Stop Nagging and Start Living

A simple three-step process to improve your life!

Generally speaking, nagging is associated with difficult spouses and frustrated parents. Nagging ranges from toilet habits to homework. It can be about simple things such as a cupboard door frequently left open, or about a ticking time bomb of a leaking kitchen pipe, ready to burst open and flood the house.

There is another kind of nagging which is closer to us and even more destructive — the nagging voice in our head.

This voice prompts us to go to the gym instead of lying on the couch. It warns us to skip the dessert and eat kale. And it is the little voice which nags us to stop watching endless cat videos and instead complete that $500 self-help course we bought with such enthusiasm.

We have read articles about the toxicity of nagging in a marriage or the futility of nagging our children. Constantly nagging ourselves is no different. It erodes our self-confidence, makes us hate ourselves and it doesn’t work anyway.

How about we give up nagging ourselves first and then give up nagging altogether. Here is a simple 3-step process to give up nagging:

Step 1: Make a nagging list

“Self-awareness involves deep personal honesty. It comes from asking and answering hard questions.” – Stephen Covey

The first step towards any improvement is an awareness of the current situation. We nag ourselves hundreds of times a day, and often, we aren’t even aware of it.

So, get your journal out and list all the things you are currently nagging yourself about. You may want to categorise your nagging list into health, career, finances etc. Note that every item on your list is a change you want to make in your life, something you are not happy with as it stands today.

You may find it difficult to remember everything in a single sitting, so add to your list whenever you can. Don’t worry about an exhaustive list of every little thing you nag yourself about. Just focus on the big hairy ones, and we will tackle them in the next step.

Step 2: Find the why

“Success comes when we wake up every day in that never-ending pursuit of why we do what we do.” — Simon Sinek

You nag yourself about something only if you haven’t done it in the first place.

So, why aren’t you doing it?

It has everything to do with the old pain and pleasure predicament of all humans. Some of the thing on your list are too painful to do, so you are avoiding them. Some of the items are so pleasurable that you can’t give them up. Go through your list and mark them with a smiley face if they are pleasurable and a sad face if they are painful. Remember that everything on your list is up for change, even the ones with the smiley face. No, you can’t finish off the tub of ice-cream hidden in the freezer.

Choose any 5 items from your list. Don’t worry, we will get to the rest of the items on another day.

Now, for each item, if you have a smiley face, write the pleasure you are seeking, and if you have a sad face, write the pain you are avoiding. This is the reason why you are resisting the change. Can’t give up dessert? The sweet craving after dinner is deliciously divine. Avoiding jogging? Oh, who wants the pain when it is so much easier to sit on the couch and watch Netflix.

Once you’ve written down the why you can find alternative ways to get the same result or at least some good-enough options. You may have to summon your creative instincts to find the best alternatives, and you may need to take help from the google gurus, but remember, there is always an alternative.

The sweet craving after dinner is a widespread problem, and no amount of nagging will make you stop reaching for a scoop of ice-cream or a piece of chocolate cake. Digestion uses a lot of energy, and your body craves an energy spike after a heavy meal. Also, there is the psychological conditioning of ending a meal with something sweet. Your mother made you eat your vegetables by promising dessert, and the waiter at the restaurant brings you the dessert menu with the biggest smile possible.

What’s the solution? You’ve to go on a personal expedition to search for some replacements of dessert that work for you. Don’t beat yourself up if you pick a sugar-loaded slice once in a while. As long as you are 80% of the way, give yourself a high-five. I usually pick something from my herbal tea collection and have it with a dash of lemon and honey. Occasionally, I just give in to the chocolate doughnut.

Avoiding pain is much more challenging. You may find that the best alternative to jogging is a stationary bike in front of the TV. For a while, you’ll enjoy Netflix while exercising, but soon you’ll end up choosing the couch more often than the bike. You’ll need to trick your mind using step 3.

Step 3: Action affirmations

We have all heard that affirming the outcomes we want would get us there. This is often easier said than done. You want to lose weight, and you try the affirmation, “Every day, my body is getting slimmer and healthier”. Your mind goes — you’re delusional, the bathroom scale is actually going up, it’s not working.

“Affirming your actions instead of the outcome puts you in the driver’s seat.” - Prof. Sreekumar Rao

There is a more effective way. Instead of affirming the outcome, we need to affirm the action. Instead of saying, we are getting healthier, we can say “Every day, I exercise for 15 minutes”.

Why is this more effective? Because this is something in your control. Repeating this over and over throughout the day tricks our mind into believing that we can do it. Remember that this has to be in the present tense, as our minds work better with specific instructions compared to neutral or vague words like maybe, later or tomorrow.

Go back to your nagging list and for each item, note down an action you’ll take to achieve the result you want. To give up dessert, add the action, “Every day, I make herbal tea after dinner”. Whenever you see or think about something sweet, repeat the affirmation to yourself. You may want to add this to your computer wallpaper or set a reminder on your phone. Take one or two items at a time and run with it for a week, or until you’ve changed your habits.

Try this three-step process, and you’ll make progress. You’ll not become nagging free, and anyway, the goal is not to attain perfection. On the other hand, progress and growth are worth reaching for, every day.

Summary

1. Make a nagging list — what do you often nag yourself about
2. Find the “why” — the pain or gain stopping you from making the change
3. Action affirmation — I am ______(fill action here) every day