Stop Asking Your Dates This Useless Question If You Want Your Dream Relationship
Remember that you don’t train people to become your dream partner.
The other day my friend messaged me and asked, “How should I answer this question?”
She sent me a screenshot of her text messages with a guy on Hinge. The dude had asked her one of the most common questions in the history of modern dating:
“What are you looking for in a guy?”
Ah, this one.
With limited relationship success, my friend struggled to craft the perfect answer. She didn’t want to make the same mistake in the past: saying vague things and ending up with someone who was completely wrong for her.
This time, she wanted to be crystal clear about her checklist so there would be no confusion about the type of men she allowed in her life. She wanted to be an empowered woman who knew exactly what she was looking for.
All makes sense, right? So I smiled and calmly replied to her.
“Dodge that question. Or, give him any answer you like. It doesn’t matter.”
“What?” She was perplexed. “Why?”
I continued.
“Sure, knowing exactly what you want is indeed very crucial. But telling someone what you’re looking for is not necessarily going to solve your dating problems.”
Okay. Let me explain it to you.
I’m sure if you have ever put yourself out there in the dating world, you either have heard some variation of this question or asked it yourself.
“What are you looking for in a partner?”
“What are you looking for on this app?”
“What are you looking for in your next relationship?”
And so on.
In an ideal world, you ask these questions and people will give you an honest, authentic answer that will help you instantly determine whether they’re a good match for you till the end of time.
Do you see the loophole yet?
Well, in reality, most people 1) have limited knowledge of themselves, 2) don’t say what they truly think, or 3) only tell you what you want to hear.
Either way, their answers are likely not reliable or useful. Basically, it’s a waste of time.
On the other hand, if someone asks you those questions and you give them an answer, it won’t suddenly make them be your dream partner or get out of your way just because your answer doesn’t suit them.
In some cases, it’s the opposite.
Your answer could make it easy for them to show you exactly what you want to hear and see but not necessarily who they really are. On the more extreme side, they might put up an act for as long as required so they could get what they want from you, leaving you high and dry.
Adopt this dating strategy
Now, let me go back to the point where I said it’s crucial to know exactly what you want.
Yes. When you date, you need to know exactly what you want — down to the specifics. When someone asks you that same old boring question “What are you looking for in a guy?”, you should have a long list of things that meet your boundaries and standards — in detail.
But you don’t have to tell anyone that. Or rather, telling is not enough.
You should show your values, standards, and boundaries in action.
For example, if you want someone who is consistent and reliable, first, you make sure you embody and portray these qualities to set your standards right from the get-go.
If you don’t give your dates too many ideas about your ideal partner, they will have to stick to what they know best which is being themselves.
If they act unreliably, there, you have it.
Now, the mistake people often make is to get upset or make excuses for their dates. It shows them that you hold them up to a level of expectations, but there shouldn’t be any expectations at this point.
It’s the stage where you get to know someone new and decide whether they’re right for you. In this instance, their unreliability doesn’t meet your standards so you disqualify them and you move on. No fuss.
The same goes for other dating goals you might have.
If you’re looking for a serious relationship, act like someone who is looking for a serious relationship and have the same standards for your date. If your date fails to meet them, they’re not right for you.
There’s no need to ask “What are you looking for?”. In fact, if you’re truly compatible and have solid conversations with each other, you wouldn’t even have time to entertain this question, you just get on with the relationship.
Besides, there are better questions to ask to similarly gauge compatibility such as:
- “Where do you see yourself in the next couple of years?”
- “What’s your view on commitment in relationships?”
- “What’s your view on marriage and children?”, etc.
You could start by sharing some personal stories about yourself or people in your life to make the conversation naturally flowing.
The bottom line is…
You can ask and say whatever you want to your dates — by all means, be authentic and enjoy yourself — but, at the end of the day, remember that you don’t train people to become your dream partner.
You find people who already have the core qualities of your dream partner and you get together with them, building a healthy, happy relationship together.