Speak Your Partner’s Love Language

The 5 love languages

“Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.” ~ Gary Chapman

Dr. Gary Chapman, a well-known family counselor, penned a book that explains his belief that there are five main ways people feel loved. He identified five love languages. (If you and your partner want to find out which love language you speak, you can take the test here: Learn More About Yourself (5lovelanguages.com).

He refers to “love tanks” and how we need to be sure to fill our partner’s love tank. This makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? No one can run on an empty tank, after all.

What are the five love languages?

· Word of affirmation

· Acts of service

· Receiving gifts

· Quality time

· Physical touch

How I know love languages are real

When I heard of love languages, at first, I rolled my eyes. I didn’t have time for nonsense! I was a wife and the mother of two young girls, and I had a to-do list longer than my leg. My first instinct was to shrug it off. My husband and I were just too different, that was what the problem was, clearly.

But when I started to read about it, and especially after my husband and I both agreed to take Dr. Chapman’s test (see link above) to identify what love language the other “spoke,” so many things started to fall into place.

My main love language is acts of service, so that is how I tried to show love to him. I would do things for him. I always got up in the mornings and made his breakfast and lunch. I put notes in his lunch box and helped him take his boots off when he got home. I often rubbed his feet, and I put his clothes out to make the morning easier. I knew he hated getting up early but had to be up before the sun. With all this love I was showering on him, I didn’t understand why he didn’t feel overwhelmingly loved. And I was stumped about why he didn’t reciprocate.

Why wasn’t he doing things for me? Why didn’t he ever lay my towel and washcloth out for me? Vacuum the floor or wash the dishes? Little things like that meant everything to me, and I was doing them ALL for him. He obviously didn’t love me. There was no other explanation. I resented that. Resentment is the mass murderer of relationships.

What I didn’t see was the fact that my husband constantly told me he loved me. That I was doing a good job. That I looked pretty. He would reach out regularly to touch me, like he was checking in. He just couldn’t keep his hands off me. Physical touch and words of affirmation were not my love language. I didn’t recognize those things for what they were. While I was loving him just the right way by making myself a slave, he was loving me the right way by heaping loving words on my head.

Both of us were clueless to the fact that neither of us felt loved because we were loving each other the way we wanted to be loved ourselves. We weren’t showing love the way our partner needed us to.

When we were introduced to the love languages test and started making an active effort to speak the love language our partner needed, it made all the difference.

I now make sure to tell him what an amazing job he’s doing. He’s such a hard worker. He has the drive to succeed like no one I have ever seen, and I had always felt that way. I just didn’t say it because to me, it was obvious! And that was the love language that was his most dominant. Not verbalizing those things to him was killing him.

It didn’t matter how many times I cooked him dinner or made his favorite dessert, he needed to hear positive things from me. I had to make the effort to verbalize the things I appreciated about him.

Physical touch was a close second for his love language, so I started trying hard to see all the times he stopped me for loving touches as what they were. They were more than just an interruption in my long to-do list. (The list he wasn’t helping me with!)

It turns out that once I learned to see all those touches differently, I started to feel the love in them. Nowadays, physical touch is a close second in my own love language.

Meanwhile, he started loading the dishwasher and making me snacks at times. He filled my car when it was empty. He would tidy up the living room and help me cook the dinners I secretly hated making.

We both blossomed. Because you have to do more than love your partner. You have to make sure they feel loved by you. The quickest and best way I have found to do that is to make sure you are speaking the language they can hear.

I will forever be grateful to the person who introduced us to the love language test, and to Dr. Chapman for publishing it in the first place.

What is your love language? More importantly, what love language does your partner need you to speak?

Listed below are the five love languages and a bit more information on each of them, if you’re interested in expanding on that.

Words of Affirmation

This is probably obvious, but Words of Affirmation basically mean speaking simple words of praise to make your partner feel appreciated and seen. Telling them they did a good job, that they look nice, or that you are glad they are in your life can make a person whose love language is Words of Affirmation feel more loved.

Acts of Service

If your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, the best way to make them feel loved is to do the boring stuff: cleaning, cooking, running errands. Anything that they would normally have to take care of being taken off their plate is the best way to make this person feel loved. Are they loading the dishwasher and you know they still need to vacuum? Taking care of that floor for them will leave them starstruck quicker than roses or chocolate.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t take this one wrong. A person whose love language is receiving gifts doesn’t need anything extravagant or so expensive you can’t afford it. In fact, the little things that don’t cost much but that make it obvious you were thinking of them will be just the ticket. A wildflower on the side of the road reminds you of your lady? Stop and pick her some. Does your man love a Snickers bar? Stop and grab him one. Have you been on a trip to work? Bring your significant other a small trinket to let them know you were on their mind.

Quality Time

If your partner needs quality time to feel loved, your presence is all that is needed. And by your presence, I don’t mean you sitting next to them while you’re doing something else. Your focus has to be on them, or something you’re doing together. A conversation about life goals. A show you both love watching on Netflix. Just make sure you talk to your partner about what quality time means to them.

Physical Touch

Physical touch is clearly touching one another. If your partner craves skin-to-skin contact, be sure you take the time to hold their hand or wrap your arm around them. Kissing and hugging will be especially important to them. Physical contact in public may mean the most to them, making them feel connected to you in a way that they crave. Of course, always make sure you clearly understand your partner’s views on this.