Spyder, Please Feel Me!

Pondering what to write on the weekend topic, I opened up Microsoft Word. I don’t usually write on my laptop and haven’t since the last time I visited my mom. That was for her ninetieth Birthday in July. It is relevant because a document was auto-saved. I opened it to find my article on Resilience. I pondered a bit about how that relates to honoring the emotions my body, mind, and soul wish to feel. I thought how resilience allows us to do that. I also thought of the synchronicity of that article to the one I am writing now.

I am a resilient person. I am an empathic person. I know that sometimes my body, mind, and soul need some down time. Acknowledging that I need some emotional down time is just like acknowledging a sore knee or a cough that is telling you that you need to care for that body part. I have fought hard to grow. Doing so honestly tells me that all feelings are valid.

I am looking out the bedroom window to Kay’s driveway. Her sons are cleaning out the house. I stopped over to express my condolences for the passing of their mom. I processed it once feeling both happiness for many memories and sad for the loss of someone that knew me for such a long time. Our families grew up together and though they were much younger than us I have followed their lives as I am sure they have followed mine. If is perfectly fine and appropriate to feel sadness and grief.

It is also perfectly fine to acknowledge feeling boredom and frustration. To not admit it happens, especially in 2020, is madness. I celebrated the American Football team, the Buffalo Bills, winning our division title for the first time in twenty-five years yesterday. I did so with my best friend of almost sixty years. We talked about the lean years. We talked about how frustrating it was for some of those years to be out of the playoffs almost as soon as the season started. If we are to have the over pouring joy of winning that game be valid, we have to have the not as welcome feelings be valid also.

There is even a place for anger. That place really isn’t because another driver wanted to be in the lane I wished to be or is driving too slow. If, however, somebody intentionally caused me injury, if someone was in an abusive relationship, if some neglect caused injury or damage then there could be reason for anger.

At my age and situation I am not as moody as I was at one time. Well, I have for the most part of my life been fairly stable. I have suffered from clinical depression. I now need to do triage. Am I feeling sadness? How long has it lasted? Is there a reasonable explanation for the sadness? If I can say yes to that then I do allow myself to feel that.

This is where resilience comes into the equation. I need not dwell in those negative feelings or for that matter dwell in the extreme positive ones either. I need to be resilient enough to get back to the middle ground. I need to return to being mindful and in the moment. Every feeling is valid. The reasons for those feeling should justify the emotion. If it does not I need to pay attention to that. I need to search the deeper reason why I might be feeling that emotion and work on healing that.

I need to turn back to my mantra. Stay safe, find beauty, grow!