Sometimes it’s important to feel uncomfortable
And I’m fine with that
A good friend once told me that my attitude to men’s discomfort about the #metoo movement is part of the problem with feminism
You see, I openly expressed my lack of empathy about men’s discomfort as they learn to navigate a world where women are not openly oppressed
I said to my friend that the discomfort is a normal part of the process of change, and I don’t feel sad about that
I made it clear that if men were now feeling a small portion of the discomfort that I had experienced over my lifetime that was absolutely fine with me
My friend is an old retired police officer — he would say a cranky old bastard — and from his perspective, he saw men who were doubling down on their anger towards women, creating greater risk of violence and aggression. He’s right — but that doesn’t mean that modern feminism is getting it wrong.
It’s not my job to make men feel comfortable about how uncomfortable they’ve made me
It was not lost on my friend that he had mansplained to me how to be a better feminist. When I brought it up again this week, many months after the original conversation, he looked at me with a guilty expression and laughed — obviously he has done some of his own reflection following our conversation, just as I did.
“When you’re accustomed to privilege equality can feel like oppression”
I wish I knew who coined this phrase — I’ve searched for the author but it seems to be a mystery of the internet. If you happen to know its origin please let me know.
Of course, shifting the balance of power is likely to make those who are accustomed to power and privilege feel threatened. It can feel like lifting one group by pushing another down.
I don’t have to feel sad about this. In fact, I don’t feel sad at all.
I do, however, feel for the women who are suffering at the hands of men who, when they feel threatened, are accustomed to behaving aggressively towards women
Most of us consider ourselves to be good people. We draw the line on the other side of whatever it is we think is acceptable.
Most of us believe we work hard, and it’s our hard work that has led to our success. We don’t acknowledge that the majority of people work hard. It’s easier to believe that we succeed through effort rather than privilege.
Most of us believe that we’re not racist, or sexist, or homophobic, or hold any other form of prejudice — but if we listen really hard to our own words, we can hear ourselves using language that gives away our core beliefs
I still sometimes catch myself using words that have long been used to denigrate women. To put women in their place. They are so much a part of the lexicon of the place where I grew up I don’t even realise I’m using them until I hear myself say them out loud. I was taught to use sexist language, to laugh at sexist jokes, because if I internalised the sexism it maintained the status quo.
I feel uncomfortable when I hear sexist language because I remember how in the past I used my internalised misogyny to reinforce the oppression of other women
I should feel uncomfortable about that, and examine my behaviour, and do everything I can to change
If I should, so should the men around me
And no, I don’t and will never feel sad about that discomfort, because it is the only way we will change
The discomfort means that we are changing
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