Solid Ground, Finally
This is part twenty-two of my story of recovering from my wife’s affair and rebuilding our marriage. If you haven’t already, please start at the beginning with part one.
I was now faced with another decision. Her behavior had once again put us at a crossroads. Could we go on together? Could I trust her? Was I being fair to myself to even put in the effort? Did I even really want to?
The answer to the last question, through all of this, has remained an unequivocal “yes.” I love my wife. I love being with her, and I want to continue to be with her. But there are ifs.
If she can be fully honest with me. If she can fully return the love I give her from now on. If she can be happy in our relationship, so that I feel confident that she truly wants it as well.
I know now for certain that she had not communicated with him since January. If she had, surely she would have mentioned to him at some point how I was continually asking her about whether they had fully consummated their affair sexually. Surely he would have known she was lying to me about it. But he didn’t know that, and because of that, he inadvertently revealed the truth that she couldn’t bring herself to reveal to me.
Besides, it was clear in how she talked to him, and how he responded, that they hadn’t spoken to one another since she broke it off. He sounded really nervous and even a little bit upset for the entire call. I believe what he said about him trying to rebuild his own life. If I really cared about his feelings, I could even feel a little bit sorry for him. My wife’s unwillingness to do the right thing on her own put him in the position of having to go through that difficult phone call from his former affair partner and her husband.
As I wrestled with how to respond to these latest revelations, I felt myself letting go of much of the initial anger, and feeling more and more like I wanted to — like I could — continue moving forward with her after all.
I knew how hard my wife had been trying to make things work between us for the past six months. Had she been supportive? Absolutely. Had she been loving? Intensely. Had she been remorseful, regretful and accepting of all responsibility for what she had done? Completely. Had she been honest? Mostly, but not totally.
Was the last thing really justification for throwing it all away? Maybe, if that’s what I wanted. I guess no one would blame me for reacting that way. But was throwing it all away the only sane response? No. I want us to work. Even after all this, I know we can work.
So a few hours after that uncomfortable phone call with her former affair partner, I went upstairs for some time by myself. I really didn’t have to think much about what I wanted. I knew things would be difficult for me for a while, getting past what felt like yet another betrayal of my trust. But I could get past it. She would help me. We could do this. We would do this.
She came up to check on me after a while. We talked about how to move forward. She was happy and relieved when I told her I wanted to keep trying with her. The conversation quickly and surprisingly turned optimistic. It felt like the world had opened up to us. The wall I had written about — the one I had feared was there, with her guilt over her continuing lies keeping her on one side, and my doubts keeping me on the other… it was completely gone now. What a relief!
Yes, the new information carried pain with it. Yes, it hurt to know I had not had full truth from her these past six months. But, I was already discovering that facts hurt less than questions. Yes, they fucked. Yes, they did other things she had left out. Yes, she truly didn’t love me or want me for a time leading up to the affair.
But also… yes, I finally know everything now. Yes, she can now know that I still love and want her despite knowing everything. Yes, we both want this — her wanting this so badly was the reason for her continued lies, after all. That certainly counts for a lot.
The events of the past couple of days had made the road ahead a little bit rockier, but now the ground beneath our feet was solid and steady. No more slipping and sliding on lies and half-truths. We could both finally make confident strides along the road, together, side-by-side.
And that’s what we’ve been doing for the past week. There have been some rough spots, where some bad feelings have floated to the surface for me. But overall, the past week has honestly been the best week of the past six months. I didn’t realize, until the veil of uncertainty lifted, how much the question of whether I was truly receiving one hundred percent truth from my wife had been weighing on me.
In the past week, I’ve felt more free to fully love her, less hesitant to fully commit to our new relationship without fear of getting hurt again. That may seem counterintuitive to some, but that veil being lifted, that weight being dropped, that wall being destroyed — whatever metaphor you prefer — I really can’t overstate the difference it has made.
I implore any cheating spouse who truly wants to save their marriage: If your spouse says they want the full truth, if they tell you they can handle it, trust them. Tell them every detail they ask for, with full honesty. The details may hurt, but the questions hurt more. The facts can scab over and fade away, whereas questions are more likely to linger, maybe forever.
I finally know everything my wife did. I finally have a clearer picture of why, at the time, she was drawn into that behavior. We can now walk down the road together, step past the rocky parts, climb the hills, and one day, I’m sure, admire the vista together from the high point we’ve reached.
I’m sitting here now, typing this, looking at a Post-It note she wrote and stuck to the side of my monitor. It simply says “Forever.” I know that’s what she wants. I know it’s what I want, too. It’s what we’re going to keep striving for, together.
