Sorry Is a Four Letter Word

For those with an Anxiety disorder, saying sorry becomes excessive

For many people managing an anxiety disorder, Sorry has become a four letter word. And I certainly use it way too often.

I have been managing an anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. I have always thought of myself as a compassionate person, a people-pleaser and slight perfectionist.

Because of these traits, coupled with anxiety, saying sorry has become my compulsion whenever anything may seem a little awry.

I have even found myself using the classic apology for apologizing, which is often a death sentence for my self respect and well-being. I will ruminate over many conversations for hours after they happen, re-running what I should have said over and over.

My compassion for others is very strong. Also, my worrying and second guessing is even stronger. “I’m sorry” is often used in situations where it is completely unnecessary, losing it’s gravity, and causing more annoyance than usefulness.

When you have an anxiety disorder you have the habit of running through a million “What if” scenarios in your head, which is causing the “I’m sorry” reflex. You just want to make sure you are covered if anything might be wrong. Or if anything you said might not be well received.

Sorry becomes a form of conflict avoidance. In a way, you are trying to clear your anxious mind of any wrongdoing. In reality, you are making things worse.

What saying sorry too much is doing:

Lowering your self-esteem

Leading statements with “Sorry, but” is basically lowering your self esteem. You think so little of yourself that you immediately assume everything is your fault. You must be the problem.

I know you think you are showing you’re compassion and emotion, but in reality it has become a useless reflex. By continuing this behavior you are lowering your self worth and lessening the value of your opinion each and every time.

Losing respect

Over-apologizing is causing others to lose respect for you and your opinion. By constantly apologizing you are being viewed as a timid, small, submissive person. Your opinion will not hold any value if you continue to lead with, “Sorry, but….”.

This is one of my major flaws, during meetings at work, I will interject with a “Sorry, but…” and find that my opinion or comment will fall flat and be brushed aside. My point of view has been de-valued so much because of it’s timid, submissive overall nature. This frustrates me, but again, I bring this on myself, it won’t change until I change.

The sincerity of the apology is all but gone

Apologizing for everything, all day, every day is very similar to the boy that cried wolf. You say it so often that it has no meaning at all anymore. People will begin to not even hear the “Sorry” that comes out of your mouth.

I have recently discovered that in both work and life, I have all but lost the sincerity of my sorry. Even with my girlfriend, my sorry statements have lost their feeling. She just rolls her eyes as if she’s heard it a million times, and she has, and now it means nothing to her. I simply can’t overcome this insincerity unless I can curb my excessive use of saying sorry.

Turning a strength into a weakness

By saying “I’m sorry” so often you have turned this into a character flaw. Apologizing can be a strength when used appropriately, when it garners meaning and weight in a situation. It can be used to show true compassion in the moment.

Use it too often and it becomes a weakness, an automatic reply used mainly to avoid conflict.

What to do to fix your sorry habit

Take a moment

First off, you will need to start being more conscious of your habit. This will be tough at first but will get easier with time. Before you speak about anything, take a moment and assess the situation.

Using this brief moment gives me time to realize that I was probably about to apologize first, or at least get there in the end. I take a moment and can alter my response or statement to something a little less apologetic.

Know when it’s appropriate to apologize

Sure, there are going to be plenty of times when a thoughtful “I’m sorry” is needed. You may bump into someone, or knock some coffee over in the breakroom, or make a mistake at work.

The main point is that you need to learn to identify when these apologies are necessary, and when they aren’t. Using the above tip of taking a moment will also help you gain perspective and give yourself time to see what is necessary in the situation. In the majority of times, no apology is needed.

Save it

Certain times, when an apology is called for, it’s still not mandatory. Just save it. If you didn’t have any control over the situation, don’t apologize for it. You may feel like you are being a big jerk but most often it will go unnoticed.

Also, if you have already apologized for something once, don’t keep doing it again and again. One apology is enough, save the rest of them.

Turn your sorry into another statement

This one is pretty common advice, you can turn your sorry into a different statement. Instead of immediately apologizing when interjecting into a conversation, try leading with “Excuse me”, or “May I just say…”.

Using “thank you” can also be a good substitute. Next time you make a small mistake, start by saying, “Thank you for noticing, or Thank you for your understanding…”. It may be a small change, but it makes all the difference in the world.

Recent personal results

I have taken these steps and integrated them into my own life recently, and the results have been nothing short of amazing. Changing my perspective on saying sorry has made a huge difference in my life.

I have begun to save most of my sorry statements. I sometimes feel a bit crass being so unapologetic. But, I have noticed that my words have started to gain their meaning back. I’ve learned that it’s ok to be stronger and unapologetic in my statements so they carry more weight when I say them.

Of course I still apologize when it’s necessary but I have also started to learn the gravity of an apology when it is truly meaningful.

It’s like when comedians talk about how timing is everything in comedy. Gravity is everything in apologizing. This knowledge of the weight of a sincere apology is leading to it becoming a strength for me.

I will eventually become the guy that only apologizes when it is truly called for, and it will really mean something when it happens.

Constantly being the easy-going, conflict avoiding, “sorry person” is annoying, for everyone.

Save your apologies for when you really mean them…