Starting Over Yet Again During a Pandemic No Less?

Me too — Reflections nine months post quitting my J-O-B

I’ve been gone for a while.

Three months to be exact. What can I say? I’ve got a streak of Amy Winehouse in me. Sometimes… I go back to black. Either you can relate, or I know what you’re thinking. No, my low point didn’t come to smoking crack wandering the city streets barefoot, but I’ve still got a story to tell.

I went to a dark place.

Fortunately, my “back to black” is a much tamer and more dignified version in my mid-thirties than my formative years. Say, polishing off a bottle of crisp New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc by lunchtime so that I could gaze out my living room window at the rioting, looting or peaceful protest without having an anxiety attack while I wallowed in thoughts of personal, global and existential crisis.

My ride or die partners Rye and Mary may have been involved to varying degrees while I festered.

After weeks of wandering lost in a mental desert, I had a come to Jesus moment laying in my bed on the fourth of July listening to illegal fireworks exploding all around my house. Slightly feverish and writhing in pain, I wondered if I needed to go to the hospital… Did I have C-19? I suppose I’ll never know unless I take an antibody test. I lay there bedridden thinking about all of the people in dire health circumstance alone in a hospital.

I thought of my father who died in 2005, also my eldest sister in 2012, and trembled thinking of their final days. I clung to my sheets peering out the window at the beautiful day and birds chirping. Nature continuing on unconcerned with my struggle, the afternoon sun streaming brightly through my windows.

I was thankful to be at home in my own bed; it wasn’t lost on me that I was reminded of my mortality on Independence Day. I’m certain the Universe was sending me a clear message that it was time to get on with it and to be grateful for what I have.

I had a pretty good plan, I thought.

Fuck it. I’ve got enough clout with my bartending resume to pull this off. As spring rolled into summer, I planned to travel extensively. Why not tour extraordinary bars and interview impressive bartenders slinging drinks across the US, maybe even Europe? I’d love to go back to visit places and people I met abroad last summer.

I have spent my entire adult life working with food and drink; I’ve got a thing or two to say about the subject. I would wander far and wide, visit fabulous cities/restaurants and write about it. That looked like a damn good idea for this summer during my year-long sabbatical of self-discovery.

Not a bad plan, huh?

Then… you know what happened, and my dream for this year went up in flames along with millions of other people with big plans for 2020. So… now what? Cue the sinister dark void of panic and worry for the foreseeable future.

I long for simpler times…

I always felt like being a Bartender was a bulletproof job. I could literally pack a suitcase, pick a random destination to a moderately sized city and know that I could snag a decent gig within a couple of weeks of wherever I landed. Not only that, I would have a good time meeting whoever pulled up a seat at my bar during my time there.

When I quit my job last December, I was resolute that if I ever went back to bartending, it wouldn’t be full-time, and only for the pure joy of it, if I found a ridiculously fun spot to work a couple of nights a week. Yet, it was always in the back of my mind that if this sabbatical to indulge my creativity and figure out a way in hell to be an entrepreneur in some capacity failed, I could always fall back on it.

That is no longer the case.

This is what is known in the psychological field as a “mind-fuck.”

I have spent my entire adult life working my way up from rock bottom to bartending for the rich and famous. The restaurant industry is now decimated in most places across the United States. Seattle, where I live, has been struck hard by the economic repercussions from the mismanagement on a federal level of this Pandemic.

I think the industry will recover eventually, but we’re talking years. Myself and the majority of restaurant workers in cities across America have been out of a job for months. Not too mention if you find a job the health risks involved.

How is the same result in a slew of other industries with no end in sight sustainable? Too many of us are at the brink of crisis in numerous and diverse ways riding this out together.

It was harder than I thought to let go of all of the plans/expectations I had set for myself and my writing. I waved a white flag and retreated, feeling utterly defeated; you can’t win a battle without a strategy. Working through conflicted feelings of disappointment followed by grieving our old way of life… I finally picked myself up, dusted off, placed my flask back on the shelf, and assessed the situation.

Not everything about this global health crisis has been terrible… Haven’t we all found silver linings?

My most significant silver lining out of all of this craziness has been spending more time with my family, cycling and slowing down my life in general. I have been reflecting on the past 18-years since I fell into the restaurant industry. I had just been going for so long. We’re all just working for each paycheck every week until months, then suddenly years and decades blow-by.

Have you stopped to wonder what has this all really been for?

If you’re reading this thinking that you don’t even know what you would like to do with yourself/your time/your life, the truth is that you probably have never even had enough time to simply contemplate it. What is the point of all of this (your existence) if you are not fulfilled with what you do every day?

Dare I say, why bother? I know there are people out there that have followed their dreams and are living meaningful lives of passion for what they do, but they are the exception. Most of us have been too busy working to keep some CEO’s dream (aka a yacht fueled and) going … just to make it to the weekend.

Do you collect your paycheck and then spend your days off dreading going back to work? Most of us do; that’s no life to live. The American work-culture is suffocating us.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised to feel more at home in Europe than in the United States.

Nowhere is perfect, but especially in Spain, France and the Netherlands, I noticed how much better the average person lives. They take work-life balance to heart; it’s a lifestyle that I envy and am emulating in this new life I’ve set off on. I hope that you’re able to stop and think more about how you want to live and what matters most to you.

Living a more sustainable/holistic lifestyle has steadily become my focus, and I realized it was time to put up or shut up. I honestly felt guilty, not writing for the past several months, but I needed to clear my head and figure out a new plan for 2020.

I decided if I’m going to be spending this much time at home, I better turn it into a fucking sanctuary.

The first order of business, I planted an urban vegetable and flower garden on my deck overlooking my slice of the Seattle skyline. I always wanted to get into gardening but somehow never got around to it when I was working full-time. I’m ashamed to say my deck that is now somewhat of an urban jungle was completely barren for the 10+ years we’ve lived in this house.

My garden is part of a project for my sister blog, Sustain or Die, to focus on spreading awarness about the topics of sustainability and climate change. Doesn’t it feel overwhelming… What can I really do that is going to make a difference?

Yet, I’ve realized that if we all made adjustments to how we live our lives, our individual efforts would add up to significant changes.

Hummingbirds and bumblebees are now regulars on my deck, if for nothing else, it has been worth it to see the positive effect it’s had on their lives. They absolutely love hanging out in my garden. I really didn’t expect witnessing that would have such an impact on me.

If you would like to join me in that conversation or are interested in writing about how we can all practically do our part to stop climate change email me ([email protected]) or stop by Sustain or Die.

Another contribution to my resolve of living a healthier life is cycling regularly.

This has turned into an unexpected passion. I have ridden my bike at least several thousand miles outdoors since the beginning of the year and have taken it to another level over the past several months. As a result, I have lost 10+ pounds simply cycling to perform activities that I used to drive my car to do.

Riding my bike has become an essential part of my daily routine; I ride for 75-minutes most days. Did I mention that my “work-out” includes a picnic and happy hour? We always split a bottle of wine and stop somewhere to relax. Cycling has given me not just physical strength; I would argue that it has given me just as much mental fortitude to get through this uncertain time.

Trapped at home for the foreseeable future, I’ve wondered what I could share of myself with my blog that would offer value to others. Oddly enough, I’ve been the most reluctant to share the one thing that I am honestly and obviously the most passionate about.

Food.

I feel that creating in the kitchen is turning into a lost art in the average household. It makes me incredibly sad seeing so many people fill their shopping carts with crap because they’re too busy, tired or do not have the financial means to prepare whole and healthy food options.

I have wanted to share my love of creating in the kitchen…I’m not sure why I’ve hestiated for so long.

No one can take away my pure enjoyment for preparing meals and I would be doing all of this in my spare time, whether I shared it publically or not. I decided to launch an Instagram account for Jezebels Feast to showcase my photography. Not just of food, also snap shots of all the aspects of my mission to live a more holistic and sustainable lifestyle.

I’m not certain how this is all going to work out, but ever since I made the commitment to myself to follow my passions doors have miraculously opened enabling me to keep going.

It’s unfortunate many people view cooking as a chore, but I’ve been there too. That last year at my job, my love for my biggest passion in the world started to fade away. I was too tired and depressed to care about cooking (or to do much of anything honestly) as I had previously. Do you have an inkling for something you’d like to give more of your time and attention to? If so, what is holding you back?

I shudder to think what my life would be like if I hadn’t taken the plunge, quit my job and decided to figure out a better life come hell or high water. If you’re also a writer having a hard time gathering your thoughts in the midst of global crisis, I would suggest diving into other interests to inspire you to continue on your journey. I can attest that helped me return from a black void of helplessness.

All is not lost on the traveling forefront, either.

I am incredibly lucky to be “trapped” in the Pacific Northwest. If you’ve never visited or are in the hood, I am excited to show you beautiful places I find via bike, hiking, and camping. It’s almost time to hit the road again, but there’s one last thing I have to do before I go that I must share with you.

Until next time…

~ Jeze

Jezebel is the editor of Jezebel’s Feast a personal blog. Also, Sustain or Die adovcating for living sustainable lifestyles, and at Looking Inward: a Pandemic Diary documenting this momentous event.

➡️ Jezebel Feast is the editor of “Jezebel’s Feast,” a personal blog focused on the vast topic of living a sustainable lifestyle. Visit her new home jezebelsfeast.com. Want to keep in touch? Catch Jeze on Instagram 📸 or Pinterest 📌…🔗…🚀