Still, Trying to Figure “It” Out?

First, get to the core of what this means for you.

What is this “it” that we’re trying to nail down and why is it such a moving target?

If you’re a young adult, you’re probably trying to figure out what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. If you’re about to retire, you’re probably trying to figure out what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. (Look, these generations do have something in common!)

And just when we think we’ve figured “it” out, the same feeling of unease comes creeping back in.

You finally land a much-coveted supervisor position at work, and less than a year into the role, you’re complaining to your partner about what a headache all your newfound responsibility is becoming.

You renovate the kitchen, and by next Thanksgiving, you’re already showing your guests samples of tile for the backsplash you’ll be putting up in the new year.

Sound familiar?

Why is it that the minute we manifest the very object of our desires, it suddenly becomes less desirable?

In his article “The Happiness Trap: Why You’re Never Satisfied and How to Break the Cycle”, Mike Fishbein explains this as Hedonic Adaptation. Also appropriately named the “Hedonic Treadmill”, it is a theory which shows that “…positive and negative events do have an impact on how we feel for short periods of time, but not over the long-term.” Turns out, we have a happiness set point and no matter what external events occur, we will eventually return to this baseline.

Call it ungratefulness, call it lack of perspective, call it capitalism, it just seems that our modern society is plagued with an itch we can’t scratch.

We can’t scratch the itch because our feelings are not aligning with what we imagined ourselves to feel once we achieved our goal. Once the initial excitement wears off, there is a feeling of incongruency which leaves us unsettled, like we’ve not yet arrived.

The cruel truth about how we live our lives is that we wait until someone has died to say they are now “resting in peace”.

So how do we figure “it” out when we can’t get off the Hedonic Treadmill? Perhaps the “it” that we are trying to figure out is really just a placeholder for “feeling at peace”. At any age, we can find ourselves beating our heads against the wall trying to crack the code on how to feel content with our life.

Though our versions of figuring “it” out may wildly differ from each other, we may have one thing in common. If you asked a group of strangers in a room to articulate exactly just what it is that they are trying to figure out, you wouldn’t hear so many concrete objectives as you would general descriptions about a desired state of being. At the root of figuring “it” out, is usually a feeling of peace that we are trying to attain.

If you were to ask that group of people to use one word to describe the feeling they were after, you would hear adjectives like “calm”, “secure”, “safe”, “whole”, “proud”, “happy”.

Perhaps there is a belief we carry that is preventing us from identifying with these feelings. The cruel truth about how we live our lives is that we wait until someone has died to say they are now “resting in peace”. We imply that peace is only something one can have when it’s too late.

What good is peace to me when I’m no longer walking on the earth?

Peace takes practice.

We seem to think that lasting peace, calm, and happiness are states reserved for only the most enlightened beings among us. In awe of their lightness, we come up with reasons as to how they’ve unlocked this higher level of contentment.

“Maybe they’re born that way.”

“Perhaps they’ve been put under a magic spell.”

“Whatever they’re on, I want one.”

How very modern of us to first arrive at the conclusion that they’re under the influence of magic spells or drugs, instead of the truth of what has really brought them here: practice.

As a reminder for anyone who needs to hear it: these enlightened people practice peace. Although there are many differences in the beliefs of monks, gurus, healers, etc., a common thread between them is that they follow the practice in the first place.

The good news is, it’s never too late to start practising and it does not require you to attend an expensive retreat or wear only white linen clothing. (Though personally, I’m a fan of a neutral ensemble.)

You already have the potential to access peace within yourself. In the words of the revered Thich Nhat Hanh; “Every one of us already has the seed of mindfulness. The practice is to cultivate it.”

Next time you feel that you just can’t figure “it” out, I encourage you to grab a sheet of paper and clearly identify your “it”. Ideally, you end up naming a feeling or two that is associated with how you will feel once you achieve “it”. You may even want to keep a journal for these reflections to gain clarity on any patterns that repeat.

Now, with these words as your guide, think of one activity you can do today that will bring you to that feeling. Even for a moment.

This activity can be as simple as spending an hour in your garden, turning off your phone, or finally leaving work on time so you can have dinner with your family.

As you make time for these moments of peace, you are accepting the present and stepping off the “treadmill”. You may eventually return to your baseline of happiness, but you’ve now proved that you have access to the peace you seek. Knowing this, you can worry less about finding it through external gratification, and focus more on practising micro-moments that cultivate it within yourself.

When you manage to build this practice into your daily life, congratulations.

You’ve figured “it” out.