Friendship is a gift and not a curse.

Sorting the wheat from the chaff

Friendship shouldn’t be synonymous with hardship.

If there’s one thing adversity does, it’s to sort out your friends from your enemies. Okay, maybe enemies is a bit harsh. I mean, it’s not as if your suddenly former friends are sniping at you from rooftops (or one would sincerely have to hope not!) But you know what I mean, right? The moment the shit hits the fan, there’ll be those people who are right there alongside you to help dig you out, while others will be conveniently absent for the duration, and yet others again will be shoveling shit at you rather than with you.

This isn’t a recent revelation. In fact, it’s an unfortunately all-too-common experience for me. Trouble comes and I suddenly find myself with a great deal fewer friends and acquaintances than I appeared to have before the trouble, although I might also point out that I’m not one to particularly care very much. I don’t bind my friends and there’s no obligation so, if they want to scarper once the going gets a little tough? Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say, and one less burden should the zombie apocalypse happen to strike.

The truth is that genuine friendship shouldn’t be hard. If it’s hard, chances are it isn’t really friendship but something else a whole lot less than beneficial to one or both parties. Genuine friendship should flow naturally and without conscious thought. That isn’t to say that it doesn’t require at least some effort but that it shouldn’t really feel like effort. If you’re feeling burdened to make the effort from the beginning, you’re probably pushing shit uphill and it’ll eventually bury you.

In case you were wondering if I’m just blowing smoke out of a hole in my head, let me enlighten you with a couple of examples.

Medium

Discovering Medium has been like discovering a whole new world and a whole new family. There’s support here amongst like-minded people that I never anticipated and some of those people have become far more than simply acquaintances via the platform. It’s been an organic process, one that’s very difficult to either define or pinpoint to a specific start. When did they begin? That’s a huge shrug right there, folks. No idea. They simply happened. Comments became chats became PN’s became Discord or emails offsite and finally, in one recent surprise event, even an unexpected personal visit!

The point is, these friendships weren’t planned. They simply happened because that’s the way friendship works. You’re drawn to each other naturally, communication is fluid and effortless, you get each other without even really trying, and you like each other without necessarily being able to say how or why.

The Vampire-Friend

This is the friend who became a friend because you opened the door and let them in. Like a vampire. They aren’t really a friend but you find yourself feeling oddly obligated to make them a friend without really knowing why. Pity? Which maybe started out as sympathy or empathy? Peer pressure? A sense of obligation or duty? You really have nothing in common and every single interaction with them feels like a chore and not a pleasure. There are deep sighs when you recognize it’s them calling or when they turn up on your doorstep. You find yourself having to reason yourself into engaging or interacting with them and you’re exhausted when you part company again. They drain you of your time and energy and take far more than they ever give.

They’re also the first to turn up when they think there’s something in it for them, the first to have an opinion when shit is going down, noticeable in their absence when they’re no longer the center of attention, and the most likely to talk dirt behind your back with the morsels of juicy personal info they’ve gleaned from you while you were trying to be a friend. We all know them. We’ve all had them. We all struggle with letting them go.

No struggle here. You only get to bite once. Life is way too damn short for faux friends and I have absolutely NO issue with cutting loose the dross. Done. Dusted. Friend no more.

This did, in fact, happen very recently and there are some deliciously juicy tales circulating around town that are about as anchored in truth as any of Kim Jong-un’s pompous claims. Funny thing about small towns, though; stories always come full circle and anonymity isn’t ever an option. (You don’t think I know where the tales began? Trust me. I know.)

The Instant Friend

That somebody who walks in and seems to have always been there, as if you haven’t only just met but simply haven’t seen each other for a while even though you absolutely know that isn’t the case. My unexpected Medium visitor from Singapore (yes, looking straight at you, Janet!) was exactly like that. We met at the airport having never spoken in person before and she was instantly yet another sister and another member of the family. There was no settling-in period, no getting to know one another; she just slipped right in and made herself at home, and it was easy. She’s gone back to Singapore now but I don’t miss her because she hasn’t really left; she belongs.

Friends are a Choice

Friends aren’t an obligation; they’re a choice! They’re not hard. They’re not a burden. They’re not stressful. If they are, then they’re not real. It’s that simple. And better to have fewer friends who are genuine ones than more friends who are more like spies, double agents, and assassins! If you find yourself wary, stressed, or anxious about your friends, do yourselves a favor and trade them in. You owe nobody friendship. It either happens or it doesn’t and if you find yourself having to work for it; it doesn’t actually exist.

Recent events have thinned the ranks a little. I like that. Saves culling. And I’d rather know who my real friends are sooner rather than later and preferably before I’m counting on them to save me from a burning wreck or something, you know? It’s a bit late to know a friend ain’t a friend when it’s because you’re looking at their back while you’re in the process of sliding off a cliff! Fortunately for me, I’m well aware of who my real friends are and I have no limitations on adding more to the whanau. Friendship’s free, until it isn’t, at which point it’s no longer a friendship.

Come on in, make yourselves at home; let’s be friends.

To all of you fabulous writers out there,

Kia kaha and aroha nui. 💞

Fighting! 👊