Spoiler Alert

Summary

The author is recounting the emotional journey following the discovery of his wife's affair, detailing the unexpected deepening of his love for her and the realization of their marriage's vulnerability.

Abstract

In the aftermath of his wife's infidelity, the author reflects on the surprising intensification of his love for her. Despite the pain, he recognizes the affair as a catalyst for viewing his wife as a flawed but desirable human being, and acknowledges their shared responsibility for the state of their marriage before the affair. The near-loss of their relationship has led to a renewed appreciation for their life together. He grapples with the fear of what could have happened if he hadn't inadvertently discovered her infidelity and expresses gratitude for the preservation of their marriage. The author also contemplates the potential misery for both himself and his wife if they had not managed to overcome this crisis.

Opinions

The author believes that the affair has humanized his wife and made him see her with renewed depth and complexity.
He does not attribute the intensification of his love to a sense of competition or increased desirability due to another man's interest.
He acknowledges that both he and his wife are responsible for the deterioration of their marriage prior to the affair.
The author is grateful for the intervention that prevented their marriage from reaching a point of no return.
He is certain that his wife would have been unhappy with the other man, who is described as selfish and uncaring about the potential

Spoiler Alert

This is part two of my story of recovering from my wife’s affair and rebuilding our marriage. First, read part one.

Spoiler alert: Everything’s going to be okay.

I love my wife, and in perhaps the weirdest emotional twist of my life, my love for her has deepened since I discovered she had been having an affair. As I’m typing this, a week after finding out, I’m still trying to figure out exactly why.

I don’t think there’s one good answer.

Did it make me see her as human again? Not just as my wife, but as a real person, with hopes and fantasies and flaws and even the ability — heretofore unseen, at least to anywhere near this degree — to do something really selfish and hurtful, just like other regular humans sometimes do? Yeah, I think that’s a part of it.

Did it make me see her as more desirable again, now that another man had made his desire for her known? My wife has suggested this possibility to me, but it just doesn’t resonate with me at all, not even when I really try to make sure I’m being honest with myself.

Is it because I see how close I came to losing my wife of nearly a quarter of a century, whosever “fault” it is? (Another spoiler alert: It was both of our faults. The affair itself? That’s completely on her. She made those selfish choices on her own. I don’t feel any responsibility for that, and she doesn’t expect me to. But the condition of our marriage leading up to the affair? We both need to take responsibility for that. We both allowed it to deteriorate. We both could have put in more effort to repair the slow leaks that had sprung in our otherwise strong marriage.)

So yes, the realization of how close we came to losing our marriage is a part of why my love for her has intensified, too. Sometimes only almost losing something can make you recognize its true value. It’s probably the tagline for a cheesy romance novel, but it’s true.

Even though her affair was brief in duration, it scares me to think about other ways it could have ended up. What if I hadn’t tried to track her to find out when she would be home with the pizza? That one simple act — done not out of any suspicion, but just mundane dinner-routine curiosity — may have saved us both a lot of pain.

I like to think she would have had a realization on her own at some point. I like to think that something would have shaken her awake, made her realize that what she was doing was wrong and that she had to end it and return to me, tell me everything and work to save our marriage. But I can never know that. I think there was a point of no return out there that she was heading straight for. Who knows how far off it was? I’m so grateful — for both of us, honestly — that the path deviated from that.

Why do I say I’m grateful for both of us? Because I can see her alternate future with him. And even though this affair was totally unexpected behavior from her, I still know who she is at heart. And I know she would have been miserable had she ended up with him.

I know this for a couple of reasons: first, because of who this man is. He is a married man himself, who sought my wife out, knowing she was married, too. He had the clear intention of breaking up our marriage, ending his own, and taking my wife for himself. He did this without knowing whether or not we were happy together. He did this without any care for the well-being of our children, who, though they’re young adults now, are still vulnerable to something like their parents’ divorce causing deep emotional harm. These are the selfish acts of a selfish man who doesn’t really care who he hurts to get what he wants. She would not have been happy with him for long.

More importantly, I know my wife. I know the depth of her character, integrity and empathy. I know that leaving me, hurting the kids, breaking up our home — all of it would have eaten her up inside. I’ve seen it happen to other good people in my life who made terrible mistakes. I’ve seen a regret and sadness set in over them — something that they often cover up but can’t make go away.

As for myself, I can see my alternate future without her. It’s a future so personally devastating, I can barely think about it. If there’s an alternate universe where this affair went too far and we lost our marriage, it’s a world in which I know misery like I’ve never felt before.

So yes, I feel incredibly fortunate that I opened up that app on that Wednesday evening and couldn’t find where my wife was. It may have saved everything I truly care about.