Summary

Michele, a trauma and abuse survivor, details her journey to personal growth and healing through sobriety, self-reflection, and the determination to overcome her past and mental health challenges.

Abstract

Michele, a survivor of trauma, abuse, cancer, and addiction, shares her profound journey towards healing and self-discovery. She recounts her turbulent upbringing in an alcoholic and abusive home, her subsequent struggles with self-esteem, and the cycle of substance abuse she found herself in. The onset of the COVID-19 pandemic and the isolation it brought served as a catalyst for Michele's confrontation with her demons, leading to a pivotal moment of self-realization and a commitment to sobriety. Embracing recovery, she transformed her life by engaging with therapeutic resources, ending toxic relationships, and pursuing new passions such as writing and painting. Her story is a testament to the power of speaking one's truth and the resilience required to navigate the path to healing.

Opinions

Michele believes that her traumatic past, while challenging, has provided her with a roadmap for successful writing and personal growth.
She acknowledges the difficulty of achieving sobriety, especially when faced with life-altering events like her breast cancer diagnosis, but emphasizes the importance of perseverance.
Michele critiques the societal normalization of increased alcohol consumption during the 2020 pandemic, highlighting how it initially enabled her own drinking but ultimately led to her decision to seek sobriety.
She expresses a transformative shift in her life, referring to it as a "cosmic shift," which motivated her to make significant changes, including leaving her dead-end job and pursuing a more fulfilling career.
Michele is adamant about the necessity of cutting ties with her mother, a decision made to protect her sobriety and mental health, demonstrating her commitment to self-care and personal boundaries.
She finds writing and painting to be cathartic activities that have helped her in her healing process and have uncovered a newfound talent.
Michele is proud of her achievements, including being cancer-free, maintaining sobriety, and finding her voice to help others who are struggling, which marks a significant departure from her previous lack of self-worth and inability to complete endeavors.
She encourages readers to subscribe to her Medium channel, suggesting that her story is part of a larger narrative of resilience and healing that others can learn from and find inspiration in.

Speaking Your Truth About Trauma Can Lead to Personal Growth and Healing

This is not just another 2020 drinking story

My name is Michele. I’m a trauma and abuse survivor, cancer survivor, and addiction survivor. I’ve been through the wringer but I’m humble as hell.

Ok, I’m done tooting my horn. I’ll briefly explain my past before I get into the meat and potatoes.

You can read about my trauma here if you want a longer version:

The Day She Wounded My Soul

A tragic, horrific day that ultimately brought peace

medium.com

Trauma is a Roadmap to Successful Writing

Remembering that scared little girl and how my trauma translates to writing.

medium.com

I grew up in a chaotic, alcoholic home that was full of abuse, every single day. It wasn’t always physical but the mental abuse was constant.

For many years, I’ve had low self-esteem and felt unworthy. Even though I said I would never end up like my mom, who is still in active addiction 35 years later, I ended up doing a lot of similar things.

I drank and used drugs to ease all the pain that I felt. I obliterated my social anxiety by inhaling as many substances as possible.

Deeper into self-loathing I went, up until I got pregnant with my first daughter. This was the first time I was forced into taking a break from alcohol and drugs.

The first time I was just plain sober since I was 15, which is 10 whole years of drinking and drugging.

The break was awesome, but I quickly went back, even after my 2nd daughter.

Why? Because it was easier to mask the pain than to look it straight in the eyes, deal with it, and heal.

Fast forward to my last drinking year

Before the lockdown of 2020, I was just another reality tv watching mom that had a dead-end job and no goals or interest in anything.

Somehow the pandemic allowed me to drink.

It was my free pass.

Why? Because 2020.

What do I mean by free pass? Let me explain…

In 2010, I went to rehab for alcohol and drugs. I stayed sober for a year and ½, but I got diagnosed with breast cancer.

This was my first free pass to relapse.

It didn’t happen until after I had a mastectomy and reconstruction. 2 massive surgeries that left me with drains that oozed whatever the fuck was inside, was my way out.

My relapse started way before I took that first drink. I stopped focusing on my recovery after my diagnosis and just felt sorry for myself.

The sneaky monster crept right back into my mind saying…

“You just went through A LOT! You deserve a drink.”

I hated sobriety. I was NOT grateful but I was pretending to be happy. It was exhausting. I was 32 and no one I knew was sober.

That first drink after my surgeries was so good. And, I promised to not let it get out of control. My first love was back and I was determined to keep it around.

This was my third time promising such a thing to my family.

Fast forward a few years and I was sober again. Why? Because I was forced again by my family.

Did I want sobriety? No. Did I NEED it? Hell yes!

Although, after a year I was cured once again and could enjoy a drink. By this time, it was the sneaky devil that was back because he allowed me to drink normally, just on special occasions for a long time.

Alcoholism is cunning and I was in complete denial because I was having so much fun with my friends. Sure, I had some major hangovers but I thought I was holding it all together, which in turn allowed me to drink more.

Back to 2020

Whoa, 2020 was a doozy, for everyone. Everyone was drinking more and the memes were all over social media, making us feel like it was acceptable.

We did a lot of road trip vacations throughout the year, which was the catalyst to my breakdown. In December of 2020, I was spiraling down the self-loathing tunnel of doom.

I hated myself and that just made me want to drink.

After a crazy night with my high school best friend on January 5th, 2021, I kept drinking the next day. I drank all day long and woke up on the 7th, feeling the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

I could see my mother staring back at me in my reflection. My teenagers and my husband witnessed my pit of despair and for the first time in my life, at age 44, I wanted sobriety.

A lightbulb went off and I call it my “cosmic shift”, but whatever it was, I saw the end and the beginning of a new future.

I won’t tell you it was easy, because it wasn't but I immersed myself in recovery for the first year. Every single day I either read about sobriety, listened to a podcast, or went to a meeting.

I quit my dead-end job. This was huge. I was so scared of change, it was just so much easier to stay the same.

I am proud to say that it took a lot of courage to put down the bottle. It took courage for me to quit my dead-end job and pursue a new one but without sobriety, I never would have tried.

I’ve found my voice and desire to help others that are struggling. I took up writing and painting, which is so cathartic, and finding a newfound talent is pretty damn rewarding.

I clawed my way out of that pit of despair, did the work, went to therapy, got my bipolar disorder under control with meds, and I feel like a brand new version of myself.

Tears are coming down my face while I write this because I’ve never been proud of myself. I’ve never finished anything in life, but I am finishing this. It’s a presumptuous statement but I am here to be loud and proud of…

BEING A SURVIVOR!

12 years cancer-free. 14 months sober. 3 months free from the toxic relationship with my mom that never once improved so I cut ties and that was the most freeing thing of all.

If she gets sober, I will give her another chance but until then, I need the space, or my sobriety will be threatened.

So how do you find growth and courage through your pain and grief? You just keep trying in this game of life, no matter what obstacles come your way.

You heal by speaking your truth.

If you liked my story, become a member and subscribe to Medium to read all you want each month, including my articles.

Thanks for reading!

Much love, Michele