Stoicism is Killing Middle-Aged Men

Males are often told to ‘suck it up’, and now we’re paying the price

Ask yourself this question, regardless of how you identify: What is the perfect man? Is it one who is brave in the face of danger, unwavering in the wake of tragedy? It is someone who shows only love to family, doesn’t complain much, definitely doesn’t cry, and works hard to make ends meet?

I can almost see the poster of this stoic stud, in overalls and no shirt, holding the sledgehammer over his sweaty, muscular shoulder. While I can understand why this is ideal to the world (there’s nothing wrong with being physically strong and good with tools), it’s not what most men really are. We are not made of solid granite with a shallow pool of emotions.

Well, perhaps some men are. But not me, or most guys I know. That doesn’t mean they’re not tough, it just means they’re real.

Raised by a toughened generation

You see, us Gen-Xers were raised by Boomers. The parents of Boomers lived through the Great Depression, and many fought in the war. They had to learn to live with rations, and worked through illnesses to keep their families afloat. They expected their male sons to be much like them, despite not facing the same hardships post-war.

I don’t consider myself as stoic as my dad, or even my late older brother, but I probably am. I remember feeling strangely calm inside when my grandmother died when I was 14. I was very close to her. When my mom told me the bad news, no tears came to my eyes. In fact, I don’t remember saying anything. “It’s okay to cry, y’know,” I remember my mom saying. I also remember thinking it was weird that I wasn’t sad.

On one hand, you can have respect for men who are “men.” As in, tough inside and out, doesn’t let much get to them, in control of their own emotions. But while that satisfies society’s expectations of men, is it serving men to act this way?

Being expressive is the new strong

Younger men in particular who show sensitivity are sometimes called “snowflakes,” apparently to poke fun at them being human after all. But here’s what I think: Millennials and Gen-Zers aren’t any less resilient than us older Gen-Xers and Boomers. They have just been allowed to express their emotions more openly.

There were times when I was a younger man that I longed to empty my emotional load through my tears. Even in recent years I’ve wanted this. But I can’t even make myself cry when I try. It’s not because I’m a cold person — it’s because I modeled myself after the older men in my life that “sucked it up” and carried on. No one wanted to hear a whiny dude, women included.

Now, more expressive men are getting some of the credit they deserve as multi-dimensional humans. That’s because men are multi-dimensional. Most of us are not the stereotypical muscle man with the sledgehammer (okay, maybe I’m jealous.) Most men are actually quite vulnerable, and also need acceptance and validation. We get hurt when people mock us or dismiss us, even if we laugh it off externally.

Real pitfalls of holding in emotions

Like I was saying, men experience the full gamut of human emotions just as women do. We have just learned to mask our reaction to it more. We don’t shed tears when we’re sad — but we often also don’t express love and affection when we should. While that makes us feel in control on the outside, it’s slowly killing us inside.

There is some research to back this up — I’m not just pulling from my own beliefs. Studies in the past decade or so have suggested that bottling emotions is bad for long-term physical and mental well-being. One study in particular found that “bottling” emotions raises risk of an early death by 30%. It also increases risk of developing cancer by 70%.

The research is generally not specific to gender. So, technically a woman who holds in her emotions carries the same risks as a man. However, I think it’s fair to say that women are much more open about how they’re feeling, and are willing to talk about it — whether it’s with family, friends, or a therapist. Guys tend to sleepwalk through depression, not admitting there’s anything wrong, even when it becomes plainly obvious there is. (How many men refuse to go to a doctor when something is bothering them, claiming they don’t need it or don’t have time? That’s some toxic stoicism there.)

It’s no big surprise then that men are also four times more likely to commit suicide than women. Women apparently think about ending their lives more often, but men follow through more frequently. The biggest demographic for suicide is — also not surprisingly — among middle-aged white men, who comprised 70% of self-inflicted deaths in 2017 alone.

Those men who choose not to vent their feelings inevitably end up dealing with them in other ways, not all of them healthy. For example, substance abuse among Gen-Xers is on the rise, with weed and opioid use spiking among this age group in the past decade.

But why? Why are so many middle-aged men now succumbing to depression and suicide? The answer, in my opinion, is an unwillingness — or an inability — to adapt to modern times.

Middle-aged men need to adapt

By this, I don’t mean Gen-Xers aren’t texting and using social media. I’m talking about how they act socially. While boys are (hopefully) now being raised to be respectful of others, especially women, that was not always the case when my generation was younger. We were taught to be entitled. That’s no longer working for some of the men who followed this mantra back in the day, so they become lost and alone.

At the same time, they may be losing job opportunities to younger, hipper and more tuned in people, which also drives down their sense of self-worth. I know that personally, I have been dumped as a freelancer without much reason in favor of a younger, fresher face. I get it, but it still feels bad.

I’m not asking that anyone pity middle-aged men. We are not entitled to anything, and we need to earn our wins like anyone else. What I’m saying is that as society’s views and values are changing quite quickly, some of the men set in their ways are not changing with it. They still expect to win in love and careers without a lot of effort, based on what they were taught earlier in life. They get really depressed — and angry — when they realize that’s not always true.

Those are my own observations, not from a scientific textbook. But I really believe these are some of the core reasons why men my age are suffering. Except most won’t come out and tell you that, because of the whole stoicism thing.

Many would rather silently stew in their own misery, than talk about what’s bugging them. They don’t want to sound like they’re complaining, or seem weak, the latter their greatest fear in my opinion. So the cycle continues.

It’s not too late to re-examine yourself, Gen-X

One thing I know for sure from the past couple of years is that there are a lot of angry middle-aged men, fighting for stupid causes to distract from what’s really bothering them. These men either don’t have the ability or the awareness they need to adapt, and I’m not exactly sure what we should do about them.

I share similar feelings of many of my fellow male Gen-Xers, but the difference for me is that I at least attempt to identify and write about them (and occasionally open up to my wife and my close friends.)

That doesn’t cure my problems, but an honest conversation might go a long way to helping middle-aged men find comfort in their own expressiveness.