Stop Saying I Was Pretty

Summary

The article discusses the discomfort transgender individuals may feel when others praise their past appearance, as it can invalidate their current identity and suggest a preference for their pre-transition self.

Abstract

The author of the article expresses discomfort with being complimented on their appearance before transitioning. Despite the well-intentioned nature of such comments, they can be perceived as backhanded compliments that invalidate the individual's current gender identity. The article emphasizes that these remarks can imply a preference for the person's past appearance and misunderstand the reasons for transitioning, which are rooted in gender dysphoria rather than a desire to be more attractive. The author suggests that instead of comparing past and present appearances, it would be more respectful to appreciate photos from the past without commentary on gender or to focus on non-appearance-related aspects of the individual's life, such as hobbies, interests, and achievements.

Opinions

Praising a trans person's past appearance can be hurtful and invalidating, as it may suggest their transition was about attractiveness rather than gender identity.
Trans individuals may have a complicated relationship with their past, and comments on their pre-transition appearance can be uncomfortable and suggest a lack of acceptance of their current identity.
It is more respectful and appropriate to focus on aspects of a trans person's life unrelated to their sex, gender, or appearance, recognizing them as whole human beings.
When a trans person shares a past photo, it is important to acknowledge the traits they identify with, rather than dismissing them or focusing on gendered aspects of their past appearance.
The author feels that the purpose of their existence is not to make others comfortable and that honesty is preferable to backhanded compliments.

Praising a trans person’s past appearance is not the compliment you think it is

Someone I recently met saw some photos of me before I transitioned. I don’t hide them, so that wasn’t an issue. However, when she began gushing about how pretty she thought I was in those photos, it made me uncomfortable. At first, I responded with an awkward, um, thanks, but then she kept going. I had to ask her to please stop twice before she realized I did not appreciate the praise.

Backhanded Compliments

I know most people mean well and may not realize how praising a trans person’s past appearance may come across. However, there are plenty of people who purposely make backhanded compliments to us all the time. It’s not always easy to tell the well-meaning ones from those who want to hurt us.

Whether it’s meant as an honest compliment, what people don’t understand is how much of a complicated relationship trans people have with their past. By telling us we looked so good as our past selves, it invalidates how we look now. It also makes it sound like you preferred how we looked before our transition.

In some ways, it sounds like you think the only reason we transitioned was because we thought we looked ugly. It isn’t reassuring to know that you think our pre-transition selves were attractive. We didn’t transition because we thought looking like another gender would make us more attractive. The problem is we aren’t comfortable in our own skin, regardless of how attractive or not we may be.

I never felt like an unattractive woman. That’s not to say I was a hottie or anything, but I thought I was pretty cute for a girl. The problem was, I wasn’t comfortable being a girl. I could have been the hottest girl on the planet, and I still wouldn’t have felt comfortable in my own skin because my gender didn’t match the rest of me.

So, trying to convince me I was attractive as a woman does nothing but make me think you’re uncomfortable with the change I made. The purpose of my existence is not to make you more comfortable.

A Better Alternative

Let me start by saying, if all you are really doing is making a backhanded compliment, do us all a favor and be honest. Insult us to our face. It will save us all a lot of time and trouble.

However, for those of you who didn’t realize complimenting us on our past appearance was hurtful to trans people, here are some better ideas. First, if you see an old photo of us, don’t make a comparison between our current appearance and that in the photo. Appreciate the photo for what it is without making a fuss over it. If you feel the need to remark at all, you could comment on something like the blue in that top really brought out your eyes.

Also, if a trans person shows you a photo of themselves before their transition and points out a trait of theirs in the photo relating to their gender identity, don’t dismiss it. That’s invalidating and hurtful. The few times I’ve pulled out a past photo and pointed out how butch I thought I looked; someone will remark things like but that’s such a feminine sweater you’re wearing.

G. L. Balend (in white) with late husband (in blue), and their dogs, Joey and Lexi

You can see one example here, where I’m posing with my late husband and our dogs. The sweaters we are wearing, while different colors, were both the exact same cut, brand, and size. Yet, because I look female in this photo, all people can say is how my sweater is pretty and obviously a women’s cut. It’s annoying, at best, when people do that, because I want people to focus on the masculinity I can see in myself, even from before my transition.

Please remember, for trans people, it can be painful for us to discuss our past, especially prior to our transition. However, if you want to get to know us better, focus on things that aren’t related to our sex, gender, or appearance. We have hobbies, interests, careers, goals, and dreams like anyone else. There are many things you can talk to us about that have nothing to do with our gender or transition. Treat us like the whole human beings we are, and not some freak from a sideshow.