Sometimes Hope Hurts, Badly
KTHT November prompt: What it’s like to love in the face of pain
They say opposites attract.
In our case, it is true. While my partner is a driven, vibrant, and outgoing individual, I, on the other hand, am quiet, reserved, and not inclined to overt displays of excitement or enthusiasm.
I am one of those who are clueless about gracefully handling good news probably because I feel I don’t deserve it or that it may have mistakenly come my way.
Also, I have this annoying tendency to approach things with a veneer of pessimism and am reluctant to grant myself permission to hope because I have experienced the hurt hope can bring.
It is a protective mechanism — an emotional barrier built watching firsthand what happens when a tiny flame sparks in the hidden corners of your mind, and you quietly nurture it, dreaming and dreaming some more, only to see it abruptly extinguished before it could become reality.
When this happens time and time again, you develop a certain emotional detachment to things, particularly happy tidings, perhaps to mask a deep inherent sadness.
I am sure this behavior has come across as perplexing. Perhaps even a tad frustrating although my partner seems unfazed by it or even if he does, never lets on.
Next week, we are embarking on our first vacation together as a couple. Even though this has been weeks in the planning, the truth is I did not give myself permission to hope that this wonderful event really is happening.
It was only when a close friend called me up and asked me how my preparations were coming along that it struck me that I had not done much.
In fact, every time my mind forayed into the realm of daydreaming, I’d deny myself those joy-filled moments out of fear. Fear that said moments would never come to fruition.
Fear that I would jinx something beautiful, something that I crave with every fiber of my being just for permitting myself to envision what could be.
The fact that I have yet to decide what to pack, or schedule appointments to get my hair and nails done is not reflective of a conflicted mind but rather waiting with bated breath for the other shoe to drop.
The first shoe dropped a while ago when we had just begun to make plans. It had nothing to do with either of us or what we feel for each other but with the circumstances or more specifically, people beyond our control.
I want to give credit to my partner for always finding the positive in a given situation, a “We will figure it out” mindset— the cornerstone of our relationship — that is at once reassuring and comforting.
Today, a seemingly minor issue blew up into epic proportions on the family front and the resulting overflow is threatening to derail the plans for the upcoming week.
While a part of me, a mean part, was only too eager to say “I told you so,” another part of me wondered why these things picked the worst timing possible to happen.
I mean the day or week or never after would have been ideal but no, that would make it too easy, wouldn’t it?
Good things have never happened in my life without the extraction of the proverbial pound of flesh. At other times, nothing happened even with the requisite compensation measured in heartache.
However, I am realizing there is a distinct quality about this love that my previous relationships lacked particularly in the face of challenges.
This time around, whenever I find myself faltering from the weight of life and family, there is someone behind me ready to step in and quietly assume the role of being my pillar of support, becoming the wind beneath my wings.
Yes, the world may feel heavy and yet here I am, soaring.
More from Yana
