Stop Accepting These 7 Behaviors (From Yourself)

Ditch these negative habits for even higher confidence.

Signs of true self worth aren’t just seen in the things that you do, but sometimes, the things that you don’t do.

It’s easy to get caught up in reactive behaviors or mindsets when we are flooded with stimuli every single day. We’re scrolling through social media, becoming frustrated with a work deadline, having a disagreement in our personal lives — and before we know it, our mind is running away from us.

We start questioning ourselves, doubting our abilities, losing sight of the things that matter, constantly feeling a sense of dissatisfaction or inadequacy.

All of these things, of course, take a toll on our level of self-worth and confidence over time.

To develop true confidence, then, there are some behaviors we need to squash and reclaim control over.

Certain behaviors that truly confident people simply refuse to accept (from themselves).

Are they confident because they don’t accept these behaviors, or do they not accept these behaviors because they’re confident? The reason doesn’t matter, but the result does.

Let’s explore:

1: They don’t focus on things outside of their control.

If you know me in real life, you know that I am a pretty calm and even-tempered person. Very rarely do I appear as worked up, stressed, or [visibly] overwhelmed.

Now, of course, being a human like everyone else, I experience all of the same internal struggles and conflicts, but I’ve learned over the years to only freak out when there’s something worth freaking out over.

If something is outside of my control, I need to learn to accept it whether I like it or not. I can do my absolute best to influence the circumstances in my favor, but with the understanding that the outcome may not be what I desired.

This means being confident enough to know you can win, but humble enough to understand you might lose.

Letting go of things that you can’t control will help you minimize stress and anxiety, practice acceptance, and seek out more proactive and positive solutions, rather than wasting all of your time and energy dwelling on something that isn’t going to change anyway.

2: They don’t chase after external validation.

We all know deep down that true confidence comes from within. Regardless, though, it’s easy to forget. The dopamine hits that our brain receives when we get a new like, comment, follower, compliment, or 5-star-review online are real. They are very tempting to chase after, and make us feel good in the moment.

No amount of external validation, though, can fill a hole that exists within us.

That hole can only be filled at the source — in our heart and mind.

True confidence and self worth are up to one’s self, hence the name.

Chasing after this validation puts us at the mercy of other people’s opinions.

We ask ourselves what looks best instead of what feels best.

We make decisions based on what we think other people want rather than what aligns with our own values and beliefs. Hell, we might not even know what those are.

We may even get pulled so far off track that we end up living a life that society chooses for us, rather than one that we chose for ourselves.

True confidence, though, has the courage to be clear on what it really wants and needs, and then pursue it relentlessly. It sets goals, understands its purpose, lives within its values…

And most of all…doesn’t apologize for it if someone else doesn’t understand. It’s your life that you’re living, not anyone else’s.

3: They don’t get controlled by fear.

First of all — fear is real. Don’t let anyone tell you that they never experience fear. Feeling it is not a weakness. In fact, fear is a necessary piece of survival…if our species had never been afraid of anything, we’d have gone extinct a long time ago.

Fear is what prevented us from fighting the bear, from being cautious at night in the wilderness, from eating that strangely colored berry…

However, being controlled by fear is a lot different than learning from it and adjusting accordingly.

We mustn’t allow ourselves to be paralyzed by the thought of risk, or challenges, or stepping outside of our comfort zone.

We can learn from fear, we can overcome fear, and we can use it to our advantage. We can recognize when others are fearful and take action in that moment for a competitive advantage. Conversely, we can pump the brakes when others are being reckless if we can recognize something that they don’t.

Fear can be used as a co-pilot in our lives if we are willing to recognize and acknowledge it. We just must be careful to never let it take the driver’s seat away from us.

4: They don’t blame other people for their own mistakes.

Do you know any great leaders who always pass the buck when a mistake is made?

No? I didn’t think so.

Great leaders and a true sign of confidence is being willing to take responsibility for the outcome of our own decisions.

Real confidence doesn’t place blame on others. It doesn’t avoid accountability. It is willing to make mistakes, recognize them, and then learn from them.

Real confidence knows that you can never learn from something by avoiding it. You must stare it in the face and see where things went wrong.

“But James, I know people who are always willing to take the credit when things go right, but not the blame when things go wrong. What’s up with that?”

The answer is simple — that’s called ego, not confidence. Those are two different things.

5: They don’t rely on destructive habits for comfort.

Important note: This point is not about addiction or medical conditions. Those are very real and I fully understand the power they have over people who are otherwise careful, intelligent, and thoughtful in their decisions.

This is about those of us who know that our coping mechanisms are unproductive or unhealthy and still choose to pursue them over better alternatives.

We indulge in our escapism rather than turning to more productive methods of coping that could actually solve the problem in front of us, rather than simply avoiding it or pretending that it doesn’t exist.

The problem isn’t going to solve itself, and when you return on Monday morning after trying to forget about it all weekend, it’s still going to be there waiting for you.

Comfort doesn’t overcome challenges. Proactivity does.

6: They don’t long for what “could’ve” been.

This is a very hard one to let go of, particularly when it comes to intimate relationships.

When we break up or lose a relationship, it’s not just the partner that we long after. It’s the life that we envisioned building with them, that seems to have suddenly disappeared.

As a result, we mourn the loss of the person, the future that wasn’t, the house that will never be, the family that will never exist…

And, those things will hold power over us until we recognize that they never truly existed outside of our own minds.

We are simply losing a vision of a life that was not real. Could it have been real? Yes, of course — but it wasn’t (yet).

The more time we spend pining after a lost future, the less time we have to create an even better one that will bring us years of happiness.

Growth happens by looking forward.

7: They don’t deny their true and authentic self.

The ultimate and unequivocal sign of confidence and self worth is living in full alignment with your true identity and purpose.

Those are two words that I tell all of my clients they’re going to hear me say a million times.

The identity we choose for ourselves dictates every decision we make on a daily basis. We are subconsciously asking “What do I do in this situation?” and the I in the question holds a deep internal narrative that chooses the answers.

This is an immensely difficult task because what is truly best for you might not be the socially popular decision. Nor might it be the one best for the largest number of people. But, it may be best for you, your family, or your loved one(s), and it’s going to take an act of courage to make that decision despite what everyone else thinks.

Confidence, though, makes that decision.

Your true authentic self leaves you with no other choice, because anything else would simply be out of alignment with who you are, and therefore is no longer a consideration.

The only option that truly confident people have is living as the person they are down in their core.

Not swayed by what’s “cool.”

Not influenced by what’s “controversial.”

Not thrown off track by what is “popular.”

Simply a clear and unapologetic set of values and beliefs dictated by a strong and unwavering identity.

When you get clear on who you are and what truly matters to you, you’ll have the courage and confidence to build a life in accordance with it. Everything else will fall into place from there.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.