LIFE LESSONS, INFIDELITY

Sometimes Two Wrongs Make A Right

How a failed marriage and an affair led to an awakening.

It was a double whammy.

About the same time my marriage ended, my affair came to an end as well.

My marriage was over long before I left, but the act of moving out is when the loss felt real.

Not long after I moved out, the relationship with Mr. Affair ended too. And although both endings were painful, the one with Mr. Affair hit me the hardest. He had ignited a spark in me that I didn’t know existed, or at least hadn’t felt in a very long time.

The Coldplay song “Adventures of a Lifetime” was on the radio non-stop at the time. It summed up the way the relationship felt:

“Turn your magic on, to me she’d say Everything you want’s a dream away… Oh, you make me feel Like I’m alive again”

Dead or Alive

The feeling I had with Mr. Affair was indeed magic. It was an aliveness that made me feel more elevated than I had in a long time. I felt it all over my body like all my cells were jumping for joy.

Needless to say, the loss of Mr. Affair, coupled with the loss of my marriage, left me in a crap ton of pain. Not only was my heart broken, but it felt like my lungs and a few other vital organs were damaged as well. I honestly felt it both emotionally and physically. The pain was excruciating and consumed my entire chest cavity. My insides felt like a dead, dark hole.

I know a lot of people will say, “That’s your karma, Kasey. You’re a cheater. Serves you right.”

And although that may be true, it’s not terribly helpful. Shame has never been a healthy motivator to behave differently. What I needed was to heal what was broken inside me so I wouldn’t ever do it again.

Born to be Alive

In my search to find healing, I came across the book Living in the Light, by Shakti Gawain. In it, she writes that relationships are mirrors of what’s already inside of us. If what she says is true, the relationship with Mr. Affair was just mirroring a love and aliveness that was already there.

This was an aha moment. The love and aliveness I felt didn’t come from him. Those feelings were already within me. I was born to feel alive on my own.

Keep Yourself Alive

But how could I bring to the surface that spark and aliveness on my own? As I thought about this, I had a flashback to a college friend. Her family had a dog named Nitro, short for Nitroglycerin, a medicine used to heal physical heart pain. I don’t remember the exact circumstances but the dog’s name was chosen because he was to be medicine for their hearts.

This is exactly what I needed as well — my own Nitro — something that I could access every day to heal what was broken inside me and keep myself feeling alive and loved.

Finding my own Nitro became my mantra.

Awake and Alive

But where could I find this heart-healing Nitro? Although it may have worked for my friend, I knew it shouldn’t come in the form of a pet or anything outside of myself. It had to come from somewhere else.

Then I remembered one time I asked a friend what brought him joy. He answered,

“Being at peace with myself, liking, and knowing who I am. Everything else rises up from there.”

This was yet another aha moment. My lack of self-knowledge and self-love gave rise to entering into a marriage that was wrong for me.

My affair was the beginning of my awakening to greater self-knowledge. But with the affair, I was looking for love in the wrong place. To turn this around, I needed a healthy dose of self-love, which would then awaken the love and aliveness already inside me.

Finding my Nitro then became about finding ways to better know and love myself.

Alive and Kicking

I began this quest by asking myself some questions. What brings me joy? What makes me feel alive? What am I drawn towards? My feelings of joy, love, and aliveness are connections to who I really am and to what matters to me.

After I spent some time answering these questions, I began to discover what my soul needs to feel happy. I began to know myself better and to find ways to show myself love. I began to feel an aliveness stirring within me.

I was finding my Nitro.

And to keep these feelings alive and kicking, I realized I needed to carve out some time every day to do at least one thing that made me feel alive and to show myself love. For this to become a habit, I needed to make it a daily practice.

So I began to sneak things in here and there. And I found sometimes all I needed was to spend five minutes dancing in the kitchen to old ‘70’s disco hits to feel alive and let the love inside me bubble out. Every time I did so, I found myself smiling.

Staying Alive

What I understand now is that a healthy amount of self-love and self-knowledge keeps me from looking for love in all the wrong places. And I need to practice both to stay in a state of aliveness.

What I also understand now is that love and aliveness were always inside me and will always be with me. They can never be taken away. I will carry them with me into every relationship. And those I decide to bring into my life will be there to enhance and expand the love and aliveness I already have within myself.

The Buddha summed this up well when he said this:

“You yourself, as much as anyone else in the universe, deserve your love and affection.”

As I continue on my path of healing, I know I’ll keep discovering new ways to find my Nitro.

I think I’ll be using this mantra for a long time.

Thank you for reading. To quote Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If you’d like to join me on the journey, click here. If you’d like to access thousands of writers and their soul-stirring stories on Medium, click here.

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