Staying Connected to the First Born with Baby Number Two
When a first-born child becomes a big sibling, everything changes. They say that love is not halved, it is doubled. Although that was most definitely true for our family, it was also true that the responsibility felt exponential.
Learning how to divide our time just to get everyone’s basic needs met was rocky, to say the least. The emotional adjustment that came along with it was huge.
My spouse’s work has always demanded that he travel frequently. It is standard operating procedure for him to be away from home 3–5 days a week, every week. We’ve learned to live this way and it is infinitley easier with school-aged children. When they were babies, it was really hard.
Handling dinner, clean up, baths and bedtime for both boys all by my lonesome usually left me frazzled at the very least and bordering on psychotic at worst. Throw in the death of a parent, stir in recurring depressive episodes, and sprinkle with a healthy does of anxiety and you have a recipe for solo-parenting disaster.
Bedtime was a particularly sticky time. More than once, in a last-ditch effort to have things super calm and quiet while I put the baby down, I threatened to take bedtime stories away from my oldest. Seriously? Sacrifice the child’s literacy and mess with the sanctity of the bedtime ritual, for what? So that I can feel a little less stressed while my three year old son is asked to be super grown up and be alone, yet again, so I can tend to the baby’s needs?
It was enough to drown me in tears of guilt.
One night was beautifully different, though. Maybe it was because was dinner prepped and cooked well ahead of time so I was a little less edgy. Maybe it was because the baby happily slurped down some pureed sweet potatoes so that I could eat my own dinner with more grace than a pig at the trough. Maybe it was because my oldest was just really happy about the Easter egg treat he earned for eating all of his dinner.
Or maybe, just maybe, it was because he felt valued and important and heard and LIKED…feelings he had been missing out on far too often since becoming a big brother.
I thoroughly relished watching him play imaginatively in the tub after soaping him up and rinsing off his perfect little body. I didn’t rush through the bedtime book to get to something else that I would have rather been doing.
I didn’t get annoyed when he wanted to read some of the words himself or painstakingly call out the letters to an entire sentence to spell it out, actions that on many nights would have me pushing him along so we can be done already.
I gladly acquiesced to his request for a second song, “a LOOOONG one.” And when I was done singing and he was all tucked in, he stroked my face and arms while chatting away about who would attend his fourth birthday party (over six months away, mind you) and where they might go and when will Halloween come again and what will his baby brother dress up as…
He went on and on until I finally caught his eye with a smile, kissed and hugged him again, said good night, and nearly fainted in pure love and joy.
I felt intoxicated by him.
A feeling not entirely unlike what it felt like when his father and I first met and fell crazy in love.
A feeling I had lately reserved for the baby alone.
And it felt so good to feel so good about him again.
The adjustment from one child to two is a doozie. It takes time to find the time to handle it all. Here are three easy-to-implement ways to stay connected to that first born baby when number two comes along.
- Highs and Lows: During a family meal, give every speaking family member a chance to share their high and low point of the day. This gives your first- born child an opportunity to air any grievances and share wins from their day in a safe, supportive way that shines the spotlight on them, even if just for a moment.
- Daily One-on-One Time: Your first born will benefit immensely from as little as 15 minutes of your full and undivided attention every day. To make it easier on yourself, put the ball in the big brother or sister’s court as to what activity you will do together, but make sure to put some ground rules in place. They will love the power to choose.
- Date Day or Night: Once a month, schedule an afternoon or evening for just you and your first born to do something special. Grab a meal together and take a hike. Go see a movie and get ice cream after to debrief the plot.
Growing families face an unrelenting rising tide of change with the arrival of a new baby. Find ways to stay connected with the eldest and enjoy the intoxicating power of love that has been doubled.
(A previous version of this piece was originally published on my blog here.)
Oh, hi. I’m Kristen and I’m kinda new here. You can read more at Kristen Sears Cudd.