Sometimes Who We Think We Want Leads Us To Find The One We Love
A true story where I closed the window of uncertainty and opened the door to clarity and assuredness
Not a minute would pass from the moment I walked in from my afternoon college classes, and he would be calling me. He would call for no other reason but to check up on me and talk about anything and everything under the sun.
I don’t even remember how I met Sebastian. As fellow international students, we typically bonded easily being away from the people, food, and cultures we dearly missed.
Sebastian and I became close friends spending an endless amount of time together: hanging out at our apartments, going to our “Latino” parties together, college football games, or just studying. He was often the one talking, and I was the one listening.
This went on for over a year — in fact, the timeline and friendship are somewhat of a blur.
A few friends started questioning whether we were an “item” with that tilted head, squint in their eyes, and smirk on their lips.
It was then I knew — I couldn’t be the only one wondering where this was headed.
Background
I was 20 years old in my second year of college and had never had a boyfriend.
Did I want one? Was I ever in love or have a crush before this? Did I watch all my friends flirt and be flirted with? Was I around dozens of friends who had numerous boyfriends and girlfriends over the years? Did I wish to be hit on?
Sure —yes — to all of the above.
But no one in college (I was remotely interested in) actively made a concerted effort to date me. The first and last time a cute someone really tried to date me was when I was 13 yrs old, and my parents quickly extinguished that fire.
The pursuer was 6–7 years older than I, and Dad sat my sister and me down for the talk — the “I was a young man once upon a time, and I know exactly what these guys are thinking about” talk. It was as clear as mud.
Conundrum
Fast forward to my college days, and this young man wishes and pursues to spend this much time together — with just me. So, what’s the first thing I think?
Well, maybe he likes me — the way I like him?!?!
“I’m answering his calls always, I’m willing to spend all this time with him — surely he gets the picture.”
Keep in mind that I’ve always had very close “male” friends who were platonic. However, none of those friends actively sought to spend the kind of time alone, with me — the way this guy did.
And yet —he never made a single physical or verbal advance.
I had it
Over a year of this, and don’t ask me why one random day in April 1996, I had — had it.
I want off the yo-yo. I am done.
I have absolutely NO idea what in the world this dude wants out of this relationship! I know I am emotionally, mentally, and somewhat physically attracted to him.
But, I’m not playing this guessing game any further. So, I picked up the phone and dialed his number — he answers.
“Mira Sebastian — I need to speak to you and tell you something. Are you free right now?”
“…um — is everything okay?!”
“Yes — I just need to talk to you, and I need it to be tonight — now.”
“Yeah, no problem — I’ll be here.”
We lived in the same apartment complex, so I marched my butt right over with determination and fuming irritability. There was not an ounce of hesitation in my step to finally lay this weight off my shoulders and be free of uncertainty.
I am not playing this guessing game any further
The Swing Conversation
He must have been dying of curiosity because he wasn’t even waiting inside his apartment for me to show up. He just sat out on his porch swing, swinging his merry self, waiting for me to arrive.
I did not waiver nor falter from the mission I was on. I lay bare my secret…
“Sebastian, I have no idea what your intentions are. While I greatly appreciate our friendship and enjoyed getting to know you, I DO like you — in THAT way. I don’t see you as “just a friend,” and the amount of time that we spend together is way too confusing to my heart and mind. I need distance and time away from you. Please don’t call me nor seek me out — I need my space.”
Two weeks later…
“Nat — are you not coming over?!!”
“OMG — Julie, I am so sorry! I am headed over!”
It was the end of the semester, and Julie wanted me to meet her chemistry lab TA who was so funny and smart. Julie was interested in a new guy every 6 months, so this was nothing new. To my embarrassment, she was calling to know, where was I.
Yikes — I totally forgot!
I felt terrible for keeping Julie and Cathy, my freshman year roomie, waiting along with their “special guest,” Chemguy.
I had no time to shower or change my raggedy everyday clothes. I washed my face, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, and rushed out the door to get this engagement out the way.
Dinner was lovely. Julie and Cathy dominated the conversation as the big talkers that they are. The Chemguy, who sat to my left, shared just enough to be personable and yet remained quiet enough to be mysterious.
We all bid farewell — each of us headed in different directions.
Months later, I would be staring into this Chemguy’s eyes as he nervously asked me — “Would you marry me?”
The months between the dinner and this proposal is another fascinating story — for another time and place.
Reflection
Our hearts and minds need to be open and ready for when that special someone knocks at our door. There are fewer times that I’ve loved myself more than the time I stood up for my heart and cut out a person who was suffocating the life out of me.
I made the necessary room to notice the beautiful human being who walked into my life less than a month later.
He — on the other hand — did pursue me with passion, determination, and certainty like none other. It was crystal clear.
If I had kept waiting for the “possible,” I would have not seen nor opened the door to the “certain.”
This story is nonfiction. Names have been changed to protect their privacy. Thank you for reading. I want to give special thanks to Michele Maize (The Sober Vegan Yogi) who challenged me to write about my first love. While this isn’t technically my first — this led to my first boyfriend and eventual husband, who is still at my side.
Passing on the love that Michele shared with me — I challenge Dana Leigh Lyons, Riley McLynn, and Rajeshwari to share an answer: how did you experience or know what love is now to you? Or what was your first love like?