Sometimes It’s Healthy to Scream “Fuck Off” at People in Your Life
Story of how I got my voice back and felt empowered as fuck
A few weeks ago I flipped out on my sister. Not a big deal for others, big deal for me. It made me feel so many things! It was a crazy rollercoaster of emotions from sadness, anger to feeling like I’m on the top of the mountain. All at the same time.
Prehistory
Early on I found my 12 years older sister intimidating. She in a way took over a parent's role as our mother unfortunately wasn't the parent of the year for decades.
For example, every time I got my school report my sister meticulously went through it and interrogated me about why I had low grades in some subjects. That would continue into a long monologue about why I should do better as it's important for my future and stuff.
Shit that usually parents do, not a sibling. But, yeah our mother didn't give fuck.
As years went on it became a serious part of her personality to give unwelcomed opinions on basically anything, even if she doesn't have experience with it. Preaching the “right” way how to do things and classic “If I were you I would do this and I wouldn't let that happen”.
Although I recognize it was mostly coming from a good place and thoughts to make my life easier and have more opportunities, to encourage me to be better, and so on.
But not always do good intentions end up being good for another person. It might do the opposite. As the saying goes what’s good for fish that’s poison for goose or something alike.
All this pressure from her resulted in me being constantly anxious and freezing around her. Trying to be smaller, less visible, talking less so she wouldn't ask me questions and there would be less chance of me saying or doing something wrong in her opinion, therefore, avoiding a needless confrontation from her.
Every interaction was me nodding and “agreeing” to whatever she said. Lying if there was something I assumed she wouldn't like.
And praying to all gods to end this torture faster even if it was actually a nice friendly chat. Because the body and mind’s reaction to it was as if I was in grave danger. Which came with “nice” perks of anxiety- racing thoughts, nausea, diarrhea, sweating, heart palpations, and so on.
That resulted in me trying hard to avoid contact with her, but then once in blue moon, she would call or announce a visit.
The bastardly glorious day I stood up for myself
So a few weeks ago the doomsday came and she called me. Asked how other family members and I are doing and so on. And then said, you should come and visit your nephews and if you wish you can come tomorrow as the oldest one is at home with a cold.
And I was ok, I’ll come!
In my head checking the mental box of “Visit sister once a year to be left alone the rest of the time.” Kaching!
I came, chilled out with the kid - played games, went for walk, beatboxed. The usual business of cool aunty and bugger-eating kiddo.
Sister few times popped up from her home office to check on us for a brief moment, so no big interaction. No indication of the approaching storm.
After a few hours of being the cool aunt, my sister and I went to the hallway for farewell. Well, there was nothing well about this farewell!
As usual, she says I should come again and other classical blab-bery, and then she fixates her gaze on my upper arm, pinches it lightly, and says, “You should lose some weight.”.
“Oh, fuck there she goes again,” I thought and something turned on in my brain. I went from a zero to a motherwrecking Hulk. I couldn't stop the metamorphosis, the trigger was set off.
In a split second through my mind went “WTF is happening” and in the next unconsciously out loud from my mouth went, “It’s not your business!”.
She went for a kick with a cool demeanor “I’m concerned as later it may get harder to lose and worsen the health.”.
“Oh, god you have been obsessed with thinness all your life, just leave me alone!”.
“I just mean well for you.”.
“Well, depression isn’t helpful for... And… ” I stumbled upon my own words, confused and tired of justifying myself in front of a person who doesn't listen, ”… shut up!”
“Please, keep your voice down. You can ask our nephew to help you with a training plan and I can help with…”.
“I didn't ask you for help! If I had then yeah, but I didn't! So fucking stop!”.
So it went forth and back. It was like a boxing match in one corner me- an insecure amateur boxer. In the opposite corner my sister- a calm, self-assured world champion.
For every “Shut the fuck up” punch, she had an unbreakable “but I care about you” block or perfected to a T unsolicited advice punch.
Probably we could stand there for hours and hours. But you can’t win against a person who’s in the professional league of ignorance. Who chooses to ignore my pleads of mercy and keeps overstepping my boundaries.
So I chose to do what I never did before when confronted by her- to leave and on top of it with a bang.
I screamed in her face “Fuck off!”. Rushed for the doors and without looking at her firmly said, “Goodbye!”.
I was out on the street overflown with emotions and tears.
Confused about what just happened.
Angered and sad as the gates of “Always too much or too little, but never good enough!” were wide open. Flooding my mind with all the memories of where I was made small and dumb as there is only one right way how to do things and it was hers.
Disappointment as she hasn’t changed a bit.
But also feeling victorious and so fucking proud of myself for standing up for myself against her for the first time.
Hearing my voice- loud and powerful was out of a world experience!
No freezing. No big ass anxiety. No nodding in agreement hoping her lecturing will end sooner if I agree to every nonsense she says.
Freedom.
Afterthoughts
Some people need the good old “Fuck off” screamed in their face.
But on a serious note. Was this the perfect reaction? Hell no.
As per psychology, I should have been calm and collected, and not let her go under my skin. Use techniques that keep me out of the roles of victim and abuser by being the neutral adult.
Might be boring, but probably more fruitful in resolving disputes.
But not always it's doable as in my situation it was an automatic reaction to decades-long pressure from her. The talk therapy did a tremendous job of getting me from an anxious and nodding pushover to a Hulk-esque screaming beast who’s done being timid and has started to put boundaries.
There was no middle ground only the big bang that was needed for my liberation.
To let out years of long-suppressed pain and emotions.
To scream because I was never listened to.
To firmly demand boundaries to be respected.
To allow me to be me with all my strengths and flaws by taking off the gray mask that she accepts and showing the real me.
To find out that I have hoarded hidden pain and resentment towards her. Therefore now I have a chance to resolve it within myself and move on with a bit lighter baggage than before.
I believe the next altercations will be more manageable with less screaming and highs of emotions.
As of now, I have proven to myself that I can trust myself to stand up for myself and I’m capable of putting boundaries and leaving when violated without freezing and betraying myself as in past. I’m slowly moving on from being a damsel in distress to being my own superheroine.