Something Is Forcing Me to Look Back

What Is drawing me to the past?

The present is where I need to be, mental well-being seemingly. The past is history — nothing changes there, with dreams of tomorrow not yet here.

But something pulls me back, forcing me to look back to the past I am trying to forget but finding myself again there.

I command myself to close the door on the bitter me in the past, the morbidity of it all, shoving it into the cluttered closet in my head — I try, but is this only a veneer?

I am not listening to what I command, though, finding myself right back in the past, not where I want to be. An out-of-control feeling appears, unable to resist going back there.

There is something that is taking control, disregarding what I say to myself, a strange dilemma, and sometimes even tears.

Maybe it is not the memories at all of the past alone drawing me back. It must be something else here.

Could it be a spark of passion in the heart for something in my history I love, not good necessarily, keeping me as before instead of becoming more, pulling me under like an undertow, sweeping over reason and consciousness that protests against visiting? I suppose this is why I end up there.

Now I know it is in reason guided by the Spirit — which I have neglected, in that my soul is not reaching for it, relying on the foolish self, the feelings, and passions solely, thus lacking the strength to resist the futile past, the place I wish to steer clear.