Summary

The article emphasizes the importance of not pressuring loved ones to change, advocating for understanding and trust in their personal journeys.

Abstract

The article discusses the common tendency to push loved ones towards change, often with good intentions but potentially damaging consequences for relationships. It suggests that such pressure, whether for personal improvement, health, or success, can lead to frustration and resentment. Instead, the author proposes stepping back and recognizing that people will only change when they are ready, a concept illustrated by the phrase "When the student is ready, the teacher arrives." The article encourages empathy, understanding that everyone has their own timing for personal growth, and trusting that individuals will act upon advice when it aligns with their readiness to change. By giving space and trust, we foster an environment where loved ones can thrive on their own terms.

Opinions

Pushing loved ones to change can be counterproductive and strain relationships.
People are more likely to act on advice when they are personally ready, not necessarily when others think they should be.
The concept of "perfect timing" suggests that personal change and achievements often occur at the right moment for the individual.
Self-reflection is important; recognizing our own shortcomings can lead to greater empathy for others' struggles.
Trust is fundamental in allowing loved ones the space to grow and make decisions in their own time.
Giving loved ones the freedom to make their own choices can be the catalyst they need to start their journey of change.

Stop Forcing Those You Love to Change

And watch them soar.

We push. We push. And then we push some more. We’re all guilty of doing it. Although our actions often stem from good intentions, they could wreck our relationships. We all want to see our loved ones being successful, fit, healthy and maximising their potential. And when they aren’t, we repeatedly remind them of why and how they should be improving themselves.

Whether it’s endlessly asking someone to join a gym, take extra classes, update their fashion sense or to ditch hanging out with that one person that just makes us tick, we’re like the ever so annoying iPhone alarm that just doesn’t stop ringing.

And what happens when our incessant badgering inevitably pushes the other person over the edge? They’ll take a stand and demand you back off. And for most people, doing that isn’t easy. It’s the product of months, sometimes even years, of pent up frustrations.

Relationships, like trust, are made of glass. Cross that line and shatter them once — and you can never go back.

If we are to stop pushing people away, we need to take a step back. We need to understand. To step into their shoes, as the saying goes. It’s a question of ‘readiness’. I first heard the following during an episode of the Not Overthinking podcast. It’s truly life changing.

‘When the student is ready, the teacher arrives.’

What it means is this. You can try drilling your advice into someone’s head and yet, if they’re not ready, they’re not going to act on it. You may now be wondering as to what I mean by ‘ready.’ Is it when they stop being lazy? When they stop procrastinating? No. It simply means they’ll get to it when the time is right.

In our lives, everything seems to have an appointed time — ‘perfect timing’, as some would say. Whether it was a specific blog post that led to paying work or an interaction on the street that led to close friendship, everything happens when it’s supposed to happen. No matter how hard you try, you can’t land that dream job before it’s your time. And the truth is, we’ve all experienced this notion of things happening ‘when the time is right’ in our everyday lives but haven’t paid much attention to it.

I’ll give you an example. If you were ever overweight and have ended up losing weight, firstly, congratulations. Secondly, how many times did you try? I’d wager at least a few. With everything leading up to your final attempt being a failure. Not because what you were doing was wrong per se, but because you simply didn’t go all the way. Whether you felt it or not, whether you realised it or not, you weren’t ready. It wasn’t your time to lose weight.

Take me as another example. I made the decision to start writing around the beginning of this year. Want to guess when I published my first article? Around six months later. Because six months later was when ‘it was time.’

So when you give someone advice, no matter how well-intentioned, and irrespective of whether they agree with you, they won’t act upon it until they are ready. We too do the same.

Because, as humans, we often understand what we need to do and how we need to do it. It’s just that final step of taking action where we fall short. And then we give ourselves an excuse that’s as old as time itself— ‘I’ll start tomorrow.’ Why?

The answer is simple — we weren’t ready.

If we are to be able to step into someone’s shoes, it’s crucial that we learn to look at ourselves first. We must realise that we too fall short every now and then. That there are things that we too want to achieve but still haven’t done an iota of work for. We need to empathise.

If starting a new business is something that you’ve been putting off for months, then cut some slack to your friend who’s been doing the same with going to the gym.

By taking a step back, we’ll be creating more room for peace in both our lives and of those we care about.

And if you make a conscious effort to loosen your grip, they’ll notice. And appreciate you for it. They’ll appreciate that you understand that everyone is at a different point in their lives and that everyone’s journey is different. Besides, we can never truly know what someone is going through — getting fitter may be the least of their concerns.

And who knows. It may be that the space you give them to come to their own conclusions and make their own decisions was just what they needed in order to start.

But in order to be able to give them that space, you have to trust.

Trust is a prerequisite for everything mentioned above — whether empathy, taking a back seat or understanding. It’s the pillar that this entire exercise stands on. You must trust that the other person is smart enough to understand the importance of what you’re saying and why you’re saying it. You have to trust that saying it a few times is enough.

Trust that, when their time comes, it’ll be your advice that rings in their ears and propels them on their journey to achieving their hopes and dreams.

Trust.