Some Probing Questions
The truth isn’t always out there
EXpiLn93HO and Jesus Christ watched on as another human limped out of their spacecraft.
“Three for the night already”, said Jesus Christ, “We are making great progress this evening”.
“I suppose so” sighed EXpiLn93HO.
His crewmate was right in as much as they were racking up some very good numbers; they were top of the Sector Seven leader board for abductions and had long ago run out of room for smiley face stickers on the whiteboard in the corner. But the suspicion was creeping in that they weren’t learning as much as was intended.
“This is a good spot”, said Jesus Christ, obliviously wiping clean hisq bluntest probe, “We should be in double figures for the night long before their puny sun rises”.
“Yeah, hopefully”, said EXpiLn93HO. “But maybe”, he added uncertainly, “next time could we actually ask them some questions”?
Jesus Christ looked up and raised one of his many eyebrows “We always ask them questions”.
“No, we don’t”.
“We ask them to take off their ridiculous human clothing. We ask them to lie on their front. We ask them to raise the posteriors in the air”.
‘”Those aren’t really questions though, are they”? said EXpiLn93HO, feeling years worth of concerns getting ready to bubble out of him. “We don’t even know their leader’s name”.
“Aha! Yes we do”! exclaimed Jesus Christ, like he’d just won the strange, human game of bingo. “That’s how I got my assumed name. I asked and they told me”. He sat down heavily in his chair, job done and point proved.
EXpiLn93HO went quiet, defeated. He remembered well how Jesus Christ had got his name. He began his interrogation just as the probe was entering the human and took that first answer as gospel, without ever questioning why the human would give up their leader’s name with quite so much shock and anguish in their voice.
“We’ve learned loads of stuff”, muttered Jesus Christ sullenly.
“Really”? asked EXpiLn93HO. “We have probed 12,865 humans. What other information have we actually gotten out of them”?
There was a pause while Jesus Christ pondered. “Well”, he started cautiously, “they almost all have anuses”. They both remembered the only one who did not: a stiff pale white human they had found in a waste depository outside a strange human clothing shop. A most unresponsive specimen.
“And almost none of them enjoy the probe”
“Brilliant stuf". The sarcasm dripped off EXpiLn93HO before a tense silence fell. Four years they had been sat here in low orbit over this alien world. Four years tasked with the vital job of acquiring as much information as possible to aid in the coming invasion. It was such a waste of time, such a waste of resources. He wondered what his fellow comrades were doing at the other outposts. Wondered if they had a similar fixation, wondered if the invasion was doomed.
The tractor beam in the centre of their laboratory rumbled into life, breaking the silence and depositing a dishevelled male human on the floor.
Jesus Christ slithered over to the human and wrapped a slimy purple tentacle around his shoulders. He looked meaningfully over at his crewmate, then back to the new arrival.
“What is your name”?
EXpiLn93HO sighed as he picked up one of the many gleaming anal probes. It’s progress, at least.
Hello there, thanks for stopping by
If you like what you’ve read here give me a follow and have a flick through my other stories
