Start Dressing For The Female-Gaze

A humble apology for being so un-stylish in the past

I saw the most beautiful woman the other day. Everything about her was sensational. She was in a pastel green wrap-around top that was draped across her shoulders- revealing but not quite, something about the way it clung to her body. Extra-loose-type pants made from silky material that danced with the wind. Long multi-colored beaded necklaces and an arm- cuff. A half up- half — down hairstyle, like a crown- a huge one- made from her auburn braids that flowed down to her waist. People on the street moved around her like she was a majestic ship passing through. I know, she sounds like an angel, and she was.

That’s what started my awakening, actually. That’s who I want to be. That woman. That’s who I always wanted to be. Why am I still trying to peel my skinny jeans off me at the end of the night? For whom? Definitely not Gen Z. And, why am I still blow-drying my hair straight in this weather, claiming it’s more manageable?

It’s truly a humbling experience when you’re supposed to be this woke feminist then realize how un-woke you actually are and need to start all over. I have so much work to do. By work, I mean weeding out any leftover white-washed internalized misogyny I have. Stomping on it with my two feet and killing it.

There’s a huge conversation going on online about women wanting to look good yet avoid the male gaze. I get it. You can’t put a pair of shorts on around here without expecting a few unwanted good mornings. Yup, catcalling is a global phenomenon.

There are women on all sides of the spectrum. Women calling for other women to drop doing anything for male approval; and women who feel that getting their nails and hair done- for example- is to make themselves feel good rather than men, and women calling that out, and, and, and….. but at least we’ve all decided to support each other regardless of our opinions in one hell of a hot girl summer twist.

At the core of this discussion is, women still want to look good but not attract attention from low-value men. The keyword here is low-value men. I found the solution from one of the comments: Start dressing for the female gaze instead. The concept stuck with me. That’s why I found the woman on the street so beautiful. She was on a whole other level of beauty. It wasn't your regular cookie-cutter style that men find attractive; it was an art form.

If you really want to dress for yourself or how most of us say we dress for other women, or even if you want to dress to attract high-value men- you know, ones that don’t cat-call, then base your style on the female gaze. When you dress with female concepts and culture in mind, you tend to emit fabulousness instead of unwanted male attention. It becomes a form of self-expression rather than male appeasement. Look up lesbian femme fashion and makeup for inspiration.

But what about the ladies who do enjoy the pin-up look but still don't want male attention? I mean, sometimes I enjoy it too. The solution also came from one of the comments. A bright young lady said that whenever she dresses too sexy, she always compliments her look with a fedora hat or brogues, and voila, it balances out the look and keeps the creeps away — some of them at least. I’ll be investing in a fedora hat immediately, maybe some Crocks.

The conclusion revolved around at least becoming aware that we, as women, are part of the problem of perpetuating misogynoir beauty standards. So, while we may love wearing our heels and straightening our hair, it should not come at the expense of other really beautiful women. We should at least be aware of the lingo we use when describing “nonconventional" beauty. What the hell is conventional anyway? Based on who? It is not supposed to stem from the patriarchy. It should stem from us.

The industry standard for beauty is based on the male gaze. And not shockingly, that’s based on porn — but that’s a whole other post. We are so used to equating beauty with that pin-up girl look. Loads of women have clung to trends like modeling themselves after the Kardashians and attempting to look young forever. But even the Kardashian’s can’t keep up with looking like Kardashians anymore. You need an entire damage-control team to do it. And, don’t get me wrong, it is beautiful. But it’s not the only beautiful out there. We are just hard-wired to perceive things as they were taught.

Yes, most of our beauty standards revolve around appearing younger, lighter, tighter, and perkier. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Actually, looking at it from this lens, I started to understand where women are coming from when they say dressing for the male gaze perpetuates bullshit from the patriarchy, even if you don’t know it. And, I have vowed not to perpetuate bullshit from the patriarchy because it’s damaging to everyone.

The thing is, I’m still reeling from a writing group I joined a few weeks ago. One of the women in the group introduced herself and said something along the lines that she felt people didn’t perceive her as beautiful and is often overlooked because she is dark-skinned. I wanted to scream. She was really beautiful. That’s actually one of the first things I thought of her.

How many attractive women do you know to say the same thing? Way too many. And that’s because they are looking at themselves from the male gaze. There are tons of unconventional-looking women — I use the term unconventional loosely- who call themselves “ugly,” but they’ve been gaslit. They are only ugly in a culture that caters to the male gaze; they are not ugly to other women. I never have- ever- once met an ugly woman. The only ugly women I’ve seen are the ones with shit personalities. But like just an ugly woman? I haven’t.

The male gaze is bullshit. It stems from male depravity, and I don't want to play into it anymore. According to the patriarchy, I have four more years before I have to cut my hair short so that I may be identified as 40- year- OLD-woman. Let’s not take cues from them when it comes to beauty, especially when they’re balding exponentially.

I really appreciate the concept of upping my closet and personal style to a more expressive art form instead of catering to the male gaze. I didn't realize I was doing it.

With all this hot girl summer stuff going around, I wanted to humbly apologize for being so un-stylish in the past. I want to transform into that flowy queen I saw on the road and glide between people like a warrior princess. Her confidence emits beauty. Her disregard for the male gaze is what’s attractive. Her unconventional beauty stopped me in my tracks. She was shining from the inside.