Stop Chasing After Your Idea of Someone

One of the most common complaints I see in dating is this one

One of the most common complaints I see in dating is this one.

You guys started dating and it was all going fine. You were into them and they were into you. A few dates down the line and your feelings start to deepen, but as they do, you feel them begin to drift away. They’re not returning texts as often as they use to, are reluctant to hang out, and you feel as if you’ve gone from a priority to “I’ll see you — if I’ve got nothing better to do.”

You’re pretty bummed out — and understandably, there was reason to be hopeful there. Things were so great at the start, right? Despite this blatant awareness that their interest is dwindling, you hang on. They take 6 hours to text back, testing your sanity in the process, but the moment they do all is forgiven. You text back instantly.

Anyone within distance is able to see you’re disgruntled, and you vent to the ones who care enough to listen. They reaffirm your hunch, “They’re probably not that into you” but they may as well be talking to a wall because you continue to chase. Eventually, they drift away or tell you they’re disinterested, and the reality that you clung to for so long hits you like a tone of bricks.

How many of us have been there before? I’m not ashamed to say that was a common thread in my dating life once upon a time. It’s a paralyzing space to find yourself in — caught between someone’s disinterest and your own hope of what it could be. Reality seems to stare us in the face, and yet we still cling on.

What gives? Why does this trend occur and how can we stop it?

When Fantasy Overrides Reality

There has to be something more at play here. If we were to take the person’s actions as being indicative of their motives — which should always be the case, we’d realize they’re just not that into us.

And yet, so many of us continue to chase long after a relationship has overgone its expiry date. Everyone else can see it, why can’t we?

The answer lies in our attachment to fantasy. How aware we are of our own misalignment with what is actually going on in front of us. A common complaint that people will often say in this is that “They were so great at the start” and therein lies our problem.

We’re clinging to an image of an individual who does not exist anymore — not at least with us. In dating, we’re getting to know someone and in that, people unfold before us. Who someone is now can differ entirely from the person we met a week or a few months back. This begs an important question on how early we attach ourselves to someone’s apparent identity.

Premature Attachments

There may be several reasons we attach too soon in relationships. The key one is an anxious attachment style — the result of low self-worth, lack of independence, and a need for validation.

It was a difficult day when I realized these characteristics had been ruling my own premature attachments in relationships. I so desperately wanted to feel like I was chosen, that the moment someone showed a glimmer of interest, I was hooked.

The very same desire to feel loved keeps us hanging on long after we should as we were given a taste of what validation felt like, and it was taken away. Many of us then revert to our mind and what that person use to be like as a means to keep the attachment alive.

An interesting note about our brain is that it’s unable to distinguish our own imagination from reality. We can fantasize and remind ourselves of how someone used to be like as a means to feeling good even when they’ve lost interest. We can then trick ourselves into believing they are a source of something good even when reality says otherwise.

On that note, let’s talk about how to break free from the chains of our fantasies.

Paying Attention To What Reality Is Showing Us

They haven’t messaged you all week? They’re not interested.

They’re not respecting your boundaries? Not interested.

They’ve told you they’re not sure what they want but are happy acting as if you are something? They’re not that interested.

When we disengage from our hopes to be chosen, we begin seeing people for who they truly are — not who we wish them to be. If someone is consistently making you feel unworthy and insecure, stop trying to rationalize it with hopes, dreams, and previous memories of how they acted before. If they wanted to treat you right, they would.

Stop making excuses for people who don’t make them for themselves.

This is obviously easier said than done because underlying our hopes for more are likely issues around self-worth, a fear of abandonment, and trauma, but chasing after people who are clearly disinterested is not going to solve those problems — it’s going to make them worse.

Healing won’t be found in chaos, it’ll be found with emotionally available individuals in healthy relationships.

This begins with us taking responsibility over who we’re choosing to spend our time around and who we’re not. Someone showing clear signs of disinterest is not likely to be that person.

Thank you for reading this article. I appreciate the support so give this article a few *claps* if you enjoyed it and follow Above The Middle for more like this. If you want to keep reading, here are some related articles for you to check out.