Stop Forcing Your Kids On A Path To Conformity

Leave your children alone

I am sure everyone out there had to do something they didn’t want to do at some point in their lives. Many of you are probably doing it right now: working jobs you don’t like, staying in relationships you don’t want to be in, doing classes in subjects you have no interest in.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why?

Why is it so common in our society to proceed in life with things we clearly don’t want to do?

While the answer to this question has many layers, I would argue that the origins of our utter preoccupation with the conventional begin in our families.

They begin with our parents.

I don’t have kids of my own yet, but if you are a parent, I ask that you aren’t quick to dismiss my words as coming from someone who “doesn’t know what she’s talking about” because “wait until you have kids, and then you’ll know.” As a matter of fact, I say you listen to what I have to say very carefully, because, as someone raised by a controlling, narcissistic mother, I can tell you from personal experience how a parent’s I-know-what’s-best-for-you attitude can ruin you.

I say you listen to me because, as a parent, you have a responsibility to your children to not only raise and provide for them but also not to break them. It’s just like Hippocrates said: “Do no harm.”

Look, I know most parents out there do want what’s best for their children. I know my mother, despite all of her issues, wanted best for me. The problem is, however, that most parents out there confuse what’s best for their children with what’s best for themselves. They view their kids through the lens of their own expectations, which, in turn, have been shaped by the expectations of their own parents and society that they have grown to conform to over their lifetimes. So they do the only thing they know and impose the same heavy weight of social expectations upon their children.

From an early age, we are subjected endlessly to comparisons with other kids who are more diligent, successful, obedient than we are, and are taught that there is a particular set of rules we must follow to become successful. We are led to believe that the primary indicator of our success is how well we keep up with the Joneses. We are brainwashed into focusing outward instead of looking inward.

And is it shocking then that 85% of people in America hate their jobs?

This needs to stop. And the power to do it lies with the parents. Whether you have children of your own or not yet, the most important thing you need to remember is that your children are not you.

Let me say that again. Your children are not you. Nor are they ever meant to become you, behave like you, or believe the things that you believe. They don’t have to be the best because you want to be the parent of a child that’s the best.

Stop forcing your children to conform.

A Lifetime of Broken Pencils

When I was 7, my mother enrolled me in a music school. I had to attend it concurrently with regular school, and the curriculum included things like piano lessons, solfeggio, music literature, and choir.

I hated it.

Music classes alone took up about 8 hours a week and consumed most of my free time, and when I wasn’t in class, I had to practice the piano at home. I came home after school around 3 or 4 pm, had a meal, and the rest of my day was spent either doing homework or music.

The music school program was comprehensive and took seven years to complete. I didn’t graduate until I was 14. When I was younger, having no free time may have been less noticeable, but as I entered my early teens, the aspect of socialization and fitting in with my peers became critical. Unfortunately, because of all of my commitments, I wasn’t able to spend as much time with my friends as I would like; while my schoolmates enjoyed playing outside, I was stuck at home practicing the right way to hold my wrists over the keyboard.

Playing the piano irritated me so much that I would get furious if I made a mistake and had to start the piece all over. The urge I’d get was to hit the keyboard, so to avoid damaging the instrument, I came up with the idea of keeping a bunch of wooden pencils next to me. Whenever I made a mistake and got upset, I broke a few pencils to release the anger.

How’s that for anger management?

Would you want to be engaged in something that makes you so angry that you have to break pencils to keep it cool? Then why the hell do you make your kids go through that?

Why do you force them through a lifetime of broken pencils?

I pleaded with my mom to let me drop out, but she wouldn’t let me. She said I had to finish it since I started. See, she had this mentality that if you start something, you absolutely must finish it, even if you hate it. But I could never understand exactly why. Besides, what about things that do not necessarily have an explicit end date, like, you know, a career?

Now, after 20 years of growing up, self-searching, and reflecting, I finally understand. She just couldn’t bear the thought that I would do something not “by the book” because it would make her feel inadequate. My mother spent her entire life doing things she hated that she never had the gut to ditch. Herself raised by a narcissistic mother, she was forced in the box of self-imposed standards and responsibilities, and she spent most of her life thinking that’s the only way it can be. So she expected the same of me.

She thought you must stick with things, even if you hate them because that’s what society demands of you. So she did.

And so did I.

I kept following this path to conformity, driven by the idea of success. I loved writing and reading but ended up pursuing and obtaining a college degree in Economics. The degree itself was pretty useless because it didn’t really give me any practical skills, but my mother was exhilarated because now she could brag to all her friends and post all over social media what a proud mom she is.

I ended up landing a nice cushy job in finance upon graduation, and since then have been promoted three times because of my dysfunctional, unhealthy obsession with over-achievement. I identified with my external success to the point that if someone didn’t take their responsibilities as seriously as I did, I judged them fiercely for it, even though it was more about me than it was about them.

I even wrote a whole piece exploring that, where I said:

I was raised to be an over-achiever. Since childhood, I have been in constant pursuit of credentials and titles to decorate myself with because I never felt like being who I am was enough; I felt like I had to earn the love of others by collecting accomplishments, and excelling at my job meant getting approval that I so desperately needed. My self-esteem depended on it. Consequently, I was terrified of making a mistake, and even the slightest oversight caused me to tumble into an abyss of self-doubt, self-deprecation, and guilt.

Secretly, I didn’t actually like my job — it’s an intellectually stimulating, cushy job in an esteemed, well-compensated field. However, I got into it for all the wrong reasons, none of which included a genuine interest and emotional engagement. I was really good at it, but my effort wasn’t driven by passion; it was primarily motivated by the boost to my self-worth that my success entailed.

For years, I have been frustrated with my life, but I was no longer getting angry or irate. There were no more pencils to break. For years, I have been in this lethargic state of complacency to help myself manage my anxiety, the source of which I couldn’t identify. Until one day, I could.

So next time you think about using your child as a tool for your self-actualization and confining them to the box of your expectations, I beg you: please reconsider.

So What Can You Do?

No matter what baggage you have accumulated and carried throughout your lifetime, you have no right to make your children carry it with you.

It may sound harsh, but as someone who has experienced the consequences of this burden, I believe that saying this is my prerogative. This type of upbringing leaves scars that, for many of us, never go away.

So what can you do to be a more empathetic and kind parent for your children?

Ask them what they want and don’t suppress them.

The more one is deprived of the opportunity to express their desires freely and is forced to subdue them, the more he will lose touch with them over time. The sad result of it is a whole generation of people who don’t know what they want and how to figure it out.

If you spend long enough doing things out of social obligation, expectation, or just because someone told you to do them, you will lose yourself over time. You will become a robot that does what he’s told and goes with the flow. It’s a lethargic state in which you lose control over your life. Until one day, you wake up in the morning, look around, and don’t recognize yourself anymore. But at that point, you can no longer tell the difference between the things in your life that you genuinely want to be there and those that ended up there for external reasons.

Therefore, make sure you always ask your kids what they want to do.

Does your son want to attend that soccer practice, or are you making him because you want him to be athletic?

Does your daughter want to attend these art classes, or you insist she does because “she’s so talented”?

Ask them what they want to do and let them make that choice for themselves. That also applies to when they grow older and start exploring where they want to go to college (if at all!) and what they want to do with their lives. Give them the freedom to decide. Guide them, share your experience, but don’t impose your will on them. They will fail and make mistakes, no doubt, but this experience will allow them to learn and grow to become better people.

Don’t criticize, don’t judge, unless you want your kid to shut down and never share anything with you again (been there, done that). Validate their wishes, encourage their passions, even if you disagree with them. Remember, it’s their life, not yours.

At the end of the day, all of us want validation and acceptance from our loved ones. The path to happiness is the path of our true desires, and having the opportunity to discover it is the greatest gift a child can ask for.