Stop and Ask: Am I really ready to have a conversation about abortion?

Contrary to what you may be thinking, this article is not whether or not you know the talking points for and against Roe v. Wade and whether or not the Alabama law and others on the way are constitutional or not. This isn’t about whether life begins at conception or any point after. This isn’t about whether or not you are pro-life or pro-choice and tactics on how you win an argument for either side. This is about interrogating our hearts and minds to know if we are capable of being kind, honorable and loving to those who agree with us as well as those who disagree or are undecided and inconsistent.

As the temperature around the abortion debate rises, I reflected this week not on the arguments of “both sides” to see if anything new had emerged or if leaders I respect had “evolved” on the issue. This past week I looked back on my treatment, perspective and viewpoint of women; and how I see myself as a man. I realized I was conditioned to do 4 things: objectify, vilify/prize, and ultimately classify the women around me into categories — good or bad, pure or tainted, loose or prudish, wifey material or not, and the list continues; and all of these are dehumanizing and demeaning to those around me. And if I don’t want anyone to do that to my daughter I probably need to repent and confess the ways that I’ve done just that to the daughters of others.

In response to these four things — the reality that I objectify, villify/prize, and classify the women around me — I needed to lament the suffering, pain and struggles of my wife, my daughter, and women who wrestle with a world in many ways that is set up to subjugate and control them, not empower, encourage, edify and embolden.

No matter how sad the reality of miscarriage is to me, it it totally different have that happen within my body. And that’s a reality I will never fully grasp or understand. That is a limit of my manhood and beyond the boundaries of my gendered identity.

I have to confess where I am ignorant, complicit and willingly participate in the dehumanization of my sisters. And every time I reduce a woman to what she has done, what happened to her, how she looks, or what she believes I am making her less than the image of God. Thank God for His grace and forgiveness and the grace and forgiveness of my wife and the women around me.

I want to stop there — at lament and confession — and most men stop there; and we are praised for it — especially men. And to the detriment of ourselves and the women before us sadly this is where we then “give our position”, “make our case”, and “state our opinion” often uninformed by the compassion and empathy that we just practiced because “I can’t trust my emotions”. I have done this many times and have seen that if I am trying to win an argument, I can’t fight for the relationship. In the same way that Jesus had more for me, I think He has more for us.

I have to repent or actually turn to learn, love and live differently. And that might take some time because I have been conditioned to live this way for 30+ years. It is familiar for me to classify women based on their physical appearance. It was normal, even socially acceptable to judge and ostracize women for that they did, believed and suffered. It was normal for me to appease or argue, not to lovingly engage, love sincerely and sit in the tension. I must acknowledge that I don’t know how to do that and I need to learn.

With these things at the forefront, I seek reconciliation between myself and God. I receive forgiveness from Him and live and love my sisters and brothers through words and actions in light of that Love, Grace and Truth.

That was what I believe I did walking with one young woman through her unplanned pregnancy; and ultimately to adoption. Because at the end it wasn’t the power of my position or my persuasion that caused her to choose not to abort her child but it was presence along with the reality that she would still be welcome in my home if she aborted her child. She would not be ostracized or looked down upon if she terminated her pregnancy. She would be loved not because we hold the same opinion but because we are both image bearers of the same mighty God.

I pray that if you’re reading this post and you find it necessary to post your position about being pro-life or pro-choice, you would refrain. Because again, this is not about winning an argument but fighting for relationship. And I promise you that if a man or woman is considering ending the life of their child they are well aware of your opinion and perspective already.

My sincere longing is that before we engage with one another around abortion (or any emotionally charged, controversial issue which is all of them to someone) that our engagement with one another is just that — engagement. Not a hurling of verbal artillery online, talking points borrowed from an email or website in person, or an unwillingness in person or online to be wrong.

Would we be people willing to lament, confess, repent and seek reconciliation prior to conversing with those we may encounter because the image of God they bear makes them worth the time and energy to be loved. Practically, this looks like asking ourselves if we are resistant to correction and unwilling to learn. Because if that’s the case it’s going to be hard to love a neighbor we believe we can’t learn from. Next, if this is more about feeling heard, getting our point across, or winning, our narcissism and self-centeredness is going to undercut any efforts we put into genuine connection. Lastly, even with pursuing humility and centering the story of the one we are with, if we unwilling and unable to slow down and reflect before clapping back, then it’s best to just be quiet. Pride, narcissism and hurry have no place in a biblical pursuit of shalom and justice. So if I don’t post an article, petition, call-in, or protest for whatever position — if you are a follower of Jesus — there is nothing in this world that can happen that will stop His kingdom from coming in full, in every corner of the universe.

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