MuddyUm Writer’s Challenge
Speaking of Hemorrhoids or Acrostics Can Be a Pain in the Arse
Piling on the puns and prose, where this is going, nobody knows
Hello, hemorrhoids, it’s you guys again. At least by writing about you, I might actually learn to spell your name. One can always hope, can’t one? What is a hemorrhoid you ask? I know. Not for yourself, but for a friend. I don’t have a fancy definition, but I can tell you this much, they’re a pain in the arse.
Everyone knows that when your hemorrhoids are acting up, it’s a good idea to eat low to non-fibrous foods, like pablum, and give the ol’ digestive tract a chance to rest awhile.
My gut tells me to remind you not to strain when you’ve had too much exshitement. We’ve got to learn to relax and let caca pasa. Maybe some humorous literature in the throne room will do the trick. Laughter is after all a great medicine and even a valid yoga practice. And it may very well help loosen things up. After all, if you laugh your arse off, hemorrhoids will no longer be an issue, right?
Ouch is a word often heard when these buggers rear their ugly heads in our rears. I haven’t actually seen mine up close and personal. But my former husband once remarked that it looked like I had a bunch of grapes blooming out my arse. That reminds me of that racehorse from My Fair Lady. His name was Dover. As in, come on Dover, move your bloomin’ arse! That Dover.
Reality check: According to the Mayo Clinic, you’re supposed to eat foods high in fiber to keep stools soft but bulky. This helps avoid straining, which only makes our ‘rrhoids hurt more. They also…
Recommend adding them–high fiber foods–to our diet slowly to prevent becoming a fartisan. I say, if you’re gonna fart anyway, might as well get good at it. Do it with panache and flair. Why be mediocre when you can be a fartisan? Now there’s a true calling. As in who farted? Tell the truth yelled at the top of your lungs.
How do you get them in the first place? The good doctors at the Mayo Clinic say that there are many causes. But they don’t bother to tell us what they are. Does straining cause ‘rrhoids or just aggravate them? Do low-fiber diets cause or just aggravate them? Who knows? They do.
Only they’re not telling. I thought we stopped playing that game in Kindergarten. What do I know?
I know this. I can go for months without them bothering me and then all of sudden, ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Sometimes they shift themselves around when I am sitting still trying to read a book or eat a meal in peace. Scag that!
Do you suffer from hemorrhoids? Do you know how to spell hemorrhoids? Does knowing how to spell hemorrhoids increase or decrease your chances of developing them? What if you can’t spell it correctly without straining to get the letters in the right order and remember that silent H?
So, my friends, this brings me to the conclusion of this sorry little piece. I hope it passes muster for the MWC. May you be blessed with great rectal health and a clear path to your throne room with no turdles blocking your way. After all, you want to take a trip to the bathroom, not on your way there. Let me close with a quote from the Bard himself: All’s well that ends well!
Thank you, Susan Brearley, for inspiring us with the next challenge and big cash prizes!
All proceeds from this story will be donated to ‘Rrhoids Without Borders!
Here’s Ten Templates to Kick-Start Your Humor or Satire
Marilyn Flower writes humor to laugh the changes she wants to see and make. She’s the author of Creative Blogging: Ninja Writers Guide to Character Development and Bucket Listers, Get Your Brave On: How to Do the Thing You’re ‘Too Old’ & ‘Too Scared’ to Do. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Stay in touch!