Someone Asked Me To Watch Their Stuff At A Coffee Shop, So I Took It Home To Keep It Safe

I wipe the sweat off my upper lip. Someone asked me to watch their stuff at a coffee shop, and I said yes.

Out of everyone who was sitting on the patio, I can’t believe I looked the safest. The most trustworthy. Like I’m the kind of person who flosses daily and definitely didn’t stay up late last night watching reruns of Jackass and ASMR videos of a woman eating Alaskan king crab legs.

People have always had their doubts about me: Promise you won’t forget to pick me up from the airport? Are you sure that MFA in woodcraft is a good idea? Can you stop using your Ped Egg in the open office space?

But today, a complete stranger saw something in me: gumption — and also that I probably wasn’t going anywhere for at least 10 more minutes.

I take inventory of the items across from me: two books, one laptop, a planner with the initials “PK” monogrammed on the cover, and a bag of pretzel rods. Jesus, PK. A bit extravagant of you to leave me with such a heavy load! I repeated the list until memorized like cheat codes for The Sims.

Reflector strips on the shoes of a man sitting nearby shine into my eyes. They are the same shoes that Usain Bolt wears, which I know because I watched the Olympics once. If this man really wanted to, he could snatch PK’s belongings and dash off into the horizon instantly.

He doesn’t fool me one bit, though. Hiding behind the pages of How to Win Friends and Influence People, I see a man ready to carry out the devil’s will.

Woah, where did this baby come from?! Where is its chaperone? And why is it covered in marinara sauce? This kid is slinging spaghetti like there is no tomorrow. I can’t have PK return to her MacBookPro covered in tomato sauce. What would she think of me?

I reach across the table and push PK’s things over two inches. Two inches safer. I exhale. You’re so smart.

But where was PK? Was she coming back? It’s been a while at this point. Oh, I wish I could go inside to check on her, but my orders were clear: “can you watch my stuff while I go inside?” I couldn’t break the sanctity of our spoken treatise. Maybe in the past. But today, I was a new woman.

Has it been this cloudy all morning? Is it going to rain? If there were a sudden downpour, saving PK’s things fast enough seems unlikely. Her computer — fried. The books — flimsy. The pretzels — instant papier mâche, but probably still delicious. How was I expected to combat Mother Nature herself?

God, pull it together! I got this, I got this. But wait — why is that old lady looking at me funny? Why is that dog sniffing in my direction? What is up with the guy hiding behind a large newspaper and wearing an orange jumpsuit? Oh my god, I can’t trust anyone here. They could be waiting to pounce at any second.

At this point, there’s only one thing I can do to keep PK’s things truly safe.

With a surge of adrenaline, I clutch at my wallet lanyard to make sure it’s in place then scribble my address on a napkin. Using all 64 inches of my wingspan, I sweep PK’s things into a portable grocery bag and begin sprinting home faster than the ghost of a gazelle on the savanna.

As I power down the sidewalk in front of the strip mall, I keep pushing despite the sound of screams coming from the direction of the coffee shop. A riot of all the felons on the patio must have broken out! I can’t believe people think I’m not perceptive. If only they could see me now.

At last home, I pace across my living room waiting for PK and consider whether the baby belonged to her as well. It was too late for me to think about such trivial details.

Are those…sirens? It’s a dangerous place out there. I’m sure PK is grateful she asked someone with such tact to watch her things.

Wait, are the sirens getting…closer?

There’s a knock at my door. I look through the peephole and see PK — with two police officers.

Oh. My. God. She must have told them what an incredible job I did watching her stuff and now, they want to offer me a role on the force! My parents are going to be so proud.

Now, when I open the door, my life is about to change — forever.

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