#22:|FRIENDSHIP|MEDIUM|ENGAGEMENT|LOVE|LETTERS|

Spiders and Everything Nice

Letter #22 Reply to James Edward Young

Where grand gestures are reserved for romantic relationships, one man decided to break the mold and take his friendship to the next level.

On bended knee, Medium author James Edward Young proposed a bond of friendship. To seal this bond, we would write to each other on this platform.

I hope you can stop by and spend some time reading our letters. I am not quite sure if our life stories are your cup of tea; however, I am sure you will bust out a giggle, fall to the floor and laugh out loud, fart, pee on yourself, have a stomach ache from laughing or, like me, often cry with tears of joy.

Who knows?

Maybe, just maybe, the world will witness more friendship proposals on bended knee-and a whole lot of love.

A link will be provided below for all other past letters between James and Love.

We hope you enjoy this unique journey!

Letter #22 Love’s Reply to James

December 23, 2023

You wrote:

Good morning Love, you sweet thing. I am serious right now. I wanted to introduce you to my special little friend. I flat out love this tiny creature. Love……I must tell you, if you ever catch me being ordinary, please slap me.. Yes, slap me, whip me, abuse me, call me names, strap me to a wall, hot grease, bamboo, glass rods, then cut me down and make me lick your boots like the little worm that I am………Those could be the best lines from the greatest movie of all time. Anybody thinking Citizen Kane would be wrong. The best movie of all time is a movie called “Eating Raul.” It’s a movie about, well never mind. You are too young.

Then…you wrote.

Okay you forced it out of me. I don’t know if you have a dark sense of humor or not, but the movie “Eating Raul” is a comedy about cannibalism, murder, dominatrix girl and financial success. I have a dark sense of humor and I found it to be one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I might have the only copy. I will make you a copy, if you like. Why don’t you call me for Christmas.

Then added your phone number.

NOOOOO. James, you made the ultimate sacrifice and gave me your phone number in front of millions of people. James, you cannot do that.

Please remove your phone number; I wouldn’t want you to receive any calls.

Then you wrote.

Perhaps you’re wondering why I put a music video of “The look Of Love” by Dusty Springfield. Well, first of all, I love her voice but more than that, “The Look Of Love” refers to my little spider friend. Look at how many eyes she has.. And she looks at you and she holds that look and you can gaze into each other’s souls. Yes — my spider friend definitely has the look of love..

James, you destroyed the song for me, man!!!

Ok, fine. Let me introduce you to my buddy I called, KAKA.

No, not like poop, it’s pronounced as KA!KA!

They are the proud fighting spider team. I used to carry a match box to school every day with compartments of different team members. Dang good money back then. Five cents bought you soda and crap junk of candy!!! Possibly earn a movie ticket or two right there.

Yes…yes…I know that’s gambling if we got caught. But we didn’t. So we had fun. Don’t judge me!!!

Then it was all about Henrietta…

It’s getting very close to Christmas time and I wanted to introduce you to my friend , Henrietta………Henrietta does not live with me, yet. They are all the same . .I think jumping spiders are the cutest things on the planet. Henrietta is not an ordinary spider. I don’t even like to think that she really is a spider. Maybe I’m being anthropomorphic but if you familiarize yourself with this little girl, you will find that she is the cutest little lady you’ve ever seen in your life. As I was saying, Henrietta is not an ordinary spider. She doesn’t even spin cobwebs. If she sees a grub worm or a fruit fly, she jumps on it. She’s like a lion taking down a water buffalo . She doesn’t move like other spiders because she has a superpowers. Her legs are hydraulically powered so she is able to leap quickly and with extreme accuracy . I don’t know if you’re afraid of spiders or not love. If you are afraid of spiders, trust me, this little girl is nothing to fear. She is cute, she is personable because she responds to you, she has no smell and there’s nothing to cleanup. If you’re fond of cleaning up mastiff poop, go ahead, be my guest. I think I prefer teensy pets. I’ve had praying mantises as pets and they are also cool. You have to be careful of who you live with because sometimes she threatens to squash your little friend, if you bring her into the house, and put them in a Kleenex and flush him down the toilet. I’ve learned how to control that. I have a T-shirt that says — love me love my spider. That ought to do it . So Henrietta and me are a team. As I mill about the house she sits on my shoulder. She is content to do so because I keep her well fed. She was a little bit shy at first but she touched her leg against my finger and it was kismet. I went online and I found out that you can even get stuffed animals in the shape of these cute furry little guys. This little creature responds to you. You wouldn’t think it would be possible but there is a little brain in there. She might be a little shy of you at first but once she gets to know you, she will get on your finger and walk up your sleeve and sit on your shoulder. Amazon sells little houses for your pet jumping spider. You may like to house her in a modified walnut shell. For not much money at all you can get a little book on how to take care of your little pet, telling you what she likes to eat and so on. Don’t ever give her an ant to eat. Ants will kill your little friend. She likes grub worms and fruit flies. It’s easy to grow a bunch of fruit flies. Just smoosh up bananas and they come. I don’t know where you get grub worms. Maybe a bait store or maybe you could even order them online from Amazon, I don’t know. I’ll eat grub worms with her if I find organic ones. I’ll bake them with seasoning first. Now comes the questionable item floating around in the punch bowl. It’s fine if you live alone, you can have all the spiders you want. You can even breed them. But what if you live with an evil person , who claims to love you, but proves it by threatening to kill your friend. She claims the mere mention of having a spider habitat in the house makes her want to barf. This all came from an instance long ago when her arm was swollen. Wondering what was going on she went to the doctor who lanced what appeared to be a boil on her arm. The doctor announced that a spider had laid eggs in your arm and you are about to be a mother. The doctor said , “My, you are a sound sleeper aren’t you ?” She called her mom and told her mom that she had gotten herself pregnant but that the babies were aborted so she’s not going to be a grandmother right now. ( Spit take ) I might as well stop pussyfooting around and just say it right out loud. My wife doesn’t understand me and she won’t let me have a pet spider. I mean, we been happily married for quite some time now but this is too much. I just can’t have anything nice. I just can’t live with her anymore . I am leaving her for Henrietta and seeing a judge. I plan to marry my jumping spider. My wife said if I get a little spider house and a little jumping spider to live in it and I bring it in the house, she’ll kill it. She said she would step on it and pick it up with a Kleenex and flush it down the toilet. That is spouse abuse to put me through the pain of watching my friend being murdered . There’s a special place in hell for people that would kill a precious sweet little jumping spider. I am kicking her to the curb. …………..My little “ Henrietta “ and I will be quite happy. I think Joan is jealous because Henrietta and I have that special something that my wife and I do not have. Don’t you just won a kiss in his little furry eyeballs. I had no idea that I was married to cruel homicidal maniac that would kill Henrietta. She has no idea how hard it would be for me to go beat the bushes and find a brand-new Henrietta. Maybe I can find a Henrietta and a Henry. I could breed jumping spiders. All I would have to do is open up a jumping spider grotto in the kitchen. That way my spider ranch would be close to warmth and water. Yeah, I can see me sitting back when I’m old and gray. I’ll be reminiscing about how I started my jumping spider ranch with just a couple head of rustled stock. I’ll sit back while sipping on my mint julep with several dancing girls waving palm fans at me and feeding me grapes. I’ll be telling the girls stories about how the ranch is grown to 50,000 head of spiders and life is good. People come to me from all over the world for the quality of my spiders. Of course, it is not all rose garden there’s a lot of work involved in having a spider ranch. You just try driving 50,000 head of jumping spiders to market and see how well you hold up. It’s better though to buy your spiders from a pet store. You want to pick “seed” spiders that match your personality. Maybe a jumping spider that’s not too jumpy. A nice calm relaxed jumping spider. You can’t exactly go out in public with your jumping spider on your shoulder. Somebody’s going to see it and snap it off your shoulder and stomp on it faster jackrabbit on a date.

What a lovely story about your kind partner. I am glad she listens to you every day. I wouldn’t want to be her. Ooops. Sorry. HAHAHAHA.

I am joking.

And this is what I can say, my dear friend.

You have brought about such great memories that I would never have thought about in my lifetime. I hope that our letters show the world that we can be ourselves in a friendship and never be afraid to say what we want to say. And never be judged about your unique narrative.

So, James, I do look forward for more stories about your Henrietta. I have some stories about my KAKA team that fought the fight!

Bring them stories on my friend.

I am listening to Kevin Kern’s, “Children at Play”, right now writing to you. It’s like sitting by the campfire with you again.

What are your Christmas plans?

We will be home; a quiet dinner, NEXT…

OOOOHhh, what was the best thing you got in your stocking from Santa?

For next year, let’s just be the children we are, dear friend. Let’s show the world what friendship once was and still can be.

James Edward’s #21 Letter to Love:

Previous letters between Love and James Edward Young:

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