Forever Alone
Signs Your Friend Is From the Stone Age
Beware the time traveler
If he’s allergic to anything technological, odds are your friend Bob has teleported from the Stone Age.
Good Ol’ Bob
Doesn’t have an alarm
Bob’s alarm clock is the sun. He brags about how optimal it is despite the four jobs he recently got laid off from.
Doesn’t take medicine
Bob is all about natural remedies. He brags about gargling with saltwater while his brown teeth say otherwise. He’ll avoid anything crunchier than a potato chip because his last three teeth are on the verge of extinction.
Works out at home
Bob has a home gym, but not the enviable kind. He once mustered the willpower to buy two plastic gallons of water instead of drinking from his backyard well, and he decided to fill them up with sand as his dumbbells.
Doesn’t drive at all
Bob’s most sophisticated transportation is his bicycle. Needless to say, he’s never left his hometown of Tallahassee.
The latest you can dine out with him is 4 PM because he has to factor in the two hours it takes to get home, which is a whopping 13.7 miles away.
Still gives dad directions
Bob would rather spend an entire 15 minute trip giving you directions in spite of your gorgeous GPS. In reality, you wouldn’t mind driving an extra five minutes with a faulty GPS instead of taking a turn-right-turn-left ear beating.
Took ages to buy a phone
Bob was a firm believer that letters and face-to-face meetings are better. When he finally gave in, he got the Nokia 8110 from The Matrix.
Doesn’t own an HDTV
Bob has an old box TV. He keeps talking about how he wishes Narcos was on TV instead of Noteflix.
Yep, that’s what he calls it.
He has enslaved himself to the randomness of TV’s tyrannical spew of shows, movies, and commercials and complains about how there’s nothing to watch. When something good is on, he’s usually sorting through his bills.
That’s right. He has no interest in automatic billing. He sifts through bill by bill and dedicates an entire day to visit all of his utility providers. They know him by first and last name. Hey, at least he doesn’t have to pay for electricity because his place is lit by candles, and he charges his phone at the YMCA.
Doesn’t have a bank account
Bob believes banks are the devil. He stores all of his wealth in cash under his bed. Despite getting robbed twice, the only lesson he learned was to hide his cash in a trash bag — under his bed.
Bob’s most prized asset is his record player, though only one of his records has outlasted the years, and just like his banter about his optimal life, it’s a broken record.
Doesn’t order anything online
Bob would rather get a subpar product by going to a store. He sometimes loses money doing so, whether it’s a bad deal or a long bike ride.
Doesn’t need a computer
Bob gets all of his work done by hand, and he gets his knowledge from word of mouth. You got used to him talking about early 2000s news like it happened yesterday.
No matter how hard you try to convince Bob there’s nothing optimal about his life, you can’t help but love him when you overlook his obvious flaws and enjoy his unique company, smartphone free.