Stop Shaming the Cheated-on Spouse Who Chooses to Stay

The discovery that the person you love most in the world has betrayed you with another person (or persons) is one of the most devastating things a person can endure. The shock, anger, fear, shame, and just plain horror are beyond what most people can process. It means that life has been altered forever, and not for the better.

It takes time to get through all the complex and negative emotions that occur with discovery. The shock of it can make people do stupid things. We have all heard stories about stalking, threats to either the affair partner or the spouse, and even murder. Some people, myself included, tell everyone who will listen (and even some who don’t want to know). Friends and family are interested at first, often just for the gossip potential, but then get compassion fatigue. Others keep it very secret, only telling people who might understand and keep the shameful secret that eats away at them. This is a very powerful set of negatives and can influence how a person acts, feels, and lives for the rest of their lives.

The advice that is always given is LEAVE! Don’t look back, just walk away. You’re stupid and hopeless if you don’t. That is, of course, an option but there are a lot of factors in play and moving quickly is almost always a mistake. If the cheating spouse/partner appears to be sorry and doesn’t want to end the relationship, there is a decision to be made. Leave or stay? And the very last thing the cheated-on person needs to hear is the “just leave” advice. And the shaming that comes quickly afterward if they don’t.

There are a lot of things to be carefully considered first.

Finances/Money

Obviously, this is a big one. There are so many things to consider. The money, the house(s), car(s), retirement. Then there is health insurance and car insurance that are often shared policies.

What about a stay-at-home mom who doesn’t have any way to quickly get an income to support not only herself but her children? Yes, there is (maybe) alimony and some child support but will it be enough to provide housing, transportation, health insurance, phone bills, car insurance, utilities, food, clothing?

What about a spouse who has no or much less income? Their contributions to the partnership were made in other ways and now here they are looking at starting over with little or no way to make enough money to live. And what about health insurance? That is a huge thing that most people take for granted but many times with divorce, it goes away. And is very expensive to replace, especially for older people who aren’t old enough for Medicare.

Where will I go, where will I live, how will I live? Those are huge issues that are not easy to resolve but are necessary when divorce happens. If there is not much money this is very, very difficult to even contemplate. It does not help to have people, no matter how well meaning, that keep urging you to leave and acting like you’re stupid if you don’t.

A divorce always lessens the lifestyle of at least one, if not both, of the partners. That can be devastating in and of itself.

Family

Another big one. If there are minor children, things can get very complicated. The legal system does not help much. First, in most states in the U.S., the legal system does not care about cheating at all. No fault. So, you’re left with whatever you can work out with a spouse or partner who probably will fight to the death to keep as much as they can. Divorce attorneys are very expensive and often drag things out to make/keep as much as possible. The deck is stacked against us. Add in visitation, parental alienation, and other games people play and you have a shit stew that goes on to the next generation.

Adult children are impacted too. Maybe not as much as the younger ones that are stuck in the middle of the storm, but their family as they knew it is gone with a divorce. If they try to remain neutral and be Switzerland, they will probably alienate both parents. So, what do they do? Choose one and throw away the other one? And what about any grandchildren? It is not good for anyone for the family, as they knew it, to go away.

Then, especially in long marriages, there is the extended family. What if you are close to the in-laws? What if your sister-in-law is your best friend? Will they eventually dump you for the new person that takes your place? If they take your side against your spouse/partner, does that divide the entire family? No matter what, things will never be the same.

The same goes for friends too. Some friends will side with you, some will side with the cheater, and some will try to be neutral, so they’re basically gone. Making new friends in the middle of this kind of storm is hard.

For me, after a long marriage, I feel like I can never get what I had again. I knew and loved my ex’s great-grandmother, all of his grandparents, his parents, his aunts. And they are all dead, as are most of those family members of people my age. How unutterably sad that I will never get to have that again with anyone.

Anger and Shame

This is huge. There is so much to process emotionally that it can take years to get to a place where you feel even slightly normal. I have written about all the crazy (dumb) things I did once I found out what my ex was truly up to because I was so consumed with anger. From stalking him and the affair partners to outing him to friends and family, I did it all. I might have even accidentally shot at him. But I wasn’t in a frame of mind where I could actually leave although I certainly got pressure from almost everyone to do just that. The only people who didn’t say LEAVE were the ones who had been through it too. They said take time and do what you need to do for YOU. If you decide to stay that is OK. They understood and that was priceless to me.

The first time I remarried my ex, many years ago, my guy friends at work were horrified when they found out. I didn’t tell them ahead of time, but they noticed the ring on my finger pretty quickly and asked. They came to me in a group and said: “You should have talked to us first!” They meant well, but it changed everything and made me feel awful. They were right, I guess, but the ex and I went on for another 32 years before I had truly had enough and left. I had to be ready and sometimes that takes a very long time.

Fear

Oh, that fear! If you take into consideration all of the above, it paints a very daunting picture for the future. And an uncertain future is not a good thing to contemplate. There is the financial fear, the fear for the loss of the family and friends, the shame that goes with divorce, and the unknown future. Maybe divorce just isn’t worth it.

Love

Love is the hardest thing to deal with. At least it was for me. What if you still love this person who betrayed you? What if they seem sorry and/or they don’t want you to leave? You have built this life together with money and stuff and family. You have very deep feelings. This makes the decision much harder. It is hard to stop loving someone no matter what they’ve done. True love goes very deep into the soul and is difficult to push away.

I still love my ex. I just got to a point where I could not take the cheating anymore. I will probably always love him. There are people who don’t understand that, and I don’t understand it completely myself. I just know that the love is there. Nothing he did or I did made that go away.

Conclusion

If you know someone who is stuck in this muck the worst thing you can do is tell them to leave. The best thing you can do is listen. They need to talk, to express all those horrible feelings and fears. If you have advice, proceed slowly. Everyone’s situation is different. Everyone’s choices are different. This is a person who has been abused. What is right for me may be wrong for the next person. I now say that I wish I had held my head high and walked away for good the very first time I had a d-day (discovery day). But, I wasn’t ready. And it took a lot of years for me to be ready. And in the end, the decision was mine alone to make.