Steady

A poem

We met sometime my freshman year of high school you one year older swaggering with quirky Lloyd Dobbler confidence full-faced smile and handsome, but with a 90s-era angst that kept you just outside the cliques

when they defaced my student council posters with bold letters S-L-U-T scattered loudly across the school halls you helped me build the bravery of spirit that got me through those years of bullying “well, did you do it?” you asked “no” I sniffled “then who cares what they say”

we tried kissing a couple of times but it didn’t really suit us in passing period we’d catch eyes I’d growl, you’d wink and it buoyed me

Later after you’d graduated and worked at the Amoco gas station with John who had the tiger tattoo we’d sneak Boone’s Farm into big soda cups and sit laughing on the curb under the glowing parking lot lights smoking Marlboro Reds and feeling like Kerouac

There was the time I threw myself at you sad and slurring after my divorce your dad had just died and we cried together on your mom’s couch “no, you’re too drunk,” you told me “you would regret it and it’s not me you want anyway”

When you came out to the bar for the after-party at my 10-year-reunion even though it wasn’t your class you were watching out for me your tall head peeking up over the teetering blurry faces you tried to keep me from giving myself away again I didn’t listen

In our 40s distant by years and miles and life when my guilt and shame from too much wine for way too long had finally knocked me down to a terrified admission I saw your face now sprinkled with salt and pepper winking at me again this time from my Facebook feed as you announced your 5-year-sobriety date

and there you were steady at the other end of Messenger as ever before you buoyed me and helped me rise

More on the recovery journey by Vixen Lea: