Some People Say I’m Deep, So Exactly How Shallow Are They?

Why self-discovery is not deep and healing is essential

This article contains brief discussions of domestic violence.

My mum, a stereotypical Baby Boomer, told me she won’t see a therapist.

The conversation sparked off from me sharing with her how therapy helps me to release my childhood wounds that were largely created by her (or in her words, my reactions to her innocent comments).

Based on my smart and well-read brain, I believe her mother has inflicted wounds on her which never processed, and in turn, my mother passed them onto me. I even pinpointed what I believe was her main wounds.

Her response was that if these so-called “wounds” are real, they have never had any impact on her life. She believes she has lived a fantastic life to her 60s, and my mental health exploded because I think too much, am too sensitive, too weak and too deep.

Exactly how shallow, insensitive, strong and underthink do we need to be? Exactly how misinterpreted is the idiotic idiom of “ignorance is bliss”?

Ignorance is not bliss

During our heated conversation, I suggested that knowing that we have wounds within ourselves but not do anything about it, is the same as knowing there’s a timed bomb in us but not do anything about it.

She said, “As long as the timed bomb is not ticking then there’s nothing to do about it.”

Her response is not as atypical and ridiculous as I thought. In fact, I think most people prioritise everything else in life other than the elephant in the room.

For example, you remember in Friends, Joey Tribbiani’s dad’s cheating on Ma, who actually always knows about it:

This is a classic pretence that the marriage is operating on its status quo despite its rotten core. Ma made loads of excuses about how Joey’s dad became more attentive and stuff, but what really happened is Joey’s dad is cheating, and the timed bomb kicked off when Joey busted them hooking up.

Bombs can kick off anytime even if you think they never will.

Why do people ignore their own problems?

My mum continued and suggested that I’m too perfectionist and deep to want to figure my own self out and do all the healing. At first, I’m too sensitive and weak so my emotional timed bomb kicked off, and now I’m too deep and perfectionist for trying to get rid of these bombs.

She, instead, has accepted the fact that we are all a bit screwed up. She prefers to accept it and move on. She even insisted that there’s no timed bomb in her and so nothing will ever kick-off.

What about the times I got hit so hard because she lost control of herself? What about the times she got paranoid and called me in the middle of the night demanding to know where I was (I was 27 years old)? This indicated paranoia, anger management and anxiety disorder to me. And yet, she insisted, she’s been mentally strong all her life.

There are people who are aware but react with denial (like Joey’s Ma), and there are people who aren’t even aware (like my mum).

Self-discovery and healing feel like being thrown in the deep end

There are many reasons why people avoid mental health assistance. Partly it has to do with cultural ignorance (as the earlier generations are less educated and aware of mental health issues), to the fear of seeing the ugly (shadow) side of ourselves.

I can understand the former and sympathise with the latter, self-discovery feels like we are about to fall into a deep end. People want to see Grand Canyon from up top, not to fall into the hard rocks and dark ground.

I can confirm it felt like that initially when we attempt to understand ourselves and seek to heal. When we go to our therapist with one problem, we feel that we come out with ten more problems. Why is there so much crap inside us? This idea is truly daunting.

There’s nothing deep about my journey to healing, just a sincere intention to stop pain from happening to me and find my happiness.

Untangle the fear of approaching self-discovery and healing

If you have a feeling that maybe it’s time for you to know about yourself and heal, I’ve created this free journaling prompt so we can take the first step together (and not be Joey’s Ma and my Ma).

First prompt: When you were triggered

It could be road rage, insecurity about a relationship, obsession with certainty about something. A trigger is when something makes you react negatively above and beyond.

It’s good to keep it to one thing at a time, print more of my worksheet off if you want to try other events.

Second prompt: What did you think about it then?

When you calmed down from the situation, what was your response? E.g. if you were angry about receiving a parking ticket, did you think any more of your over-reaction immediately after you’ve calmed down?

How did other people respond to your over-reaction? Have you hurt (verbally or physically) anyone during the time you were triggered?

Third prompt: Did it happen again?

Try to list other times when you were triggered again on the same or similar things. E.g. you are insecure every time your spouse not around you, or you are angry every time you see a traffic warden.

Share a little bit more detail. How often? Any particular memory?

Forth prompt: Is there a pattern?

If you look back at all these incidents that happened again and again, do you think there’s a pattern? By pattern, I mean if there’s a recurring reason why a certain situation annoys you so much.

It is never a single incident

My mum said she was paranoid about my safety one day, but she recovered from it and went back to sleep.

This is the reason why she thinks there’s no mental health bomb in her because she didn’t go nuts. But she didn’t see how often she was triggered, what made her suddenly paranoid and how she has affected others time and time again.

What I have learned from the conversation with my mum is that when we look at incidents individually, it is easy to say that nothing is problematic. But recurrence is what’s concerning, this creates a pattern. Your mind responses madly whenever the same trigger triggers.

What I haven’t done is to figure out what the pattern is and what’s the underlying reason for you to have such triggers. That’s something people usually spend a lot of time and money on with their therapist. Those are hard-core questions.

I wanted to use this prompt to help you to have a taster of learning about yourself and looking back on your life in a slightly different manner.

Please sign up for this worksheet, join my mailing list and enjoy many other prompts and self-improvement articles from me!