DOWN IN THE SCHOOLYARD

Some of Us Never Learned to Play Nicely in the Sandbox — and Holy Sh*t, It Shows

Why is it controversial to be kind?

“Inclusion (n.) — the practice or policy of providing equal access to opportunities and resources for people who might otherwise be excluded or marginalized, such as those who have physical or intellectual disabilities and members of other minority groups.” [emphasis mine]

-in: Oxford Languages [external link]

Yard duty Hewlett Patterson Linkwater watched it all go down.

Some girl from the school across town was talkin’ trash at recess. She climbed the fence, sauntered over to the sandbox, and pulled my friend’s pigtails.

We were supposed to be having fun.

Okay, so the “schoolyard” was actually a Facebook thread. And as for the rest of the metaphor, my pigtailed friends are the transgender and non-binary people I know and care about. They’re adult friends of mine, they’re my kids’ classmates, and they’re the children of my other (cis/het) friends.

A woman I know tried to start a Facebook fight™ over LGBTQIA+ inclusion. And it was uncalled for.

Why go out of your way to post a meme like this, kiddo?

“FOR ALL OF YOU MORONS OUT THERE ASKING FOR ‘FATHER’S DAY’ AND ‘MOTHER’S DAY’ TO BE CHANGED TO ‘SPECIAL PERSON DAY’ THERE IS ALREADY A DAY JUST FOR YOU. IT’S APRIL FOOLS DAY [sic]”

-(reposted from Facebook user Tru Blu, via a poorly-named group called Damn Funny. All-caps in quotation.)

About 20 people “liked” this meme. Someone double hand-clapped it in the comments.

The reposter was a person I’d respected, too. And even more disappointingly, she captioned the damn thing with the word “preach.”

Dick move.

Speaking of preaching, wasn’t Jesus the original includer? What about all those pesky Bible verses that preach inclusivity? Maybe I’m remembering this wrong.

“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” -Galatians 3:28 NIV; [emphasis mine]

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” -Hebrews 12:14 NIV; [emphasis mine]

(And my personal favorite —)

“But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” -Luke 14:13–14 NIV [emphasis mine].

Sure, transgender and non-binary do not mean destitute or disabled or poor. But non-heteronormative humans are some of the most commonly marginalized ones.

Inclusion can be a matter of life or death for non-heteronormative people.¹

What’s that you say? You care about marginalized folks. You’ve seen Forrest Gump and know how to spot a bully. You wouldn’t exclude an intellectually disabled kid named Forrest on a school bus in Greenbow, Alabama! And you did learn to play nicely in the sandbox.

Huh.

Then don’t act like those “you can’t sit with us” kids from Mean Girls when somebody asks to be acknowledged as a nonbinary parent, either.

I am not real churchy. I’m a cisgender, heterosexual, white, WAHM who isn’t regularly “othered.” So, what’s my connection to this cause?

Matter of fact, it’s completely relevant. I was raised by a single dad and only very recently gained a step-mama. But for years I wished Dad a Happy Mother’s Day in addition to Father’s Day. He did the work of two parents for decades.

Even if we set transgender activism aside, there are plenty of equally valid reasons people long to be seen. Here’s mine:

I’m gutted on Mother’s Day. I grieve my mom’s absence anew.

And while it wouldn’t dry all the tears of ambiguous loss to call it Parent’s Day (or Parents’ Day!), I sure as hell wouldn’t mind having more people to celebrate.

Recess is only 30 minutes long, y’all. For anyone who’s ever been left out, put down, bullied, or forgotten, let’s speak up in solidarity. In respite from grief. In compassion.

Let’s use with the same frickin’ words Jesus would use: come, and sit with me.

Don’t exclude trans and non-binary parents, honey. It’s unkind.

I know your mama — nay, your parent— taught you better.

¹ Marshall A. Suicide Prevention Interventions for Sexual & Gender Minority Youth: An Unmet Need. Yale J Biol Med. 2016 Jun 27;89(2):205–13. PMID: 27354846; PMCID: PMC4918883. Full text: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4918883/

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Tagging A.J. Cralle (she, her) to get her perspectives on this, and to ask her to keep it real with me if I’ve messed up. Ditto Ethan Kuhn, Jason Provencio, Hein Augustyn, Dan Foster, and others who seem likely to contribute to a civil discussion on identity and acknowledgement.