Sometimes Doing Right Hurts

Summary

The context describes a difficult decision made by a woman to place her mother, who has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and is unable to care for herself, into a nursing home, despite her mother's reluctance and the emotional toll it takes on both of them.

Abstract

The narrative centers on the heart-wrenching choice faced by the daughter of the author's best friend (BFF), who has terminal cancer. The BFF, after a second occurrence of cancer in her brain, underwent surgery and rehabilitation but has since deteriorated, losing her ability to live independently. The daughter, armed with medical power of attorney, must balance her professional responsibilities with the need to ensure her mother's well-being. The author, having witnessed the BFF's decline and the daughter's struggle, supports the decision to move the BFF into a nursing home, believing it aligns with the BFF's prior wishes and values, and offers the daughter some respite from the overwhelming burden of care.

Opinions

The author believes that despite the emotional pain, placing the BFF in a nursing home is the right decision for both the BFF and her daughter.
There is an underlying sentiment that the BFF, if mentally capable, might have chosen not to undergo aggressive treatment and instead accept the natural course of her illness.
The author emphasizes the BFF's love and pride for her daughter, suggesting that the BFF would not want

Sometimes Doing Right Hurts

Helping my BFF’s daughter make a decision…

Sometimes doing the right thing hurts deeply. I recently helped my best friend’s daughter walk through the process of putting her mother in a nursing home for the remainder of her days. It is a heartbreaking situation but I know that it is the right thing to do.

My BFF has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer that has entered her brain…for the second time. The first time, 2 years ago, she was able to do chemo and radiation. This shrank the tumors enough that there was no loss of function or personality change. This second time, she has not been so lucky. The cancer was so aggressive that by the time it was caught she was confused, unable to function and could not make her own decisions. Her daughter, given medical power of attorney, decided to operate on the brain tumors because the doctors said it gave a chance that her mother would be able to walk, talk and function normally again. I wonder: if my BFF would have chosen that if she had had the capacity to do so? She might have chosen to let it end there.

That was 8 months ago. My BFF had to go to a nursing home for 6 months of rehabilitation and physical therapy. This was, of course, during COVID-19 with no visitors and no contact from the outside world. It was a long, long 6 months. She managed to get through rehab and graduate from physical therapy which was a miracle in itself. She got to come home for 2 months. But in those 2 months she has fallen at least 10 times, has torn ligaments in her leg, has developed a brain bleed, and has deteriorated to the point that she can no longer bathe or walk by herself. Her daughter works 12 hour shifts 6 days a week as a 911 dispatcher, she cannot take care of her and there is no other family or friends to help.

Of course, my BFF does not want to go back to the nursing home; I do not think anyone would ever want to do that. And she has the ability to say that she does not want to, so does a 2 year old. But she also cannot take care of herself nor can her daughter care for her as she needs to be cared for. I know that if my BFF could think as the woman she was before the cancer entered her brain and the doctors cut it out that she would make the decision to go to the home and let her daughter have peace of mind.

I told the daughter all these things. I told her how much her mother loved and admired her. I told the daughter that her mother was proud of the life she was living. I told the daughter her mother would not want her to give up her life to take care of her. My BFF had told me these things many times so I knew them to be true.

Sometimes doing what you know is right hurts like hell.