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Abstract

p id="db15">For example, my husband put a stop to my way of trying to get our son to eat his meals and stop being fussy because it just wasn’t working. After a certain period of time of him implementing his own way of doing things, which was firmer and stricter than I would’ve liked, I started to see some changes in my son and how he would sit down to eat the entire plate of food in front of him.</p><p id="21fa">Now, Andriel looks forward to sitting down next to his parents and mostly eats his entire plate, including the veg. My husband was right, and I was wrong — at least for a period of time (because no one knows the future and kids are unpredictable!)</p><p id="60fc"><b>But my husband didn’t say “I told you so”.</b> He didn’t discredit me as a mother, even if I did question my own decision making. He understood that being wrong is not a bad thing, and also, that <b>I wasn’t “wrong” to begin with</b>. Some things work, and some things don’t work for our children. And some things work for a while and then need to be changed. And that’s OK.</p><p id="4e9d">Parenting, while continuous, is flexible.</p><p id="ec93"><a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-successfully-wing-it-d39222a3d808">And we are all winging it.</a></p><h1 id="101b">Lowering Expectations Is Empowering</h1><p id="cde5">I have this constant need as the main caregiver to simply know what to do and get it right — especially after all the research I do on many aspects of parenting. But the thing is, it is only because of my own expectations that we get upset when things don’t work out. We paint a picture of how things will go, and when they don’t go our way, we self-criticise.</p><p id="3b33">Recently, I have been struggling to make the decision of whether to send our son to daycare. Because of the recent lockdowns, I feared that he wasn’t getting enough social stimulation and he needed to spend more time with other children. We decided to send him to a local nursery two mornings a week.</p><p id="fec8">But that wasn’t my only reason for wanting to send him there. I also needed more time to really step up my game as a writer, begin marketing myself and really work on my book.</p><p id="fa4a">But I’m tired of questioning myself, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-get-what-you-want-1973fd008ecb">since taking the road to self-care</a> in order to be a better mother and person, I decided that my reasons were as good as any to send Andriel to daycare at the age of 27 months.</p><p id="d466">It has only been a few weeks, and so far, he does not look forward to going there. I feel in fact he has become shier and clingier than usual. This makes me question once again whether what I am doing is right, and whether the caregivers at the centre are doing right by my son.</p><p id="93a8"><b>I’m ready to assign blame and judge because this is what we do as people growing up in today’s society.</b></p><div id="5778" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/learning-to-enjoy-motherhood-guilt-free-966e7fa38d58"> <div> <div> <h2>Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free</h2> <div><h3>undefined</h3></div> <div><p>undefined</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*o44YftcYVXjSo_va)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="d0f8">But I have to remember that it will solve nothing. I need to readjust my expectations and remind myself that everything takes time and that obstacles are all part of the journey, including my son’s settling in time at daycare.</p><p id="1231">He will get there because he is a strong and sociable little boy. He will be fine because he will still have an abundance of love at home waiting for him when he gets back and throughout the rest of the week. But I cannot decide how and when he will be running happily into nursery in the mornings — that’s a picture I need to let go of, but treasure if it happens.</p><p id="b15a">Sometimes, it

Options

is our expectations that need change, not our circumstances. We have to be OK with hiccups in parenting. Rather, we need not see them as hiccups, but as part of the process of bringing up children. After all, we are only human.</p><h1 id="7806">Takeaway</h1><figure id="facf"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*0ZLtDIAU40LQtOeo"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@drezart?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Andrae Ricketts</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&amp;utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="f3a0">I believe in a mother’s instinct, but I don’t believe in the expectation that it will be there when we need it. If that expectation isn’t met then we will be more than ready to assign blame, and it won’t help us grow as parents or as individuals. In fact, I think that the constant need to meet these expectations is what causes us to feel like a failure at some point in our lives.</p><p id="b5d4">Instead, I recommend a more supportive plan, where advice can be handed out without coming across as all-knowing and dismissive of the parent. We can learn not to feel offended at others’ suggestions in the same way that others can learn not to be judgemental. I advise that others do get involved in taking care of kids, in a non-judgemental “I-told-you-so” way when the main interest is that of the child — not of themselves.</p><p id="1680">Most importantly, we have to learn that <b>mistakes are normal</b>, and most of the time, they’re not life-threatening. We are all human after all, and that makes us susceptible to countless errors over the course of time. In modern parenting, most parents are learning not to scold their kids when they make mistakes because it’s detrimental to their confidence building. <i>We should take that same approach with ourselves and other adults.</i></p><p id="93d5">So, let’s cut ourselves a little slack, and lower that pressure to get it right. Nobody is born a parent with experience.</p><div id="2a67" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/redefining-the-concept-of-happiness-16e5524c2b2d"> <div> <div> <h2>Redefining the Concept of Happiness</h2> <div><h3>How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6xDaJcMnjn9r6Bow)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="88c4" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-battle-with-anger-as-a-parent-24e7837c5fac"> <div> <div> <h2>My Battle With Anger As a Parent</h2> <div><h3>Ensuring our son feels loved regardless of our feelings.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Me4slkvdZGGCbsbjqQ_7bg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="c95b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-husband-is-a-damn-good-father-de20d1ef2217"> <div> <div> <h2>My Husband Is A Damn Good Father</h2> <div><h3>And he deserves praise.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Oqw-YSI_IVOLn-k0)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="7dcc"><b><i>Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. <a href="https://medium.com/@sylviaemokpae">See more work like this</a>.</i></b></p><p id="f728"><a href="https://twitter.com/SylviaEmokpae"><b>Follow her</b></a><b> on Twitter.</b></p></article></body>

Stop Reading Faster, and Instead Read Better

Books are more than a number on your list

Photo: Laura Chouette / Unsplash

As a woman, it’s probably not surprising that I love to multitask. I like to watch a show whilst I’m cooking, as it makes the process more relaxing and an opportunity to wind down from my day. I like to listen to podcasts whilst I walk or run, as a chance to achieve a bit more from that time. I am all for multitasking, but I draw the line when it comes to reading.

I consider reading to be sacred. It’s corny and undoubtedly biased because I’m a fiction writer, but I truly believe reading is a vital function in human life. And I don’t mean daily quick-reading, like reading a sign whilst you’re driving, or a text message or even an inspirational Instagram quote. I’m talking about hard-core reading. When you sit down with a fresh book (or your sleek Kindle) and for half an hour or more, the world as you know it ceases to exist. You give up control to the author, allowing them to follow the time-old tradition of transporting you to another life.

Even just writing about it is getting me excited. I love books, and I always have, and that’s why I find it so painful to witness the trend of reading quicker. Individuals are playing audiobooks on double speed; people are advising you on how to skim pages or even skip sections. I can’t stand this, and here’s why.

Someone Took the Time to Write this

I’m going to start by appealing to your empathy, as if that doesn’t work, I have reason and rationality ready on the defence. I want to remind you that the book you’re holding in your hands is the product of someone’s passion. Someone took days, weeks, months and maybe even years to create this book.

Whether it’s nonfiction and the result of years of learning, or fiction and a story formed from their own mind, this was an achievement for someone. Even if they have dozens of other books out, someone took the time to sit down and create this book. And then you took the money to pay for it — at least I hope you did!

This book has value; it isn’t just a rushed text message, a Tweet sent out half-asleep; this is someone’s work. And you’re looking for the swiftest way to rush your way through it so that you can say you’ve read it so that you can add another tally to your list.

We need to respect the arts and value of creativity, especially now in a time when so few do. Many things are available at demand; the world is moving so quickly and losing its patience for art, so don’t contribute to this sad demise. Respect the written word, respect the time that goes into a project. Just because you can binge a show within three hours, it doesn’t mean that a screenwriter didn’t spend close to a year crafting that work for you, that they’re not nervously checking reviews and hoping their creation will be appreciated.

Value the work of others, if only to release that good karma into the world. Respect a book and the time that went into each page or even line that you skim over, and recognise that this is wasting their efforts.

Books Are Not a Number on Your list

I will admit that I aim to read a certain number of books in a year. Last year, I managed to read thirty-five books, and this year I am aiming for forty. That could tempt me to rush through books and choose smaller books to reach or surpass my goal, but I resist the temptation. Because there’s a reason that I set this goal for myself, and I’m sure you have one too.

Did you aim to read more books so that you could say you did? If so, find another hobby that you enjoy more, one that brings pleasure. I aim to read more because I love reading, and I want to encourage myself to make more time for it.

Reading requires time, but that doesn’t mean that you should treat it like a chore that you hurdle through. The best things require time, like delicious souffles, intricate tattoos, aged cheeses and a plant growing to its beautiful self. Time can be an indicator of great things to come, of the value of something, rather than an obstacle to be overcome.

If you’re tempted to rush through books, consider why you’re reading them at all? You should want to sit down and enjoy them, to gain value from them, rather than using them as a to-do list.

Missing the Content

When you fly through a book, eyes skimming the pages or speed cranked up until they sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks, you’re missing content. No matter what method you try, the result is that you’re losing out on words. Because there is no other way to be quicker than to skip aspects. You’re deciding to miss out on parts to save time. Reading a certain number of words takes a certain number of minutes or hours, and by losing some of those, you lose content.

Maybe you’re just losing descriptions or extended examples. But consider the rigorous editing process that goes into a book. A book isn’t just written and uploaded to Amazon. There’s a first draft, a second draft, and a third draft. There is copyediting, line-editing and developmental editing. By the time a book is done and dusted, at least half a dozen people have read and scrutinised it, likely more.

The lines you’re missing were chosen to be there for a reason. The words you miss because you’re not focusing were selected over dozens of others. This book and its content were finely crafted, and you’re missing out on that, which is a true shame.

If you’re reading this book to learn something, whether that’s techniques for productivity, writing tips or another form of self-help, then wouldn’t you want to get the most of all of those aspects? The text you skim over might include a vital hint, a tip, or an example that allows you to visualise what they’re talking about. If you are reading a book to learn from it, then let yourself do so. Skimming over a textbook would be unlikely to get you an A+ in school, so apply the same rhetoric to your education now and give yourself the learnings of this book as they were intended to be read.

How to Read better

Instead of trying to read books faster, aim to read them better. This involves giving your focus to the book entirely. As I mentioned, I love to multitask, but the exception is reading. When it comes to reading, I don’t do anything else. I don’t even listen to audiobooks as I run or go about my day. This ensures that I am always focused and fully present for a book to get all that I can from it.

Consider where you’re reading

When you start reading with focus, it’s essential to do so in an environment that doesn’t distract you. Choose a quiet area with no music or background noise so that you can immerse yourself in the book. As you build your reading muscle, you’ll find it easier to focus on a book in potentially distracting places, allowing you to read more in waiting rooms or on public transport.

Put your phone away

Turn your phone over, or even leave it in another room, and most certainly on silent. If your eyes are flicking over to your screen, you’re missing something that you supposedly just read. We all need more time away from our screens; ensure that your reading time achieves this by removing your phone or other devices.

Stay present whilst reading

This may sound redundant, as the whole point of reading is to transport yourself elsewhere! When reading a book, if you think you may be tired or distracted, be sure to test yourself. Stop at the end of a page and try to remember what you just read. Given the amount of stimulus we’re exposed to daily, we naturally start skimming over things.

Or maybe we get excited and look ahead. Fight this impulse and check yourself. If you can’t remember what you just read, then reread the page. At the start, this might make reading take longer, but it ensures you’re getting so much from the book that you don’t need to reread it soon.

Make reading a gift to yourself

Reading shouldn’t be a chore, as it calms your body and engages your mind. Try to avoid thinking of reading as a hassle or something you ‘should’ do, and instead remember all the benefits of reading and its joy. Focus on reading in a positive light.

Read something you want to read

Too often, we read things that we believe we should. These could be classics, non-fiction books or acclaimed novels. Whilst it is great to push yourself and leave your comfort zone, you shouldn’t force yourself to read something you’re not enjoying. Especially if you’re just starting to read more or struggling with focus, you should fixate on books that you enjoy.

Whether this is vampire romance, young adult or fantasy, just enjoy what you’re reading. Fiction holds a lot of benefits for us as well, including empathy-building, de-stress and escapism. Once you’re back into a routine of reading, you can challenge yourself more.

There is a way to read more and enjoy books, and it isn’t about rushing a book or quickening the audio; it’s about recognising why you want to read more. It’s about making that choice. Instead of sitting on your phone in bed, pick up your book. Instead of rewatching another show, choose a good book that you’ve wanted to read.

Find the pleasure in reading, and the benefits are countless. Ensure that reading doesn’t become another chore, a hassle, or a number on your list, as then there is genuinely no point in picking up that book. Get everything you want out of a book by taking your time through it and reading it well, just like it was intended to be consumed.

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Originally published at https://symptomsofliving.com.

Books
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