Dog Lover

Sometimes You Have to Poop in the House

Lesson 67: Duties come first

This story was written by Keke, author and potentate of Keke’s Guide to Training Your Human.

The other day, Daddy and I took a walk around the neighborhood. After we returned home, I pooped on a pee-pee pad in the corner of the dining room. Daddy was not happy.

“Keke,” he said. “We were outside for almost half an hour. Why did you poop inside? That pad was only there for emergencies.”

Clearly, there was a miscommunication. Couldn’t he see how busy I was? I packed two hours’ worth of responsibilities into that half hour, and he rushed me to finish before we got home.

Perhaps it would help if I explained my vast array of obligations.

From the moment I step outside, smells, sounds, tastes, and sights bombard my senses. Some are familiar, others are foreign. I cannot study them all at once, so I shunt many aside for later investigation.

I quickly complete an inspection to secure the borders. If any intruders are present, they need to be ejected — within the constraints of that blasted leash.

Darn, you silly bipeds! You hire me to do a job and then stop me from finishing it!

If there are no current interlopers, I can sniff the ground to determine who crossed the lines of demarcation since my last walk. Some are friends, some are foes, and some are just interesting. Did we really have 213 earthworms come up for air during the rain last night?

I check friends’ scents for health. I identify and catalog any unknown ones.

There are sounds everywhere: humans, machines, animals, birds, insects, etc. A constant distraction, even if not relevant to the task at hand.

And the sights! Aside from the squirrels who think they own the place, hawks and buzzards float on the updrafts, yellow Warblers flit from tree to tree, and Cardinals nest in our Oak. Depending on the season, butterflies, bees, and dragonflies crisscross yards and gather around flowers to pollinate, gossip, or do whatever else they do.

And that’s just our yard. Multiply that by thirty or forty on a typical walk.

So forgive me if I’m a little distracted when we go walking. I have bigger fish to fry.

Like the one shown below, which we found on our deck one morning. The remains pictured were eight inches long (no kidding!), although the nearest lake is almost a quarter mile away! I filed this under ‘M’ for mysteries. Or perhaps that should be for murder?

Duties come first. Doodies come later. Isn’t that our agreement?

Perhaps this little song will help explain it better:

Keke’s Busy-ness

I’m late, I’m late! For a job that cannot wait. I’m sorry if you’re miffed, but I mostly taste and sniff. I hate debate on stuff they ate But really must investigate That’s why I took a whiff!

No, no, no, no, no. No time to pee or poop, I fortify and snoop, I track and act and check the facts, And then I must regroup. Whoops!

I’m late, I’m late! No time for big debate. So much to chew and sniff and do — My sample plate is worth the rate Although you often hesitate — That’s why I’m in a stew! Whew!

I’m late, I’m late! Can’t you see I’m late?

This lesson was inspired by Casey’s story on Medium by Lu Skerdoo:

I think we may need the help of the Maximum Murph Detective Agency to investigate the mysterious fish that showed up on our porch, eh Laurie Leiker?

If you enjoyed this story, here’s another from Keke Van Camp you might enjoy:

Tagging some of my favorite authors on Medium (please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed): Dawn Ulmer, Trisha Faye, Freya V. Locke, Patricia O'Neill, Judy Haratz Cohen, Jan Sebastian 🖐👩‍🦰

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