Inhaling America’s Fart History
State of the Union of Flatulence
During the recent State of the Union speech, I noticed that the economy, national security, and the other usual issues were traditional themes.
Imagine if America had an annual “State of the Union of Flatulence.”
That’s right. Farts!
President Joe wouldn’t have to deliver the address. He flashes that mysterious smile at odd times. The country might be distracted by what might be happening behind his podium.
That national address could be passed (Hey. No giggling!) on to Dr. Vivek Murthy, Surgeon General of the United States. The Vice Admiral could promise each household free Beano, the way each family received a stimulus check during the height of the COVID outbreak.
Speaking of COVID, Dr. Murthy could address the versatility of facemasks. Could they protect against being broadsided by a sneaky gas passer?
Most of all, it’s time America stopped hiding from the truth. Yes, keep hiding from the smell, but not the issue causing the stench.
Farts in Medium. Medium Farts? Never mind…
I looked up “farts” in the Medium.com files (so you wouldn’t have to).
There, I noted 234 documented fart blogs.
Sub-categories in this genre include:
However, in my detailed research, I’ve found no evidence of fart-related scratch-and-sniff blogs.
In the collection of key terms, I was surprised to find that no one has written about “fartology.” Likewise, there were no profiles of “fartologist” as a career.
I’m beginning to imagine that my friends and I coined those terms in elementary school. We never copyrighted either word, which should bring great hope to flatulent-thinking entrepreneurs.
Checking Amazon.com, I’m finding a big demand for fart-themed books.
The king of fart-styled books has to be The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts, by Shinta Cho (Kane/Miller Book Publishers, 1994).
The book was published first in Japan in 1978 and has been translated into many languages.
In 1997, according to the New York Times, The Gas We Pass had 380,000 copies in print. Back then, the publisher believed that 50 percent of the title’s sales were from adults for other adults.
Although this was not planned as a sequel, the “Gas” book followed the publisher’s 1993 issue of Everybody Poops, by Taro Gomi. Another picture book (for ages kindergarten through second grade), this title was published in Japan in 1978.
Both titles were part of the publisher's “My Body Science” six-book non-fiction series. The entire series sold more than 2 million copies.
Farts have been the inspiration for children’s fiction, also.
The book that may have ushered in the era of farty fiction was Walter the Farting Dog. The picture book was published in 2001. A decade later, it had sold more than one million copies. Four sequels followed.
Fartism Findings On The Playground Of Life
I will share the brief highlights of my limited education of fartism as a child.
I remember a conversation with a couple of other kids one windy day at recess.
“Do your dads ever say ‘Pull my finger’ and then fart when you do?”
Both boys shrugged.
The first kid replied, “Yeah, all the time.”
The other boy added, “I think all fathers do it.”
I just shook my head. “It would still be funny if my dad did the joke outside. You’d still hear the sound, but the wind might help with the stink.”
All three of us stood silent on the blacktop. Then, I faked a POOT noise. All three of us were grabbing our throats, gasping for air.
Second-grade teacher Mrs. Reimers tooted her whistle. “What’s wrong with you boys? Do you want me to come over there?”
Each of us stopped gagging. I could only giggle and shrug.
I wanted to say, “We were imagining all three of our dads farting at the same time after we pulled their fingers.” That’s one of my major regrets of elementary school. Boys were proud of having dads who could rival a whoopee cushion.
An older cousin ordered an authentic half-inflated rubber whoopee cushion from a mail-order practical joke catalog. These could be used to trick someone into a fit of shame if their chair was booby-trapped. Facsimile fart noise!
This made no sense to me. All of my cousins took pride in their vocal butts. And they were all willing to fart on command (for free) if an audience was assembled.
My brave father agreed to transport my aunt and her two kids to see my grandmother in southern Iowa once. My brother and I were squeezed between two cousins with devious grins.
One of them suffered from exploding pants syndrome.
“Hey, who cut the cheese?”
Cousin #2 said, “Smells like you!”
“Please, open the windows, Dad!” I begged.
Both cousins cackled. Until my aunt turned around.
“Tommy, did you let one?”
“No!” I gasped.
“Well, your grandma always said, ‘The fox is the finder. The scent’s on his behinder.’”
Years later, junior high school classmates updated the saying with the classic:
“He who smelt it, dealt it.”
I was part of junior high in 1974 when that same stinky subject became a scene-stealing theme in Blazing Saddles. The R-rated satirical western featured a gang of cowboys brimming with coffee and baked beans, each tooting around the campfire.
Perhaps, Hollywood’s finest farting came under fire in the initial release of 2003’s Love Actually. In the movie, Emma Thompson’s rebellious tween son gets sent to the principal’s office.
He’s written a Christmas theme about wishing that everyone’s farts would appear as visible bubbles. The boy envisioned catching his grandmother at Christmas dinner, a man in the church choir, and even the Queen all letting it rip.
Christmas farting became one of seven deleted scenes included in the home video re-release of the movie.
The best humor is derived from reality. I appreciated Pepe Le Pew cartoons for their wavy lines above and behind the skunk. Like putrid clouds hanging low, ready to engulf the innocent.
While my younger brother laughed at the music and the funny faces of the characters, I considered the truth in each cartoon.
My fears were confirmed in college. In more than one public library, I’d make a sudden turn into a trail of rotten-egg odors. A farting felon fled before his backed-up toilet aroma did.
Then, I wished animators had been in the library to add accent warning lines to the wretched atmosphere.
Farts float among us. Dog-blaming, cheese-cutting social scofflaws are everywhere.
Breathe carefully.
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Tom Owens is a daily occurrence on Twitter at @domorebemoreNOW, where he rails against soul-sucking jobs. To help support his snarky sense of humor, consider subscribing to Medium via https://medium.com/@domorebemoreNOW/membership, so Tom will get a tiny reward.
