‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’ Doesn’t Deserve An Oscar But It’s Still Fine, Whatever

It wasn’t 2021’s Best Picture but that’s okay! Seriously!

Marvel Studio head honcho Kevin Feige and Sony chairman Tom Rothman want their new blockbuster Spider-Man: No Way Home to score an Oscar nomination.

The latest movie, starring Tom Holland as everyone’s favorite webhead, is on its way to $1 billion at the box office and it’s almost universally beloved by critics and audiences so why not? The only other superhero movie to ever get a nod from the Academy was 2019’s Black Panther, and in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Feige and Rothman think it’s live-action Spidey’s turn.

This news ignited Marvel junkies on social media who, naturally, think Spider-Man: No Way Home is a masterpiece deserving of a golden statue. I don’t know if you’re familiar with people who really, really, really love Marvel movies but they’re a passionate and loyal bunch who take criticisms of the intellectual properties of The Walt Disney Company very personally.

And I get it. I do. Sort of? Wait, no, I’m a fan! Saturday morning cartoons, spinner rack comic books, read and blue Haloween costumes. I once submitted a short story titled “Spider-Man versus Rhino” to Marvel when I was in fifth grade and got a polite rejection on letterhead decorated with a huge full-color Spider-Man. I don’t want to brag but I’ve adored Spidey my whole damn life. I still have, somewhere, sketchpads filled with primitive drawings of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko’s finest creation. I understand people who grew up deliriously hypnotized by Spider-Man.

Sure, I don’t entirely understand defending a company with revenues of $17 billion during the fiscal year 2021 but I suppose there were plenty of Philistines who cheered Goliath?

I get it though! I do! I swear. I don’t want to hurt any feelings. But I just don’t think Spider-Man: No Way Home deserves an Oscar nomination. Let’s be reasonable here, people. The plot of this $200 million sequel is basically the same plot as an average episode of Bewitched, the famous ’60s sitcom about a suburban witch who is always casting the wrong spells and getting her husband in trouble. Only in Spider-Man No Way Home, Benedict Cumberbatch’s Dr. Strange is Samantha.

That’s right. That’s the plot of the movie. Look, I didn’t think Green Book deserved the 2019 Best Picture Oscar. That was one of those offensively simplistic morality plays that the Academy loves. But at least the plot wasn’t “grouchy wizard messes up magic.”

Don’t say mean things about me on Twitter. I had a choice between being open and lying and I chose radical honesty. This movie, it’s good! Good enough! But, yeesh, it’s not a timeless classic.

Is there more to the plot? Sure. Yes. But it’s still about Peter Parker asking Dr. Strange to erase the memories of everyone in the world because, during the last movie, his secret identity was exposed. If you don’t like the comparison to Bewitched then consider this: Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother is a Sorcerer Supreme.

But that’s not even my only beef. I was drawn to Spider-Man when I was young because he was a wisecracking kid who made mistakes and did whatever he could to fix those mistakes. But Tom Holland’s Spider-Man is a real airhead. He doesn’t make mistakes, he’s like Sideshow Bob from that episode of The Simpson’s where he keeps stepping on rakes and groaning. In Spider-Man: No Way Home, Peter Parker is a gee-shucks doofus who fucks up left and right.

And then there’s the heart-tugging finale that requires Dr. Plot Device’s mystical fingers again. So yeah. I don’t know. There’s plenty of great stuff but the fundamental story is a Galactus-sized eyeball roll.

I was distracted by the bells and whistles though. Although not for long. I think, at this point, it’s okay to spoil Spider-Man: No Way Home so consider this your only warning, but the return of Alfred Molina’s Doc Ock from Spider-Man 2 was mostly a reminder of how great Sam Raimi was as Spider-Director during his second turn.

Speaking of returning villains, Spider-Man: No Way Home’s second big reveal was baddies from the other Spider-Man movies, which were produced by Sony outside of the MCU canon. The first big reveal, of course, is Tom Holland’s Spider-Man is helped out by other Spider-Men, namely, OG Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield, the actor to play Spidey before Holland. How are all these actors from different movies suddenly appearing? Well, glad you asked, here’s the answer: abracadabra!

This cameo-stuffed movie is a literal high-five between Feige and Rothman, a remarkable example of transnational media conglomerate synergy. A “win-win.” As a movie, it’s fun. I liked Spider-Man: No Way Home. Seriously. The action, the actors, the multiverses. Yay, cool. I enjoyed “omg look it’s him!” as much as anyone. It was one of the most sophisticated examples of pop nostalgia ever. The only problem being the old characters oftentimes upstage the new characters.

As the Green Goblin, a de-aged Willem DaFoe is having a great time cackling and smiling. In fact, all the villains who get in-the-flesh screentime, including Jamie Fox’s Electro, are more interesting and kinetic and layered than many of the MCU’s supervillains. I mean, Molina gets a few close-ups and he’s able to convey more rage and humanity than your average CGI-enhanced cyborg lunatic.

There’s also the Spider-Men. It’s nice to be reminded that Toby Maguire brought a heroic innocence to his Peter Parker and that wide-eyed optimism hasn’t dimmed in middle-age. But it’s Andrew Garfield who steals the movie. His Parker is funny, lanky, and sexy, a stammering, confident hybrid of nerd and hunk. Comparatively, Holland comes off as a ripped dumb-dumb who looks a li-i-i-tle too old to be a teen.

I’m not hating. I just want to make that clear. Did you love Spider-Man: No Way Home? Did it move you? Make you cheer or sniffle? Awesome. Your Spider-Opinions are as valid as my Spider-Opinions. And speaking of: Spider-Man: No Way Home is not even the best Spider-Man movie, you know?

That honor goes to Sony’s Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, a Spider-Man movie that deserved its 2019 Best Animated Feature Oscar, and it should have been nominated for Best Picture. That movie is a triumph, it may be the best superhero ever made, period. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is dynamic, inventive, and human. Diverse and slyly political. It is also a living, breathing comic book. Miles Morales is a wonderful character, as well, and the way that movie introduces, and uses, the concept of multiple heroes from multiple dimensions is, somehow, elegant and moving. That movie choked me up.

It isn’t even the best live-action Spider-Man movie, an honor that belongs to Sami, Molina, and Maguire. Spider-Man: No Way Home is certainly not the best MCU movie either (that’s a toss-up between the first Iron Man, Captain America: Winter Soldier, or Oscar-nominated Black Panther, with Ant-Man a hard number two.) My favorite MCU Spider-Movie is the first one, which had too much Iron Man and not nearly enough of Michael Keaton’s Vulture, who would have been good enough for a Raimi movie.

Do you know what’s the best movie of the year? Pig. Licorice Pizza. Summer of Soul. Ma-a-a-ybe The Disciple.

Spider-Man: No Way home is a perfectly good superhero movie though. It’s fine! I mean, it’s no 2018 Oscar winner Shape of Water, which had lots of mutant Aquaman-on-woman sex, at least. Holland’s third outing as your friendly neighborhood wall-crawler was a fun way to spend the end of another frustrating, unpredictable plague year. Of all the Marvel content extruded from the Marvel pipe in 2021, my favorite was Eternals but I know that’s a hot take. I also quite liked Hawkeye, a Disney+ miniseries about The Avenger’s own glowering Robin Hood.

But Spider-Man: No Way Home is not one of the Best Pictures of the year. It doesn’t need to be. This movie just needs to be what it already is, which is lots of thwips! and Zendaya being unbelievably charming and a few rounds of applause for old friends and the promise of more adventure and, apparently, more magic spells gone horribly wrong thanks to Dr. Strange, man witch.