Some of My Unreliable Friends No Showed My Wedding, And I Resent Them a Little For It

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of time on my phone. When I tell someone I’ll do something or be somewhere at a certain time and place, that’s a promise and I will execute it. A lot of the time, I am late or if there is no timeframe established on a particular promise, I’ll take my time, but I’ve been told that my behavior is often predictable and that I tend not to engage in many unexpected deviations from the norm. As much of a deep-thinking personality, as I have, I regret to say I’m still a rule-follower on the outside, even though I have a lot of internal warfare and rebellious tendency on the inside.To be fair, I know a lot of unreliable people who aren’t necessarily my friends, who might not have the attributes to make up for a lack of responsiveness, punctuality, and who when you ask for help or anything you can’t promise the task will get done. Plus, I haven’t mentioned until now that the vast majority of my unreliable friends have some sort of severe mental illness between severe depression or anxiety. I edit a mental health publication. I have family members with severe mental illness and pride myself on being a good listener and being non-judgmental of those people, so I largely don’t “hold my friends accountable” or judge them for it.How can I judge people when they need to stay home because of their depression? I just wanted to be a better source of support for them, and the label “unreliable” is probably a bit ableist when you account for people’s disabilities and mental illnesses.One of my groomsmen at the wedding, who I needed a lot of help and support from at the wedding, has this reputation for being unreliable. My friend group calls him “flaky” for the fact that when he says he’ll be somewhere or come to a social event, you can rely on him coming about 30% of the time. It’s kind of interesting because he won’t make it when you expect him to, and will make him when you least expect him to.However, at my wedding and all the events surrounding it, including the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, he made everything, was on time or just slightly late. He really stepped up to the occasion when it mattered.I expected all my other friends who I invited and said they could come to the wedding to step up to the occasion as well. I expected them to be on time, be there, and, well, make the hundreds of dollars we spent on their attendance and the spot we reserved that could have gone to someone else to make it.For the most part, all my friends did come. But some of the friend

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s with reputations for being unreliable could not and told me they couldn’t make it last minute. One informed me with a very valid excuse of a last-minute occurrence, but since it wasn’t the first or last time the friend flaked, per se, so I did question the excuse a bit because it wasn’t the first time. But that’s a minor no-show compared to the others.What really hurt was the unreliable friends who said they were coming and RSVP’d and didn’t show up at all and did not give any excuse or correspondence for why they couldn’t come. If they couldn’t come, I wish they just declined the RSVP.Sure, it was the first time I really had to rely on them in that capacity or expect anything from them, but I was baffled by the lack of consideration for all the planning, money, and organization that comes with a wedding. I was thinking this even on the wedding day, numerous times. I’m not the type of person to do this, but I thought this at the time: “I guess I’ll no show their [insert important event] too so they know how it feels.”It’s complicated because I still love them and wanted to know if they were okay, in case something awful happened or they had an accident. I’m sure they have a lot going on and I know there are more important things in friendships than their attendance at my wedding.I think there is a part of me that is using their no showing the wedding as a tipping point to release pent up frustration over several years of being unreliable friends — if it was a typically reliable friend who never flaked on plans, I would know there was a genuinely valid and serious excuse that came up. Since it’s an unreliable friend continuing to be unreliable at the most important moment of me and my wife’s life, the thought process is “it’s just John being John, again.”With time, I’ll let it go. But I am a little resentful of my unreliable friends who no-showed our wedding right now because it was just last weekend and it was the most important day of my life so far. And perhaps as I get older and have more responsibilities, I am starting to value reliable people a bit more, and it makes me feel like a bad person because I see myself as a compassionate and understanding person.Our relationship will just default to the way it was before, and I want to forgive my unreliable friends quickly because life is short and I do still love them and want to support them. I will still love them and want to spend time with them — but won’t expect anything.</article></body>

It was the first time I really had to rely on them in that capacity or expect anything from them

I really hate to put this label on friends, but I have a few friends who cancel on plans frequently. They’re really late to things when they do come. You can’t really saddle them with anything that requires logistic or operational savvy. When you do make plans with them, you rely on them not showing up more than you do. When you text them, you either never get a response or get a response maybe a week later.

A lot of people will call them unreliable.

It has never bothered me that much in the past because I never really had to rely on them for important things. If it was just canceled plans at lunch or them being hours late to something, I could do something else. I’m not the type of person that plans my entire day around the actions of someone else.

Plus, my unreliable friends had positive attributes to make up for their unreliability. Usually, they have pretty electric or charismatic personalities that fill up the room and keep you entertained the entire time you’re with them. I might have some close emotional bond or relationship with them that won’t be impeded by their lack of organization and lack of logistic-savvy.

They’re the kind of people that are either all-in on an occasion or not in if that makes sense, and they don’t march to the beat of the drums of societal constraints like being on time or being predictable. And when they do execute on being there and simply being themselves, they really do make up for all the missed plans and lack of punctuality. They tend to know the right things to say, the right ways to be emotionally present and seem to be the most attentive and socially exciting people in the room.

By contrast, I have a reputation as a very reliable and very structured person. I don’t see myself that way, but I always stress about being on time or only a few minutes late to gatherings or social occasions. I’m not always the most attentive person because I’ll spend a lot of time on my phone. When I tell someone I’ll do something or be somewhere at a certain time and place, that’s a promise and I will execute it. A lot of the time, I am late or if there is no timeframe established on a particular promise, I’ll take my time, but I’ve been told that my behavior is often predictable and that I tend not to engage in many unexpected deviations from the norm. As much of a deep-thinking personality, as I have, I regret to say I’m still a rule-follower on the outside, even though I have a lot of internal warfare and rebellious tendency on the inside.

To be fair, I know a lot of unreliable people who aren’t necessarily my friends, who might not have the attributes to make up for a lack of responsiveness, punctuality, and who when you ask for help or anything you can’t promise the task will get done. Plus, I haven’t mentioned until now that the vast majority of my unreliable friends have some sort of severe mental illness between severe depression or anxiety. I edit a mental health publication. I have family members with severe mental illness and pride myself on being a good listener and being non-judgmental of those people, so I largely don’t “hold my friends accountable” or judge them for it.

How can I judge people when they need to stay home because of their depression? I just wanted to be a better source of support for them, and the label “unreliable” is probably a bit ableist when you account for people’s disabilities and mental illnesses.

One of my groomsmen at the wedding, who I needed a lot of help and support from at the wedding, has this reputation for being unreliable. My friend group calls him “flaky” for the fact that when he says he’ll be somewhere or come to a social event, you can rely on him coming about 30% of the time. It’s kind of interesting because he won’t make it when you expect him to, and will make him when you least expect him to.

However, at my wedding and all the events surrounding it, including the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, he made everything, was on time or just slightly late. He really stepped up to the occasion when it mattered.

I expected all my other friends who I invited and said they could come to the wedding to step up to the occasion as well. I expected them to be on time, be there, and, well, make the hundreds of dollars we spent on their attendance and the spot we reserved that could have gone to someone else to make it.

For the most part, all my friends did come. But some of the friends with reputations for being unreliable could not and told me they couldn’t make it last minute. One informed me with a very valid excuse of a last-minute occurrence, but since it wasn’t the first or last time the friend flaked, per se, so I did question the excuse a bit because it wasn’t the first time. But that’s a minor no-show compared to the others.

What really hurt was the unreliable friends who said they were coming and RSVP’d and didn’t show up at all and did not give any excuse or correspondence for why they couldn’t come. If they couldn’t come, I wish they just declined the RSVP.

Sure, it was the first time I really had to rely on them in that capacity or expect anything from them, but I was baffled by the lack of consideration for all the planning, money, and organization that comes with a wedding. I was thinking this even on the wedding day, numerous times. I’m not the type of person to do this, but I thought this at the time: “I guess I’ll no show their [insert important event] too so they know how it feels.”

It’s complicated because I still love them and wanted to know if they were okay, in case something awful happened or they had an accident. I’m sure they have a lot going on and I know there are more important things in friendships than their attendance at my wedding.

I think there is a part of me that is using their no showing the wedding as a tipping point to release pent up frustration over several years of being unreliable friends — if it was a typically reliable friend who never flaked on plans, I would know there was a genuinely valid and serious excuse that came up. Since it’s an unreliable friend continuing to be unreliable at the most important moment of me and my wife’s life, the thought process is “it’s just John being John, again.”

With time, I’ll let it go. But I am a little resentful of my unreliable friends who no-showed our wedding right now because it was just last weekend and it was the most important day of my life so far. And perhaps as I get older and have more responsibilities, I am starting to value reliable people a bit more, and it makes me feel like a bad person because I see myself as a compassionate and understanding person.

Our relationship will just default to the way it was before, and I want to forgive my unreliable friends quickly because life is short and I do still love them and want to support them. I will still love them and want to spend time with them — but won’t expect anything.