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Abstract

s may scream. Your body odor will resemble that of a dead, rabid rat. Running is so amazing!”But what if we added a new twist to the sport? Football isn’t the same sport it was in 1936. Perhaps running should change too.I’m putting everything I own into marketing stiff-arm running as the sport of the future. I think it’s a worthwhile investment for my $0 in savings and$ 2k checking account balance. Stiff-arm running will bring new excitement to spectator running events.“What in the hell are you talking about?” you may ask.I can’t wait to tell you! Stiff-arm running consists of runners keeping their arms locked, straight at their sides. The sport injects humor and mockery into its soul. No other sport has met such unique goals — although curling comes close.<h2 id="bdd8">My history of running for sport</h2>No matter how much I run and what fitness level I attain, I can’t master the sport. I dread my first mile. My heart pounds in my ears, and my lungs shrivel up to the size of peas. Running kicks my ass.I quit signing up for 5 and 10ks when, after a dozen, I still had champions flicking their sweat on me. A hardcore runner would sprint past me with a patronizing yet encouraging, “You can do it! Don’t give up!” I thought about chucking my heart at their shins the next time they passed me, as it exploded from my chest.Oh! And, races allow runners to pay $25 for an ill-fitting, schwag t-shirt too. Why would anyone want to pass up such an offer?On top of the fun of races, running helps keep me in cardio and athletic shape. The endorphins produced during a run help stave off the worst bouts of depression. And trail-running, especially, allow

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s one to drink in the beauty of the natural world. I saw a unicorn and a Yeti on a trail once — I may have hallucinated both, though, as I pushed through a painful mile.But just as watching track events on TV can get boring, so can maintaining a consistent running schedule. Stiff-arm runs change the future of running — nay, the world — forever.<h2 id="5bb8">Fans and participants will flock to the sport</h2>The stiff-arm twist to running events will draw huge crowds of new spectators. Standing on the sidelines of a mountain road marathon doesn’t attract the throngs imagined. To hang out under a blazing sun with hopes of seeing an exhausted athlete pass by every five minutes — not as appealing as runners believe. Sports officials woo spectators with bands and parades, but the excitement wears off quickly.New, hardcore fans will flock to athletes who lumber with their arms glued to their sides. Stiff-arm running is the great equalizer. Every runner will look ridiculous. Spectators will remain riveted to the bleachers, roadsides, and television screens where stiff-arm runs take place.Those of us longing to increase our running endurance and cardio fitness often fear doing so in public. We worry we’ll look absurd. We worry what seasoned runners may think of us as we lumber on the track. Universal stiff-armed runs eradicate those fears. Usain Bolt will look as comical as your Uncle Bob on his first run since elementary school.I just sold my house, car, and all of my most expensive material items to launch the sport of the future’s marketing campaign. I’m practicing my stiff arm methods before going out for my run today. Look for the stiff arm run in the 2024 Summer Games!</article></body>

FEEBLE OLYMPIC HUMOR

Stiff Arm Running: Exciting Sport of the Future

This new technique will reinvigorate the sport

Imagine, if you will, elite runners who lock their arms like mummies. Athletes called to run in all sports, who keep their arms immobilized. Hilarity ensues, and the entertainment value of the sporting world will increase exponentially. Stiff-arm running can reign as the sport of the future.

“Holy crap, he’s so fast!” I proclaimed as I watched my first 2021 Olympic track event. My friends and I riveted ourselves to the television screen — for about two minutes. Our hearts raced, and we rooted for our favorite sprinting champion. By the time the third event aired, though, our eyes glazed over. Our commentary became repetitive, and we were bored.

“It only sucks for the first ten minutes!”

As an amateur runner, I feel gross if I don’t run five miles a few times per week. I try to convince non-running friends to come out for a light jog with me, and they resist. They waste all of their running potential on screaming as they sprint away from my offer.

And, my arguments can’t even sway me:

“It only sucks for the first ten minutes!”

“Once those endorphins kick in, you’ll feel good!”

“Dripping sweat may blind you, and your lungs may scream. Your body odor will resemble that of a dead, rabid rat. Running is so amazing!”

But what if we added a new twist to the sport? Football isn’t the same sport it was in 1936. Perhaps running should change too.

I’m putting everything I own into marketing stiff-arm running as the sport of the future. I think it’s a worthwhile investment for my $0 in savings and $2k checking account balance. Stiff-arm running will bring new excitement to spectator running events.

“What in the hell are you talking about?” you may ask.

I can’t wait to tell you! Stiff-arm running consists of runners keeping their arms locked, straight at their sides. The sport injects humor and mockery into its soul. No other sport has met such unique goals — although curling comes close.

My history of running for sport

No matter how much I run and what fitness level I attain, I can’t master the sport. I dread my first mile. My heart pounds in my ears, and my lungs shrivel up to the size of peas. Running kicks my ass.

I quit signing up for 5 and 10ks when, after a dozen, I still had champions flicking their sweat on me. A hardcore runner would sprint past me with a patronizing yet encouraging, “You can do it! Don’t give up!” I thought about chucking my heart at their shins the next time they passed me, as it exploded from my chest.

Oh! And, races allow runners to pay $25 for an ill-fitting, schwag t-shirt too. Why would anyone want to pass up such an offer?

On top of the fun of races, running helps keep me in cardio and athletic shape. The endorphins produced during a run help stave off the worst bouts of depression. And trail-running, especially, allows one to drink in the beauty of the natural world. I saw a unicorn and a Yeti on a trail once — I may have hallucinated both, though, as I pushed through a painful mile.

But just as watching track events on TV can get boring, so can maintaining a consistent running schedule. Stiff-arm runs change the future of running — nay, the world — forever.

Fans and participants will flock to the sport

The stiff-arm twist to running events will draw huge crowds of new spectators. Standing on the sidelines of a mountain road marathon doesn’t attract the throngs imagined. To hang out under a blazing sun with hopes of seeing an exhausted athlete pass by every five minutes — not as appealing as runners believe. Sports officials woo spectators with bands and parades, but the excitement wears off quickly.

New, hardcore fans will flock to athletes who lumber with their arms glued to their sides. Stiff-arm running is the great equalizer. Every runner will look ridiculous. Spectators will remain riveted to the bleachers, roadsides, and television screens where stiff-arm runs take place.

Those of us longing to increase our running endurance and cardio fitness often fear doing so in public. We worry we’ll look absurd. We worry what seasoned runners may think of us as we lumber on the track. Universal stiff-armed runs eradicate those fears. Usain Bolt will look as comical as your Uncle Bob on his first run since elementary school.

I just sold my house, car, and all of my most expensive material items to launch the sport of the future’s marketing campaign. I’m practicing my stiff arm methods before going out for my run today. Look for the stiff arm run in the 2024 Summer Games!