punishment fit the job.”

“So people with itty bitty power can abuse women?” I asked. “But people with big power cannot?”

“No, people with itty bitty power get fired. People with big power resign or get impeached. But both people get to defend themselves.”

“But what if women are too afraid to come forward because no one believes them?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Yeah, what?” I asked.

“Yeah, that sucks,” he said. “People should believe women.”

“But they don’t.”

“Seems like they do now,” he said.

“That’s relatively recent and relatively precarious,” I said.

“Accusations are not proof of guilt,” he said.

“Women don’t generally waste their time fake accusing men,” I said. “We’re busy.”

“Have you seen the movie Airplane?” He asked.

“You’ve lost me.”

“Cuomo’s from a different time,” he said. “He’s from a time where people pinched stewardesses’ in the ass.”

“Men pinched them in the asses, not people,” I said. “And they’re called flight attendants.”

“Right, but he’s from then.”

“Shouldn’t these dinosaurs have to catch up?” I asked.

“Yeah. Maybe you’re right.” Music to my ears. “It sounds like he’s hasn’t changed his behavior from the old days. He’s still squeezing asses on airplanes.”

I win. It feels like an easy win because neither of us ever had the Cuomo crush. He was an easy sheep to throw to the wolves.

Men and women don’t think the same. I know. Shocking. Information enters through the same ear filter, but then the meatgrinder brain turns it into different shapes.

Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars isn’t the right title anymore. I think the working title is Women want their butts left alone so they can do their job, and Men want to squeeze them while they’re at work. I know, guys, asses are ripe peaches. How can you possibly stay away? I have a solution.

If you need to squeeze an ass, squeeze your own.